I had been laying in bed for three days, crying for two, and seeming to run out of tears on the third. Things hadn’t been this bad for a while, and I don’t know why they were now. Or maybe I did. Maybe it was that my psycho mother had called to remind me that I was her unhappy accident, always unwanted, unlike my brother. Maybe it was my alcoholic father, showing up on my doorstep to tell me that I was his little failure, never making it through high school, or being a beauty that everyone hunted after, or even settling down and having a baby. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was because I had never been thought of as pretty or skinny, or that I had no hint of stability in my life like a baby, unlike my brother. My brother and his new beautiful bride, already expecting a baby in May. He was always wanted. Why didn’t anybody want me? Vic wants me, I thought. But maybe not. He was probably getting sick of always having to worry about me, of having to buy me a new box of bandaids every week, of just having me around. I bit my lip at the sudden onslaught of tears, and a knock on the bedroom door tore me out of my reveerie.
“Come in.” I muttered. Vic walked in and stood at the end of our bed, eyeing me with concern.
“Are you feeling a bit better?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I lied, plastering a fake smile on my face. “I think I’m gonna come down for something to eat.” His face brightened at this statement and I slowly got the my feet, taking his out-stretched hand. Vic lead me down the stairs to the kitchen, and I poured myself a cup of black coffee while I waited for a muffin to heat up in the microwave. Vic sat down at the table across from me and leaned on his elbows, watching me as I ate. When I was finished, I looked up at him.
“Excuse me.” I mumbled, pushing away from the table and heading upstairs to the washroom that was connected to our bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I quickly gathered my hair up in a messy bun and got down on my knees in front of the toilet. My hands rested on my knees; I didn’t need to move them. It came naturally, and after a few seconds of waiting, bitter coffee and chunks of muffin were choking me as they fell into the toilet, my eyes watering.
“(Y/N).” Vic said from outside the bathroom door. “Please.” And I could picture him, his forehead pressed against the door with one hand on the handle, eyes closed, with his teeth sunken into his bottom lip.
Another wave of nausea went over me, and my stomach emptied into the toilet again, dry-heaving when nothing more would come up. I stood up and looked in the mirror. I didn’t know who stared back at me. Her hair was dark and slick with grease and she had no makeup on, the dark circles that rung her eyes made it look like she had been beaten. And she had. By herself.
I was suddenly overwhelmed by everything and I moved quickly, pulling out a bottle of vodka from its hiding place in the back of the cupboard under the sink. I opened the cabinet behind the mirror and found a bottle of pain killers. There was only three. It’s a start, I thought.
Fat was the first word that I swallowed with the first pill, along with a swig of alcohol. Stupid and ugly followed seconds after. I dug through old prescription containers until I found a full bottle of half-red, half-white pills. I don’t know what they were for, I couldn’t read the container; my eyes were beginning to sting with tears.
“What are you doing?” Vic’s voice shook from outside the door. “(Y/N), please answer me. Please. I love you.”
“I don’t want you to love me!” I choked out, sitting on the edge of the tub as I struggled to open the container. I set it down for a second and chugged down mouthfuls of vodka, letting it burn my throat. I picked the container back up and kept trying to twist the top off, tears falling onto my shirt as I got frustrated. Vic knocked on the door, and I didn’t answer. He knocked again.
“(Y/N). (Y/N)?” The bathroom door banged open but I kept trying.
“I-I can’t get it open.” I sobbed. Vic rushed forward and knocked the bottle out of my hands and the top finally popped off, scattering red and white pills everywhere. “No!” I shrieked in an unhuman-like voice, diving for them, but I was pushed backwards and fell hard onto my side as Vic held my shoulders down, searching my face. I continued to sob and try to fight against his grip, but it was no use. As I stopped writhing on the floor, I continued to cry, but Vic layed down on the floor beside me, his arm around my waist, our fingers interlocked. I could hear pills being crushed beneath him and he adjusted and each tiny crunch was like another blow to my heart. I felt limp and eventually stopped crying, turning to curl against Vic’s chest. He was warm and he smelled like spring. He felt safe.
