gif: gin

  • Chuuya:So, Dazai is the man I've been seeing recently.
  • Dazai:...Why are they looking at me like I'm a zoo animal?
  • Gin:Well, Chuuya sort of acts like the mom of the group, so emotionally, this is kind of like being told that you're our new dad.
  • Dazai:But you know it's nothing like that, right?
  • Tachihara:Absolutely. Do you cook macaroni?
Please imagine if Cutthroat Kitchen existed in the Bleachverse

Author’s choice list. :)

Sorry to have another author’s choice list! It’s been a shitty week and I don’t have the emotional energy for anything else. And also…I may or may not have been marathoning Cutthroat Kitchen (the show, hosted by Alton Brown, in which contestants in a cooking competition get to buy silly sabotages and give them to their opponents), and I can’t help but think about how much fun a Bleach version would be. Please imagine with me…

1. The host (instead of Alton Brown) would be Gin.

2. Seriously just imagine Gin introducing the sabotages.

3. And snarkily telling the camera how the contestants are messing up.

4. Imagine Yoruichi buying the sabotage that forces Soi Fon and Urahara to work while inside the same hula hoop.

5. Urahara somehow managing to finish his dish while being forcefully dragged around the whole kitchen by an angry Soi Fon.

6. Soi Fon buying ALL the rest of the sabotages and giving them to Urahara.

7. Her favorite was forcing Urahara to do all of his cooking inside of a kido box.

8. Kenpachi being sorely disappointed by what the actual premise of the show is.

9. And that there’s no “fight your opponent to the death” sabotage.

10. Ulquiorra being forced to trade his protein for beef heart.

11. And just starring at it for a long time in silent contemplation while the clock ticks down.

12. Tatsuki buying the sabotage that forces Ichigo to use SUPER GIANT KNIVES AND COOKWARE.

13. Ichigo not noticing that anything is different.

14. Grimmjow bidding all of his money on the first sabotage because he can’t back down.

15. And then receiving, just, all of the sabotages from then on.

16. His least favorite was being forced to make all of his cooking utensils out of duct tape.

17. Hikifune being cheerfully immune to any and all sabotages thrown at her. Being forced to cook one-handed while sitting on a rocking horse and having her entire basket swapped with canned chili? Still made a dish so delicious that the judge had to fight back tears.

18. Orihime being the absolute best at having to work with unusual ingredients. Her basket has been swapped with gas station food? She’s actually really excited to try it!

19. Ishida’s intense sadness when he’s forced to give up the basket he so lovingly constructed.

20. Chad being forced to use really tiny utensils. 

21. Rose putting way more energy into presentation and selling the dish than he does in the actual construction of it.

22. Shinji buying the sabotage that forces Kensei to sing for his ingredients. 

23. Kensei’s angry singing.

24. People not quite daring to give sabotages to Unohana. 

25. Kira buying the sabotage that forces Renji to do all of his cooking using kido.

26. Renji trying to pass off his exploded, charred, and still smoking dish as a “deconstructed hamburger.”

27. Hisagi absolutely being the contestant who ruffles and smells the money when he first gets it.

28. Nemu somehow managing to take all of the sabotages meant for Kurotsuchi.

29. Yamamoto being forced to cook everything on a candle.

30. Aizen filling his basket with enough ingredients for a dish and two back-up dishes just in case…only to inevitably be forced to swap baskets with Urahara. Who just got radishes for some reason.