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And to think, that photo of us kissing would be the last.
And that I’d be bringing two roses to lay to rest next to a photo of you, one rose for you and one rose for the part of me you took with you when you died.
And that my lantern, at your memorial at the skate park, would be the first one that actually lit properly and was sent into the night sky.

I miss you more than ever right now, Dar.
Talking to Nick yesterday really cleared my head, so thank you. Thank you for having such a nice friend, who held me last night and told me how much you cared about me. Despite what some of your other friends said.

I hope you’re doing well in heaven, and that you’re looking down at me and that I’m making you proud.

I’ll see you again one day.

I love you.

August 2nd 12:00 am

It sucks because I’m here thinking that I am not worthy of finding this so called love because of you. It sucks because I thought that I had finally found a good person for me, and I fell in love with you, and I’m still not over you, I probably never will be. I think about you all the time. You never EVER leave my mind.. And I hate it… Because I know that you probably never think of me… I act so different when I’m around you. I don’t mean to.. I want to be comfortable around you, I want to be MYSELF around you, but something clicks in my brain every time I try to talk to you and I can’t stand it. But you’re always with other people… You always seem like you’re falling in love with others because they’re more entertaining, have all the same interests as you, and are so much happier with themselves and are attractive and over all better than I am. I have dreams about you all the time…. In the dreams I finally feel so comfortable with you and we get to actually hang out and I get to see the real you. And you hug me and it makes me so happy.. And then I wake up….. These dreams happen to me all the time.. And I get so depressed because I know what happens in those dreams will never happen in real life. And I always know that there’s always going to be someone better for you and that you’re never going to be able to see the real me.. Because I get so nervous around you because I don’t know what to say to you….. Because I am afraid you find me annoying, weird, clingy, and not pretty like every single other girl you talk to…

It just sucks….. The dreams make it even worse…. Because it’s the only time I’ll ever be able to happily hold you in my arms.. I always feel something when I look at you… I get butterflies. I feel like there’s so much more to you than what meets the eye… I don’t know… I guess I just think too much. I try to love too much. I get jealous too much. I worry too much. I want to be perfect too much… Everything. I try too hard for people that won’t even take a single step for me. And for people that are in love with other people.. I sometimes can’t sleep because you’re all that’s on my mind. I can’t focus sometimes. I get sad sometimes…

It just fucking sucks…