“I love you so much.” he whispered, kissing my neck.
“Please don’t.” I whispered back. “Every time you touch me, you’ll walk away with splinters in your hands. I don’t want to hurt you, I already have far too often.”
“The only time you hurt me is when you hurt myself. I just want to protect you and keep you safe from the monsters. But how can I do that when they’re inside of you? I want you to be happy. But I want you to be happy with me. You can’t keep me from loving you.”
“I can try.” I groaned.
“But you can’t try hard enough.” I looked up, and Vic was smiling a little, his eyes shining. I kissed his jaw and he sighed, closing his eyes.
“I’m happy just having you here, holding me, even if it is on the bathroom floor.” I mumbled against his skin.
Maybe that was a good way to be happy. Even if was just a tiny, little, broken sliver of happy.
Y/n got home from work pretty late last night and I didn’t want to wake her just yet. She was working towards a promotion and putting in lots of extra hours.
I had managed to sneak out of bed without waking her to make myself some coffee. While I was standing at the island sipping my coffee I felt two arms wrap around my waste.
“Mm. Good morning handsome.” Y/n cooed worming her way around to stand in front of me.
“Baby. What are you doing up?” I asked kissing her nose.
“I smelt coffee.” She smiled stealing my cup and taking a large drinking.
“Oh. I’m sorry sweetie. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s ok. I was up off and on anyways.” Y/n shrugged hopping up on the counter.
“Aww. My poor baby.” I cooed kissing the top of her head.
“So what’s the plan for today?”
“Well, James has a 3 month check up today at 1 so I’m meeting Ashley at the hospital and then I figured you and I could do something special tonight. Anything you want.” I offered knowing y/n was in dire need of a night off.
James being my son. His mother and I broke up about 2 months into her pregnancy. Y/n knew about him from the being and has been super cool about it.
“How about we do a whole lotta nothing? I’m exhausted.” She sighed resting her head on my shoulder.
“Ok. That works for me.” I smiled hugging her closer to me. “Alright, I gotta go shower.” I sighed after a few moments.
“Fine.” Y/n pouted refusing to let go.
“I’m sorry baby. I have to go see my other baby.”
“I know. Go.” She sighed kissing my nose.
“I won’t be gone long. I promise.” I whispered kissing y/n’s cheek before slipping on my shoes that were sat next to the door.
“It’s ok. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” She smiled getting off the couch.
“I love you y/n.” I cooed wrapping her in a bone crushing hug.
“I love you too Mike.” She smiled kissing me a few times before closing the front door behind me.
“Finally get some good sleep?” Mike asked as I woke from my nap.
After Mike left I was going to clean our room up a little bit but I ended up falling asleep. He must’ve snuck into bed when he got home. And repositioned me to lie on his chest.
Damn. I really am a heaving sleeper.
“Mmhmm.” I murmured snuggling further into my new pillow. “So how did it go?"
"Great. The doctor said he’s doing amazing. He’s right on track.” Mike smiled. The happiness bursting out of him.
“That’s great. I’m happy for you, baby.” I congratulated kissing him lightly.
“So when do I get to meet him?” I asked hopefully.
“Hopefully soon. I’ve been talking to Ashley about it. She’s just so stubborn. She thinks you’re going to try and take her place.” He sighed playing with my hand.
“I would never.” I defended feeling kind of offended.
“I know and I told her that. I think I’m finally wearing her down though.” Mike reassured me kissing my forehead.
“Ok.” I sighed nodding.
“Come on. Let’s go watch a movie.” He smiled sitting up with me still in his lap.
“Star Wars?!” I asked hopefully.
He has to be tired of that movie by now. I make him watch it constantly.
“Of course.” He smiled getting off the bed with me still in his arms.
God. He really is perfect.
(About a week later)
“Babe! What are you doing right now?” Mike yelled as he made his way down the hall.
“Just got out of the shower.” I yelled in reply while looking through my closet.
“Get dressed. We’re going to the park!” He smiled as he burst through the door.
“The park? Why?”
“It’s a surprise.”
“I hate surprises.” I whined as I grabbed my favorite teal sundress.
