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4

Eventually I will have silver/white hair. A patch test, if you will.
This is just a step into the kiddy end of the pool. I still feel good and lifted a bit, regardless of how far away from the end goal I am.

Change in a moderate and regulated way is still change.

I have been craving change this whole year. Slowly changing in the process.

Changing my body, changing my hair, and next will be to change my attitude (more positive and outgoing) this is a little difficult. But forward ho.

Im new to Tumblr and the whole fanfic thing but I wanted to try it so here it is...

This is my first ever fanfic so any feedback would be appreciated. I wrote this in like half an hour at 3 am and this is just my trial run but if anybody likes my story I’ll keep up with it. It’s going to turn into a Clexa story eventually I think. This is set after the end of season 2. But anyway. Here it is:

“I bear it so they don’t have to.”

Clarke needed to be alone. She needed to try to find herself again. Mostly, she couldn’t stand to see the faces of her people because it would be a constant reminder of what she had to do to get them there.

“I bear it so they don’t have to.”

She had repeated those words to herself over and over since she turned her back on Bellamy and the rest of her friends. She was beginning to think she was sounding a little crazy. Being her mother’s helper back on the Ark had given her experience with the patients who were losing their minds from being trapped in that damned tin can. It’s not in the human nature to be confined. People who had never felt the sun on their face still knew that the sky was not where they belonged.

But here she was, on the ground. A place she never dreamed in a million years she would be. And yet, Earth now felt even more confined than her prison cell in the box on the Ark.

“I bear it so they don’t have to.”

Clarke was vaguely aware of the sound of the leaves crunching under her feet. She just kept walking. Walking. Walking. Walking. As she has been doing for two days time now. She wanted out. She was done. Beaten down. Finished. She didn’t know who she was anymore.

Her stomach rumbled as she hadn’t eaten since before the attack on Mount Weather. But she didn’t care. She didn’t think she could hold down anything even if she could force herself to eat. She couldn’t get the smell of death out of her nose. The smell of hundreds of people. The smell of allies. Of children who had no part in the war.

It was everywhere.

It was like she was being haunted. She could sense their presence. Following her every move. Innocent souls who died at her hand. It was just like Finn.

She thought she could hear whispers in the trees. “Sky girl.” “Murderer.” Every once in a while Clarke even thought she saw a shadow. A silhouette of a soul that had been following in her wake.

“Commander of Death.”

As soon as she turned to the shadows they would fade away into nothing. But the whispers were all around her. It was something she could not escape from. Something she couldn’t ignore.

Clarke kept walking until night. She couldn’t stand to walk anymore. She hadn’t drank anything since she had left Camp Jaha and her throat was now so dry she couldn’t even croak out the words which had seemed to become her new life motto. So she closed her eyes and screamed in her mind:

“I bear it so they don’t have to.”

Tomorrow she would try to find water. Tomorrow she would try to find food. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. For now, she was done.

Clarke sank to her knees. Now that she had stopped walking, the full force of her actions took over her. She let out a sound that was so horrible she couldn’t even believe it was her own. Clarke continued to wail until she found herself lying on the ground pounding her fists into the hard soil. A few minutes later, she opened her eyes and looked through the trees above.

There was a certain beauty in it…in Earth. From her cell on the Ark, she would look out and try to count the stars. But that was just out of a tiny window. She had thought back then that was all the world had to offer her.

But from her spot on the ground, even looking up through the trees, the stars were infinite. There were so many that it would take you a lifetime to be able to marvel at the beauty of them all. She thought of what it would be like to be able to lie here at night and draw the sky. She thought of what it would be like to have the luxury of being so vulnerable to completely focus on the beauty of something instead of the latter. But Clarke knew in her heart that is a luxury she would never have.

Clarke was tired. She was broken. All she wanted to do right now was sleep, but at the same time she was scared to close her eyes because of what she might find behind them. So she continued to look at the sky. She concentrated on the gentle breeze that she could feel against her skin. She listened to the rustle of the leaves in the trees above. A hushed lullaby that the Earth seemed to be singing just for her. But despite her attempts to not close her eyes, Clarke slowly drifted to sleep.

I’m starting to wonder if God actually does exist.. Today, I got a possibly really awesome job, I felt really pretty, Dallas and I literally almost died on the interstates, but somehow we didn’t, we didnt even get hurt, I saw something on facebook about drunk driving, which I used to do A LOT, and I also saw something about depression and suicide which made me feel like I’m really not alone and people understand, and a lot of other things I can’t explain. And I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times, and it never worked, and I still want to nearly everyday, but I never do. And I was given Dixie. And it just made me think that it’s all for a reason. And maybe there is a God, and he does love me, and even though I don’t understand why the things that have happened to me happened, and why things happen every day that shouldn’t, maybe he is there. Idk yet. Idk if I can believe in him or not, like, maybe I just noticed the signs myself. My brain could’ve made them up. But, I believe there’s a possibility. And I didn’t have that before today.