ghost in the bathroom stalls

204. We are not allowed to send fake anonymous love letters.

A/N: Dedicated to Anon. Without you, we wouldn’t know how bad James are Remus are at writing love notes. Well done.

James startled in his place when a giant book bounced on his bed directly in front of his view before tumbling off the side of the bed and landing on the ground with a resounding THWAK.

He looked up quickly to see Remus standing at the edge of his bed, his arms folded tight, and a deep frown etched on his face.

“Are you,” James paused, his eyes glancing at the fallen book on the floor before continuing hesitantly, “okay?”

“If I have to write one more word about why werewolves are dangerous,” he started, his eyes going darker with every word, “I’m going to find Professor Creed and show him just how dangerous werewolves can be.”

James flinched slightly, putting his own book away as he said, “Yeah, this assignment is bloody ridiculous. It won’t be a surprise when Creed isn’t invited to stay to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts next year.”

“He better not be,” Remus answered with a huff, sitting down against the edge of James’ bed.

“What do you want to do?” James asked, willing to put aside anything he needed to get done to spend time with his friend, “Sirius is at detention for back-talking and Peter is being tutored, but you and I could pull a prank on someone without them.”

“I think that any prank I’d come up with now would be too violent,” Remus admitted, “And likely have dire consequences that get us into loads of trouble.”

“Well,” James shrugged, “I’d stop you from doing anything too violent, and you know me. Loads of trouble isn’t something that’s likely to deter me from doing something I want to do.”

Remus smiled softly, letting out a brief chuckle, “I suppose that’s true.”

James lifted his fingers as he started counting off the list of ideas for pranks they could pull, “We could find Snivellus and charm his robes to be a different color again. Or we could reorganize all of the books in Creed’s office so he has to re-do them in the order he wants them in. Or we could pretend to be ghosts and hide in the bathroom stalls and freak people out when they’re trying to go.”

Remus shrugged, tilting his head as he thought about the merits of each different idea. He opened his mouth to comment when a bright pink slip of paper caught his eyes on the edge of James’ nightstand.

His mind diverted from their previous conversation, he pointed to the paper and asked, “What’s that?”

“Oh,” James rolled his eyes after looking to see what Remus was pointing to, “Just some dumb secret admirer note someone sent me this week.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, “A secret admirer note?”

James nodded, “Yeah, I guess someone saw me playing last week and decided they wanted to send me a note to tell me I was good and stuff.”

“Why is that dumb?” Remus asked confused.

James snorted, reaching over to grab the paper and handed it to Remus for him to read.

My Dearest James,
You’re swift on a broom, as fast as can be.
I wish there was some room, so you could fly with me.
When I see you on the field, you make my heart soar.
I can’t wait until the next game, where I can watch you more.
Love,
Your Secret Admirer

“That’s,” Remus paused as he tried to think of the right words.

James suggested, “Creepy? Slightly stalkerish?”

“I was going to say terrible and a little over the top, but your words work too,” Remus admitted with a laugh.

He handed the note back, watching as James threw it on his nightstand, not wanting to deal with it at the moment, when the idea popped in his head.

“We should write secret admirer notes.”

James scrunched his nose skeptically, “Okay? Who do you want to write a note to?”

“No,” Remus corrected him with an eye roll, “Not serious secret admirer notes. We should write some as pranks.”

James eyes lit up as he jumped up from his spot on his bed, “That’s a fantastic idea! I think that I have some parchment in my nightstand if you want to grab some.”

Remus crawled to the edge of James bed and looked through his nightstand to find the spare parchment, “What are you grabbing?”

“I think Sirius has some ink I want to use,” James mumbled, looking through Sirius’ chest.

It was long before he let out an “Ah-ha!” and turned around, holding a small bottle of ink triumphantly.

Remus reached out, grabbing the bottle from James and looked at the label on the side, “Glitter Ink. Why on earth does Sirius have this?”

James shrugged unconcerned, “Why does Sirius have anything he has? I try not to question it too much.”

Remus snorted, handing the bottle of ink back to James along with the parchment.

“You should write the note,” James decided.

“Why?” Remus asked.

“Your handwriting is better than mine.”

“So?”

“So, we want them to be able to read the note.”

“If you write slowly, people can read your handwriting too,” Remus paused before adding, “Besides, if you write in cursive your handwriting looks like a girl’s.”

James scoffed, “No it does not.”

“It does a little.”

“Ugh, fine, I’ll write the notes. Give me that,” he took the quill from Remus’ hand, ignoring his smug smile and dipped the quill in the ink.

“Who should we write the note to?” James asked.

They sat silent for a moment before they both answered simultaneously, “Snivellus.”

James started.

My dearest Snive-

Remus grabbed the parchment out from under James and crumpled it up before throwing it away.

“Hey!”

“You can’t write Snivellus,” Remus scolded him, “That makes it obvious that it’s us.”

James nodded, “Sorry, you’re right. Force of habit. Let’s try that again.”

My Dearest Severus,
Your large sulking figure reminds me of a bat,

“This is supposed to be a love note,” Remus reminded him.

“Just wait and see,” James promised him.

When I wake up in the morning, I wonder where you’re at.

“Oh-kay,” Remus said slowly.

“You’re turn,” James prompted him.

“My turn?” Remus asked incredulously.

“Well,” James sighed, “I’m not writing this on my own. That would be weird.”

“Yes, that’s what’s weird about this whole situation,” he answered sarcastically.

“This was your idea!” James reminded him.

“Fine, fine, just let me think for a moment.”

Remus was silent, his lips moving slightly as he muttered to himself before saying, “Alright, write this down.”