If I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to do, may as well look cute doing it.
“You’ll like this one.” Mike smiled. “I promise.” He kissed my nose before leaving me to get ready.
———————– “You ready?” Mike asked giddily as he parked the car.
“I guess.” I sighed as I climbed out of the passenger’s seat and Mike grabbed my hand interlocking our fingers.
“Ashley! Hey.” He smiled and waved at a blonde girl as we walk towards a large tree.
“Ash?” I questioned as the girl sitting at the picnic table turned around.
“Y/n?” She questioned right back.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
“Oh my gosh. Hi.” I greeted awkwardly when we got to the table.
“Hey.” Ash smiled just as awkward.
“Wait. This is the Ashley?” I questioned turning to Mike.
“Yea. How do you guys know each other?” He asked.
“We went to school together.” I replied turning back towards Ash and she just nodded.
“Oh cool.” Mike nodded awkwardly.
He had to be uncomfortable. Poor guy.
“Really is a small world.” I mumbled to myself. “So is that why we’re here? Is that James?”
“Yep.” Mike grinned widely. “See. I told you you’d like this surprise.”
“Can I?” I asked Ash pointing to the covered car seat.
“He’s actually asleep right now. He should be up any minute though. Why don’t we catch up until then? What have you been up to?” Ash asked motioning for me to sit next to her.
“Not much. Just working tons. On my way to a promotion hopefully. You?”
“That’s good. Just working and spending all my free time with the cutest little bundle of joy ever.” She finished just as we hear small cries. “Which speaking of, he is now awake.”
“Oh my god.” I gasped as soon as she pulled him out of the car seat.
“You wanna hold him?”
“Sure.” Ash smiled handing him to me.
“He’s so cute. I want a hundred.” I giggled as he cooed at me. “What did you do Michael? Clone yourself? He looks just like you.” We all laughed at that.
“I know. Isn’t it crazy?” Mike grinned widely completely entranced by his adorable mini me.
“He’s got his mother’s eyes though.” I complimented Ash.
“Aww. Thank you.”
“He’s gorgeous Ash. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you. But hey, he’s partially yours now too step mommy.” Ash winked at me.
“Oh no. He’s all yours. I don’t want to take your place.” I shook my head.
“I know. And you’re not. I’m still his mother. He just has 2 mommys now.” She smiled at James making him giggle.
“You hear that Mike. You’re stuck with her now.” Ash warned him.
“I have no problem with that.” Mike whispered kissing my cheek.
“Now that I know you’re not dating some crazy hoe maybe he can start coming to your house. So you don’t always have to come to mine.” Ash offered as I handed James back to her.
“Really?” Mike lit up.
“That would be amazing. Thank you.” Mike cheered grinning for ear to ear.
“Oh. Someone’s getting cranky. That’s the ‘feed me’ cry.” Ash chuckled putting James back in his car seat.
We had been sitting there just talking and laughing for a little over an hour.
“Ok. We’ll walk you to your car.” Mike offered before standing up and grabbing the car seat.
“It was great seeing you again y/n. I kind of missed you. Just a little though.” Ash winked at me as we got her car. Which just so happened to be right next to ours.
“I missed you too Ash.” I smiled hugging her.
“And Mike. You finally caught a good one. Don’t throw her back.” She joked taking the car seat from him.
“I won’t.” He laughed grabbing my hand again.
“So you like him?” Mike asked later that night as we were sat on the couch watching tv.
“Like him? I love him. He’s so cute.” I swooned.
It was silent for awhile while I thought about how great today was.
“Mikey?” I whispered breaking the silence.
“When do we get to start making babies?”
“How about right now?” Mike laughed thinking I was kidding.
“I’m being serious.” I informed sitting up so I could face him.
“I don’t know sweetie. Whenever feels right I guess. I’m sure we’ll know when the time comes.” He reasoned sitting up as well.
“Wait. So seriously? You really want to have babies with me?” I asked a little shocked.
I had expected this conversation to go very differently.
“Of course. You want to have babies with me right?” Mike questioned a little nervously.
“More than anything.” I whispered before kissing every inch of his face I possibly could.