I just made eggs like this. And let me tell you, I am never making eggs any other way ever again. They were perfectly cooked, and so delicious. 


Okay, I couldn’t resist. The language gets a bit vile. Obviously. Come on, it’s Ramsay!


“Orange, Longbottom,” said Snape, ladling some up and allowing to splash back into the cauldron, so that everyone could see. 

“Orange. Tell me, boy, does anything penetrate that thick skull of yours? Didn’t you hear me say, quite clearly, that only one cat spleen was needed? Didn’t I state plainly that a dash of leech juice would suffice? What do I have to do to make you understand, Longbottom?” 

Neville was pink and trembling. He looked as though he was on the verge of tears.

“Now,” Snape said with a slick smile, “Any questions?”

“Yeah, I have a question!” Gordon Ramsay said, randomly popping up for no reason whatsoever, “What the bloody hell was that?”

Snape faltered and the class snickered.

“Tell me, professor, does anything penetrate that thick skull of yours?” Ramsay shouted, “Or does your f**king greasy hair prevent anything from wanting to come within a fifty mile radius!”

Snape glowered and Ramsay continued, “And why the f**k are you teaching the students how to make a shrinking potion? If anything, you should create an enlarging potion and use it to grow a pair!”

Ramsay then spun around and gently said, “Don’t worry, Mister Longbottom. This is easily fixable. There, there. Let’s just add this ingredient, alright? That’s it. Very good. Excellent. I’m here to help you. Don’t listen to this tosser. He’s an idiot. And his hair is so greasy that we can line the bottom of the cauldron! Perhaps you’d be under better conditions if these ingredients weren’t so stale! This snake is so old that it spends its afternoons petrifying Muggle-borns!”

“How dare you…?” Snape started.

Ramsay spun around and shrieked, “Get on with it already! You speak so slowly that Harry’s already sent his kids off to Hogwarts!”


Ramsay ignored him and proudly said, “That’s it, Neville! Very good; I knew that you could do it! See that, Snivellus? Maybe instead of tormenting your students, you could realize that people are f**king dying everyday and the least you can do is give them safe place to come to! And maybe then you’d realize JUST HOW MUCH OF A BADASS NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM IS!”

Snape flushed and muttered, “Anything else?”

Ramsay hesitated before screaming, “JAMES DIDN’T STEAL LILY FROM YOU! READ THE GODDAMNED BOOK!”