Before he was known for being Killian Jones, Sex God of the Sea, Colin starred in a short film entitled Call Girl. He played a young man named Brendan who arranges to have his first ever sexual experience with, well, a call girl. Brendan is not very good at doing the sex things. No. Not at all. And thus, through young Colin’s lovely portrayal of an utterly inept young man, we’re treated to a dazzling array of downright bizarre sex moves. Allow me to illustrate:
I like to call this move, “Ravish Me Please.” As soon as his partner moves into action, Brendan apparently decides to lay back and enjoy the ride, as he flings his arms far and wide in the most useless way possible. “This is great,” he’s clearly thinking to himself. “Sex is great. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Brendan seems to be getting the hang of the kissing part by now, but he still doesn’t really know what to do with the rest of himself. Here, he has opted to engage in a move that seems like it would be a classic, but really… Well, despite the euphemism about a “roll in the hay,” literally rolling across the length of the bed is better suited for kids on a slumber party sugar high than actual adults trying to make sexy times.
This GIF is nice, right? I mean, Colin’s looking pretty good here. He looks like his kissing’s on point. His hands are… *sigh* Oh, Brendan. Let’s just call this move, “As Soon As I Figure Out What to Do with My Hands, You’ll Be the First to Know” and move on, shall we?
This move is my personal favorite. Look at the finesse here. The je ne sais quoi. There’s really no better title for this move than “Sea Turtle Picked Up Unexpectedly.” His skinny little arm is trying to do something useful, but his hand hasn’t gotten the memo and literally just flops about on the end of his arm. Adding to the confusion is the strange little wiggle he’s doing and the fact that his mouth seems to just be suction cupped to her face without any additional movement. What… What are you even doing??
All joking aside, I have to give Colin props for this depiction of an inept virgin’s first foray into carnal pleasures. It’s hard to even believe that this is the same guy who, a little over ten years later, would be slinking around on our TV screens as the world’s sexiest pirate captain. He’s got range, our Colin.