Wimbledon (USA, 2004)
Predictions: Obviously, we both predicted that two tennis players fall in love at Wimbledon. We kind of thought they might be rival tennis players, but then we got confused because we know it’s a straight movie, and…tennis players wouldn’t have opposite-sex rivals. Would they???? We’ll just have to see, we suppose.
Plot: So…Paul Bettany is a washed-up, middling tennis player in his thirties, who gets a wildcard spot in Wimbledon. Kirsten Dunst is a younger, better American tennis player, who inexplicably likes him? Like, he walks in on her showering in her hotel room, and for some reason, she doesn’t scream and throw a vase at his head, but instead seems…charmed? intrigued? Who knows why, because she could obviously get some hotter British guy.
Anyway, they strike up a romance, even though Kirsten Dunst’s hyper-protective dad is like, “NO. SHE CAN’T SLEEP WITH ANYONE. SHE IS ONLY MARRIED TO TENNIS.” But love seems like it works for Paul Bettany! He’s winning! But the sex is detrimental to Kirsten Dunst, just as her father predicted, and she loses. Mad at Paul Bettany, she breaks things off. Paul Bettany, however, is not one to accept this, apparently. He proclaims his love for her on camera. She’s somehow won over by this declaration and attends his last match, which he is playing against her…ex-boyfriend? ex-something? (He punched the guy earlier, so we assume it’s her ex.)
Kirsten Dunst basically tells Paul Bettany how to read the other guy’s serves, and Paul Bettany manages to win Wimbledon. In the epilogue, they have a very blond child. Hitler would be proud.
Best Scene: At one point Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany are on this old tennis court at night, being kind of cute? Probably cute, if we hadn’t been so bored with this movie that we were completely tuned out by this point.
Worst Scene: Probably the scene where Paul Bettany sneaks, uninvited, into Kirsten Dunst’s room in the middle of the night to talk her into having sex. That’s…not cool, man.
Best Line: “You know, I really don’t care who wins. I mean, I represent both players. It’s like asking me which one of my kids I love more. Which one of my kids do I love more? My daughter. I’ll talk to you later.” — Jon Favreau, Paul Bettany’s manager/agent, talking about the final match between Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst’s ex.
Worst Line: “The sad fact of the matter is, I can’t seem to get through 24 hours without you.” — Paul Bettany to Kirsten Dunst, after SNEAKING IN HER WINDOW. Gross.
Highlights of the Watching Experience: Honestly, this movie was really boring. Like, super boring. It is a romcom, in theory, but there was way too much tennis relative to the amount of rom and com. Maybe you would love this movie, if you love tennis?? We are not those people. For us, the tennis-to-kissing ratio was much too high, and the kissing that did exist was only okay.
How Many POC in the Film: …none. Well, what can you expect? We were in movie!England.
Alternate Scenes: Despite what we said previously, we both actually enjoy sports movies because, similar to romcoms, they tend to be very feelings-y. This movie was somehow both, though, and therefore neither. So, maybe an alternate film that…wasn’t about tennis. Or a film where they explained tennis?
Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: Uh, well, the film’s pretty bad, but the poster looks like an advertisement for an Aryan breeding project. Also, Paul Bettany has serial-killer eyes that he’s directly training upon the viewer. So, probably worse.
Score: 4 out of 10 incredibly boring smooches. Nothing about this movie offended us, but we also basically didn’t watch half of it because it was so dull.
Ranking: 77, out of the 105 movies we’ve seen so far. So boring. Again. Real boring.