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Things Approximately Overheard in Full IB

or just IB classes in general, not even meant to be relatable at all times, based off this post

  • “i got seven hours of sleep last night that’s so much more than i usually get isn’t that amazing”
  • “FUCK HAMLET”
  • “can i go to the nurse’s office i super-glued my hand to my vehicle”
  • “if i just eat this paper can i pretend this assignment never existed”
  • “but if you’re colorblind, and i’m colorblind, then what is reality”
  • what if full ib was a reality show like america’s next top model like at the beginning of the season we take a picture of the entire junior candidate class and as they drop we either draw X’s on their faces or photoshop them out dramatically, like another one bites the dust
  • [upon discussion of how efficient IB is with getting the paper tests done vs. AP’s micromanagement hell] “did they even check our IDs?” “well i guess they figure that if we hate ourselves enough to have signed up for this $120 shit we might as well accept our fate”
  • “why are most of you doing this diploma program?” “bragging rights, probably”
  • “WE CAN USE HIGHLIGHTERS ON THE IB TEST OH MY GOD REALLY”
  • “if you wanna do full IB you’ll need a little bit of brain (but not enough to tell you to drop out), a buttload of time management, and just a whole lot of masochism.”
  • junior year: “what’s your EE on?” [anxious laughter]
  • senior year: “so how’s your EE doing?” [mild screeching accompanied by a look of sheer anxiety]
  • only four thousand words? that’s not enough. like i can’t go over? at all?”
  • any IB student, ever: “oh no i have to work on my lab report”, immediately followed by either continuous groaning or ungodly screeching on either side
  • “BLEEEAAAACH IS BLUUUUEEEEE”
  • this one doucheass: “hehe, yeah, they fall asleep all the time in class it’s so stupid”
  • the same doucheass: [falls asleep in every single class, all the time]
  • “what’s this ticking noise? is this a bomb? am i holding a bomb in my hands?”
  • “turns out i was fondling the eiffel tower.”
  • “i want to burn this lemna.  i hate it.  i hate it so much.  once i’m done with this bio ia i’m going to burn the lemna.”
  • “you know your years-long crush is a keeper when he offers to use an industrial vacuum to destroy your science project”
  • “one year these two guys decided to kick the thermit reaction up a notch without notifying me beforehand… we had to evacuate the school.  and then the vice principal at the time noticed that the alarm was coming from E-1, and he was, like, “oh my god, the chem classroom!” and then he sprinted down here, and popped his head in through the door like “what are we exploding today”
  • “hello class, today we’re going to make babies”
  • “can i take four HLs just for the hell of it” “but why” [shrugging noises]
  • “just tell me what reasonable chemicals you guys need for your IAs and i’ll order them for you.  sorry guys, but that means that i cannot and should not get you a pound of uranium.  and no bombs, either.  i don’t want to get flagged for some sort of watch list.”
  • “do you think our teacher has noticed this row of origami parrots on her bookshelves”
  • “keep calm and oh wait i’m in ib”
  • first day of junior year TOK, last year’s full ib class decided to give some advice: “GET started, OUT source your materials, and NOW is the time to start.” (it says “get out now” on the board–) “shh, that’s not important.”
  • “i took my midterm/final on two hours of sleep” “yeah, same”
  • “why do you have so many ink smudges on your face?” “fell asleep during the essay portion again.”
  • [classmates get into heated argument about the concept of one plus one]
  • “a CADAVER! no, come on, you HAVE TO PUT A CADAVER IN THE TIME CAPSULE PUT IN THE DAMN CADAVER WHY WOULD YOU ONLY PUT IN SPERM AND NOT THE EGG JUST PUT IN A DAMN CADAVER
  • “so for our presentation we’re going to prove that the illuminati is real”
  • “i’ve found the meaning of life through theoretical physics”
  • full ib alumni coming back from college to impart wisdom: “yeah, don’t sign up for 8am classes.  sadly i have to be in the lab for my 8am class and i’m always half asleep while breathing in toxic fumes that could very well kill me! so yeah that’s my college experience.  have fun, kids!”
  • “it’s too early in the morning for another existential crisis”
  • but if we’re not in the room anymore is the wall still blue.  what is reality if we aren’t here to perceive it.  oh god TOK textbook please stop hurting my head i need it for my calc test next period”

Como una idiota cruzando la calle
tengo miedo, me río, me saludo en el espejo
con una sábana hedionda,
me corto de raíz,
me escupo, me execro.
Como una santa acosada
por voces angélicas
me hundo en la canción de las plagas
y me vengo, me renuncio,
me silencio, me recuerdo.

Como una idiota cruzando la calle, Alejandra Pizarnik