I wonder if my fingers in your hair could go through,

“That doesn’t even make sense,” James complained.

“You hush and write,” Remus ordered him.

Would you let me touch it and maybe use shampoo?

“That’s gross,” James declared, “I feel dirty now.”

“That sounded a lot less sexual in my head,” Remus admitted.

Laughing James said, “You’re terrible at this!”

Remus argued, “You are too!”

They both laughed together, looking at the terrible note they’d written, unsure what to do with it.

“Should we finish it and send it?” James asked.

“It feels…wrong,” Remus said.

James nodded, crumpling the paper up and throwing it into the waste basket, “Let’s start from the top.”

Remus put his hand on James’ arm, stopping him from starting and suggested, “What if we write love notes to Sirius and Peter instead? I think we’d feel less creepy and we could see their reactions better.”

James nodded, “That is a great idea. To My Dearest Sirius it is.”

“Hey,” Remus added as James began to write, “When we’re done with this, let’s go reorganize Professor’s Creeds books in his office.”

James smiled widely, looking like a Cheshire cat that got the cream, “There’s nothing that would delight me more.”

-

BONUS:

“C’mon Sirius, we’re waiting for you,” James reminded him, leaning against his four poster bed.

“I’m almost ready,” Sirius grumbled, rifling through his trunk to find his money pouch to throw in his bag.

The four were about to leave the castle grounds to head to Hogsmeade and were waiting on Sirius to finish grabbing his stuff before they left.

Remus hummed disapprovingly and lectured, “If you would organize and clean out that trunk every once in a while, you’d actually be able to find your stuff when you looked.”

“My organization system is fine, thank you very much,” Sirius clipped out, sniffing a pair of socks he pulled out before making a disgusted face and throwing the socks in the corner where his hamper was.

James rolled his eyes and glanced over at the head of Sirius’ bed, where a slip of parchment caught his eye.

His heart pounded as he recognized the writing and he eagerly jumped forward to pull it out from under Sirius’ pillow.

“What’s this?” he asked teasingly, waving the letter in the air.

Sirius looked up to see what James was holding and froze in his spot. His eyes went wide briefly before he shrugged casually, “It’s just something I’ve been meaning to throw away.”

“Oh yeah?” James challenged, “Is that why you keep it under your pillow? Do you sleep with it every night? Read the words before you fall asleep?”

“What is it?” Peter asked eagerly, stretching his neck out to try and see what it was.

“It’s nothing,” Sirius said, “Now give it back.”

James opened the parchment, turning to Remus and winking before he read:

“My Dearest Sirius,”

“Stop it,” Sirius said, “It’s stupid, I know. I’ve been meaning to throw it away, but just haven’t. You don’t have to –,”

“When I see you swagger into the Great Hall in the morning,”

“Oh, is that what they call it? Swaggering?” James teased.

“Ha ha. Okay, you got me. Give it back now,” Sirius said humorlessly.

James continued:

“I can’t help but to think that your body needs a warning.”

“A warning for what?” Remus asked, his eyes sparkling more than normal, “for the days that you decide to have an impromptu breakfast chili with extra beans and spice?”

“I stand by that breakfast,” Sirius answered firmly, placing his hands on his hips.

“Your rock-hard abs are something I desperately want to see,”

“Rock hard abs?” Peter squeaked out with a guffaw, “What rock-hard abs?”

“Har har. You’re all hilarious,” Sirius said as the other three laughed.

“Wait,” James said, holding his finger up, “It gets better.”

“If only you knew what you do to me.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing,” James said. 

Remus laughed as he walked over to Sirius and thrrew his arm over the other man’s shoulders, “It think it’s sweet. You do something to them.”

Sirius scoffed, ducking under Remus’ arm and taking purposeful strides over to James.

Seeing that Sirius was coming his way, James quickly jumped away, walking around the room to get away as he read faster:

“Everything about you is supremely divine,
My only wish in life is that you could be mine.”

Sirius caught up to James and snatched the parchment out of his hands.

James jumped onto his bed, taking a bow to Peter and Remus who began to applaud and finished, “With lots of love, your secret admirer.”

“Bravo!” Remus called out, “A true work of art!”

Sirius barked at the others, “Alright, alright. You all had your fun! Now get out of here.”

“You still haven’t found your money pouch yet,” Peter reminded him.

Sirius waved them away, “I’ll find it and catch up to you guys in a bit.”

“Works for me,” James said with a shrug, jumping down from his make-shift platform and nodded to the others to follow him.

“We’ll see you and your rock hard abs soon,” he said with a wink, bouncing out the door.

Remus laughed and added, “Don’t take too long swaggering to where we are.”

Peter laughed, waving good-bye not bothering to try and add anything.

As soon as the three were gone, Sirius let out a deep sigh.

He walked over to his trunk, glancing at the letter briefly before folding it nicely and placing it in a small compartment at the bottom of his messy trunk.

No one had to know.

+     @mattchilliams

          [ well, it’s rainer. alessio heard from his ex-fling that this particular gay goth nightclub had a ghost in the last stall in the men’s bathroom that would suck your dick at midnight, so of course he HAS to check this stupid fucking rumor out ]  [ alessio had told him, seen the look on his face, rolled his eyes and said ‘i hope whoever the ghost is kills you’ ]  [ which ?? a) between the warding tattooed into his body and the fact he’s a motherfucking necromancer? he would like to see this ghost try, and b) death would be a blessing, he really would like to see this ghost try ]

          [ so here he is, perched atop the toilet like a fuckin gargoyle, playing on his phone at the stroke of midnight ]