gif: doaf

This is a topic I’ve been meaning to write about for a while now, I’ll try to explain myself as best as I can(it’s 4 am here atm, and I can’t seem to fall asleep so).
A lot of times I get asked why I’m not religious, a lot of people who are not me seem to have their theories about it, some claim its because I’m from a religion that isn’t “real”(I’m a Druze) which isn’t true, druz do believe in one god etc, lets not go into that though that’s a whole different topic. Ahem anyways, I’ve been in an American Christian catholic school my whole life( I switched schools two years ago), and for a while as a small child I thought I was Christian, because I wanted to belong, it never felt right though; it was the same when we learned about Islam, and Judaism, I never felt like it was me. Last year on the 31st of march my grandfather passed away, now he is very religious, at that time I didn’t believe/support religions however you want to understand it, I still believed in god. After a while though i started having doubts, at first I shut away those doubts, because both my grandparents on both sides were very religious and I was greatly influenced by that, then after a few months my grandmother(on my moms side) passed Away and that destroyed me even more, at the point I stopped believing in anything. My therapist and I have been discussing it a lot lately, and this is how I explained it, you know how a lot of kids believe Santa is real? And then one Christmas morning they catch their parents putting the presents under the tree. For me it was a similar experience with god, I’ve always thought that “god” was good, that “he” loved me, etc then after losing my grandparents and experiencing that feeling of total solitude, I started “waking up”.
Where was god when I was in the fourth grade walking to school And older men followed me? Where is god now when children all over the world are dying of hunger? Where is god when people are raping? Murdering? And yet I’m the one who’s going to “hell”? For wearing shorts? For wanting equal rights?! For supporting gay/trans* etc? So it’s either that “god” exists and really doesn’t care, or isn’t as “fair” as everyone told me, or he isn’t everywhere at once which is why he doesn’t stop all the bad things from happening which means he isn’t omnipotent? I’m not looking for arguments, each person has their beliefs and I respect that, but please remember just like you have freedom TO religion, I have freedom FROM religion.