13 february 2016

i think that in a lot of ways, you never really fall out of love with your “first”. alex was mine. when we were good, we were so good. but when things got bad, it was so incredibly bad. we didn’t see eye-to-eye on anything. we both said multiple times we’re not even sure how we ended up together, but somehow, by the fate of the universe, we did. we loved each other dearly, but it was clear (to both of us) that it was not working out. our relationship was toxic, and i wish it didn’t end the way it did. when someone you love hurts you time and time again (and even again today), you want to hate them. and for a minute there after the break-up, i really thought that i hated him. in actuality, my feelings were just hurt and i was disappointed. of course now none of that matters.
now when i close my eyes and think of alex, i see his pretty hands, and the way he turns a steering wheel. i see him sleeping in bed next to me. i see him playing guitar for my niece and nephews. i see him lacing up his shoes in the morning and standing in line at starbucks and throwing toothpicks at me during work. i see all of the beautiful, obscure things about him that attracted me to him in the first place. he was not perfect, but he was special to me. he will always be special to me. he taught me so much about love and the crazy things it makes a person do. he was strong-minded, silly, big-hearted, and true to who he really was. he was troubled, and one-of-a-kind. it was impossible not to love him. and oh boy, i did.

to alex t. harwell:
i’m glad we were okay by the end of your life. i hope that now you are finally at peace with yourself. my heart is absolutely broken, and the realization that you are actually gone is just now hitting me, but i understand that you had to go. i will always cherish our time together. thank you for being my first real world love. you mean so much to me. and always will. always always always.

rest in peace. i will never ever forget you. thank you for everything.