gif: the first time

“I don’t know much about relationships. I don’t know anything about love. All I want, like, in this whole world, is to just keep talking to you. I wanna know how your day was, where you wanna eat, and I wanna argue with you. And I wanna hear all your theories, even the ones that are just completely, you know, wrong. And I know it’s not that simple. I just believe that if you are really willing to continue having this conversation with me, then we can figure the rest out.”

The first time.

I don’t know much about relationships. I don’t know anything about love. All I want, like, in this whole world, is to just keep talking to you. I wanna know how your day was, where you wanna eat, and I wanna argue with you. And I wanna hear all your theories, even the ones that are just completely, you know, wrong. And I know it’s not that simple. I just believe that if you are really willing to continue having this conversation with me, then we can figure the rest out.

I.

The first time your heart was torn from your chest,
You thought you were dying.
You knew you could not live with the empty space.
So you replaced your heart with metaphors
And set out to create a world where the metaphor was unbreakable.

Now look what you’ve done—
You can’t breathe so you write.
You can’t hurt so you drink rum and pour our pirate chanties.
You can’t want revenge so you leave.

II.

When I see you I have two thoughts:
You are the reason The Smith’s wrote songs,
And my god, you are beautiful.

You are so beautiful
Blinking stars go blind.

But I can see this is going to get ugly.
The metaphors don’t make you feel whole anymore.
You sell out your deepest insecurities for a handful of laughs.
This life has you wound so tight you make grandfather clocks look relaxed.
You hold your body like banks hold money—all locked up.
Your shoulders are glass rocks waiting for the next attack.

But you’ve got it all wrong.

You don’t survive history.
History survives you.

There is no breakthrough without breakdown.

III.

If you’re going to break, shatter.
No explanations.
No limp-legged dog excuses.
No messing with this bullet proof vest fury
So popular with the cops and the presidents.

You’ve got to break like Texas.
You’ve got to take the pain from the safety valve of your heart
And return it to your fists.
Fight your better judgment ‘till you’re sinister again,
‘till your body remembers what it already knows how to do—
bend back
and manifest grief.
Scream torches ‘till you embarrass the enlightened.

Please. No more polite conversations with your death wish.
Give it something useful to do.
Change your life.

Cause I can’t stand to see you like this.
So blue, my eyes turn green in your presence.
Listen—you are so beautiful,
Grass pushes through sidewalk cracks just to kiss your feet.

IV.

Maybe no one ever told you,
But the heart IS a metaphor.
Yours is growing so strong
You’ll have your rhythm back any day now—

Loving like rumours spread.
Dreaming like lunatic spacemen jump from their suits.
Living like you never forgot how.

—  Mindy Nettifee, “The First Time”
10

GET TO KNOW ME MEME: [1/5] favorite movies » The First Time

“Jane, Janie, Lately I’ve been feeling like there’s so much noise, ya know? uh so much static. all these voices competing for attention. teachers, parents, magazines. what’s in, what’s out, who’s cool, who’s not cool enough… and it’s like all this shit gets so loud I feel like I cant even hear myself think. I just want to get in my car and drive… but then I see you, I see you across the hall leaning against your locker… in that jacket that you love so much… and the way you tuck your hair back behind your ears… then you see me and you smile but just smile and it’s like, it’s like all that noise fades away ya know… and then the only thing I can hear is the sound of your voice when you call out my name.”

[It’s] like another form of initiation into society. You do your driving test, lose your virginity, smoke your first cigarette. You have to do these things; it’s all part of a process. But sometimes I think it has gone a bit too far compared to the past; now sexuality is just another consumer item, another thing on the shopping list. Yeah, fuck, shag, get drunk, whatever. I mean, there’s very little respect for ourselves or other people in this modern world. There’s no real sense of honouring. Which was what I felt when I was a teenager. And I think that’s really missing, even more perhaps now than ever.
—  Quoted in Kate Monro, The First Time