Meet the Men Fantasy Spotlight 2015 #6: The Allfather
By Reed Baker
Owner: Jonathan “Tinderstorm” Lenz
Team Outlook: The biggest bust of the 2014 league, Lenz has hit fantasy football rock bottom, and rumbles into the 2015 season with a fire in his heart and his semi-erect penis in his hand. Look for some Patches O’Hoolihan-style wrenches in this year’s league, because the gif king is out for blood.
Gif mastery. Keeping his snapchat stories interesting while at a reasonable length. Spikeball. Stabbing people to extract their blood. Hoopfest. Being ludicrously tall. Falling asleep on couches that he’s entirely too tall to fit on.
Playoffs. Knowing where to shave to differentiate his beard from his chest hair. Drinking games. Tinder. Ordering a “Gin and Juice” at a predominantly African-American bar in Spokane.
Inhaling wildfire smoke to the point of hallucinating and selecting the players that come to him in his dreams. Then, being brought back to life by Jennifer Lawrence. Or just being brought back to life at all. Also, probably will draft a Tight End with his second pick.
“Yo Coach! How’d his draft go?”: Drafted a ton of his former players from 2013. I’m pretty sure he’s pulling an Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite and just trying to relive the glory years.
FUN FACT: Types all Facebook, text, and iMessages with his genitals.