Its official, I’m one year clean/sober. I can hardly wrap my head around it. It doesn’t seem real to me, I never thought I’d make it this far to say the least. It seems like yesterday when I was in over my head, addicted to heroin and popping pills by the handful. I had so much self hatred inside of me, I don’t know how I made it out alive. But I’m so fucking thankful I did.. Even though it was a very, very close call. It took me so long to realize I’m not as worthless as I think I am, a fact I still struggle with everyday. But I know I am better than who I was a year ago. I know I deserve better too, even if it took me a little too long to figure that out. It’s still a struggle, and some days a living hell, but I refuse to go back to where I was, no matter how weak I feel. I have to thank my family, my close friends and all y'all on here that have my back. It was stupid and foolish for me to ever think I could come this far on my own, now I’m definitely glad I didn’t let my pride win. Thank you to everyone who has ever supported me, offered to listen, or simply liked my sobriety posts. Your support means so much more to me than you realize. Thank you for continuing to have my back on this journey.
I once heard a sober alcoholic say that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and I couldn’t understand why the happiness never came, couldn’t see the flaw in my thinking, couldn’t see that alcohol kept me trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. I lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time I drank it would be different, next time it would make me feel good again. And all my efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn’t made me feel good in years.