I am not pro-ana but I am not judgemental.
I’ve been there, I’ve restricted and restricted until
I was counting calories in gum and mints. I’ve watched my body transform from a vessel of life to a skeletal shadow of death.
My body has burned with unquenchable thirst.
Not for water, Lord knows I drank more water in a week than most people drink in a month.. A thirst for beauty. A thirst for society’s acceptance, a thirst for a love that I believed only a skinny girl could afford.
I was one of 5 sister’s. All of which stood under 5'3 with dainty bone structures and size 0 privledge.
I was 5'6 with a large frame and 40 pounds I could stand to lose. Yes, I was the “fat sister”.. My existence was overshadowed by the compliments I was in ear shot of but never received.
I was raised in a strict Christian family that tossed stones in glass houses for fun. I was the target of jokes that revolved around my weight and referenced beached whales, great white whales and the Pillsbury dough boy. I would break down crying on occasion and was met with a less than sympathetic, “oh, grow thicker skin honey.”
I was 19 when I met someone who I trusted. soon my first son was born and I was encouraged not to be so critical of myself. I was told that I was beautiful, intelligent, an amazing mother and that I had nothing and no one to worry about. 3 years down the road I finally listened, I was 60 pounds over weight but I had so many qualities that made the number on the scale irrelevant to me.
I wasn’t perfect but that was perfectly okay. 🌹
And then my world was turned upside down..
01/06/14: my dad wakes up in a panic, he can’t breathe. The police are called, paramedics swarm the house, he’s placed on oxygen and transferred to the hospital. He’s going to be okay, he just needs oxygen, antibiotics and rest.
01/07/14: we get a call, he’s being sedated into a medical coma. His lungs are 98% compromised, it’s bilateral pneumonia, it’s not good. He’s stabilized and rushed to a more advanced hospital 2 hours away, he’s placed on ecmo.
01/20/17: he’s been sedated for 14 days, his last words are on repeat in my head as I attempt to sleep for the first time in days. He’s pleading for water in his semi-concious state but the doctors won’t allow him to have so much as a wet sponge. Suddenly, a cellphone rings out in the dark. It’s the doctors, we need to get to the ICCU asap. He’s bleeding internally and his oxygen levels are plummeting, he’s dying. There’s nothing that can be done so we’re forced to let him go.
Cue water obsession. I’ve carried water with me since his death, the only thing that can stop my crippling anxiety attacks is chugging water. It never made sense, but it worked.
3 months later, my relationship has deteriorated. My nearly two year old son still crawls into the living room and stares at papa’s recliner before walking up to it and saying “pah, pah, pah.” He still points at the picture of my dad on the dining room wall when we’re at the dinner table and smiles.. I wish I could be so young and innocent. I wish I could face tragedy with a smile.
Fast forward 3 days, I’ve just found out that my fiance, the same person who would tell me not to be so unsure, the same person who would reassure me that I had every reason to be confident in him has revealed that he has been having an affair with my younger sister for over a year.
I’m destroyed but I can’t muster a tear. I’d spent the last three months crying from the moment I woke up to the moment i went to sleep. I was numb. I’ve just lost the only two people who ever had faith in me. One to an untimely death due to a virus mutation that is still being investigated by the CDC and the other to my sister.
“It’s because she was skinny.” I rationalized, “It’s because I haven’t lost the baby weight.” I insisted that it was my fault for not being as visually pleasing as I could have been.
That’s when I met ana.
From that day on and spanning the coarse of two years I restricted, I turned pain into willpower and lost 90 pounds within the first 8 months, Leaving me at 125 pounds. I had done it, I had forced my body into society’s mold. I was the “skinny sister” people made comments like, “you better hold on or you’re going to blow away!” And, “I wish I could look like you! How do you do it?” Oh, and my personal favorite..
“I wish I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight.” With a passive aggressive tone in her voice, or maybe it was jealousy?
You’re right, I do eat whatever I want. I come home to a refrigerator with a couple meals worth of tomatoes, cucumbers, celery and carrots. I have a couple frozen chicken breasts and a container of ice for eating when I’m on a water fast and I want texture.
While I’m curled up in bed, clutching a water bottle and diverting my focus from the nauseating hunger pain with calorie calculations, you’re sitting around the bar with friends, sharing small talk, laughter and appetizers.
While I’m standing in the same isle for 15 minutes with my anxious fingers pacing nutrition labels, you’re tossing items into your cart without so much as a glance. You’re running into friends and co-workers, you’re sharing small talk and your collective frustration over shopping last minute on the tax free weekend.
You have a life and a social circle, I have a bottle of water and a Tumblr account. Don’t envy me.
You see, Ana lures you into her trap with the intention to strip you of your better judgment and blind you with dysmorphia. She sets goals that are attainable only to congratulate your success with another set of goals, only this time they’re less attainable. Ana will never be satisfied with you. Your body will forever be a work in progress, not the work of art she promised.
I am now in complete recovery, I have been for two years. I found out I was expecting and I had to learn to love my body just as much as the life within. I’m now embarking on a weightloss journey, a healthy One! I began with calorie restriction to shrink my stomach over the coarse of a week and due to my sedentary occupation I am now eating between 800 and 1,200 calories a day. Fruits, veggies and lean meat. I’m using the power of ketosis instead of the power of starvation and I’m happy to say that I’m seeing the same results as I did two years ago but I’m not experiencing the lethargy, fainting spells and fatigue. I know that it is scary to see food as your friend as opposed to your enemy but it’s well worth a try.
Thank you for reading and as always, stay safe! ♥
May 5 is Children’s Day in Japan, which was traditionally known as tango no sekku - celebrating sons and fathers, but in 1948 was changed to include girls and mothers.
On this day koinobori (carp streamers) are hung. It is a tradition in which colorful koi (carp) are depicted on banners and placed up high to flow in the wind. The carp is believed to be a spirited fish, full of energy and power to fight its way up rapidly flowing streams.
A Ginny Weasley Fanmix
♕ clickHERE to listen on spotify
Castle ➤ Halsey I Dare You ➤ The xx Save Yourself ➤ Birdy White Teeth Teens ➤ Lorde What Kind of Man ➤ Florence + The Machine Rich Youth ➤ Hayley Kiyoko Keeping Your Head Up ➤ Birdy Falling ➤ HAIM Little Me ➤ Little Mix Rebel Girl ➤ Bikini Kill Dare ➤ Daya Wasting My Young Years ➤ London Grammar Lose It ➤ Oh Wonder