getting a big mac

Mom Adopts a “Dog”

So y’all keep blowing up my notes with the various Family Lore stories I’ve been telling, so I guess I should tell one on my parents now.

My Mother’s Father was part of the United Auto Worker’s Union, and during the 50′s and 60′s, was on strike a lot. My point is, grandpa got himself an entirely deserved reputation for being a sucker who loved animals, so people would dump thier pets on him. Hence, my mother grew up in a house with pets such as Picket the one-eyed tomcat, Tweety the Bald canary, Dummy the cat, Stupid Son of Dummy, Spooky Garbage Dog and Chiquita the Tarantula.  Eventually Grandma put her foot down when Grandpa brought home Gerta the Saint Bernard.

I say all this because it provides some context for how the following occured.

Mom and Dad had just moved in together (my parents dated for six years and were engaged for 13 days, driving everyone on both sides insane), and unfortunately, My mother’s German Shepherd, Cops, has just passed away due to bone cancer.  After mourning for a bit, Mom and Dad decided to get a dog together, as a couple.  

For context, my father had never owned a dog in his life.  His mother had ‘Pretty Bird” the budgie as a child but parrots are alien life forms, not pets.

So they go to the Palo Alto Animal shelter to adopt.  The year was 1987, and at the time, Palo Alto was… not a great place.  Lots of drugs, gangs and poor civic managment.  Mom told me that she learned to identify different types of gunfire while living there. They get there, and mom explains that she’s always had a preference for Big Dogs, and the guy’s face lights up.  Oh Yes, he says, We have a Big Dog.  For expirienced owners, yep, adoptable today, here we’ll give you a discount even-

Somehow my parents were not suspicious about this.

They were shown to the Animal in question, a Gorgeous blue-sable beastie with pretty golden eyes who immediately pressed herself against the fence and gave them the best PUH-LEEEEEEASE TAKE ME HOME puppy eyes 100lbs of canine can do.  Mom and Dad fall in love instantly.  They sign all the paperwork and take her home for $10, and name her “Mazel” as in “Mazel Tov.”

Within the hour, it becomes clear that something is amiss.

Cops had lived with his kibble stored in a plastic garbage can in the garage for six years without incident.  Mazel figured out how to open doors and got the locking lid off the can in six minutes, horking down about four pounds of the stuff before my mother notices that it’s been weirdly quiet.  Most dogs bark at or chase squirrels.  Mazel stalked and caught one the second day, presenting it to my mother like an offering.  Mazel knew all her commands but would clearly stop to consider before obeying, and trained my dad to give her good treats within a week.  The locks on the side-yard gate were undone, and she took a stroll around the neighborhood, but always retuned home for dinner.

After a week of gradually realizing that Mazel was smarter than most of the professors my mom worked with, they took her to the Vet for a routine checkup.

Dr. Hamada walked into the exam room, dropped the clip-board and said “Where the HELL did you get a Wolf?”

After a bit of prodding and a very-angry-dr.hamada-calling-the-pound, they determined Mazel was a high-content hybrid, probably with a husky, but was going to be a lil shit her entire life.  OK, said Hamada, I don’t like destroying animals and you’ve got a lot of expirience with dogs, so I’m okay with letting you keep her, but you should keep her away from small children because her Prey Drive could kick in.

Two years later, mom got pregnant with me.

Mazel noticed instantly, and reacted by digging a large hole in the yard and catching even more squirrels for mom, because she needed the protein or something.  That what you do when the Alpha Bitch is preggers, right?  Dig a den and ply her with food?  On the advice of my grandmother, my mom stayed overnight at the hospital once I was delivered, and dad went home with a shirt that had moms and my scent on it.  Mazel spent the whole night puzzling over it.

The next morning, when mom came home with me, there was the sudden and instantaneous recognition of PUPPY!!!!!! :D:D:D!!!!! PUUUUUUUPPY!!!!!!  and Mazel turned into the most aggressively maternal being I’ve ever met.  Playing with me on the blanket, sitting under my chair at meals (I was a messy eater), sleeping under my crib, teaching me to walk by letting me hang onto her fur and shuffle around.

Dr. Hamada thought mom was a madwoman, until he saw me holding Mazel’s mouth open and sticking my face in so i could look at her teeth.  He gave up when my mom announced she was pregnant with my sister.

I’m making living with a Wolfdog sound awesome, but it did come with some drawbacks:

  • Mazel did have to be muzzled at the vets, because she had Opinions about having things stuck up her butt.
  • HAIR.  One of my chores growing up was to brush her out every week and I’d frequently end up with more hair than animal.
  • the only way we could reliably get her to stay in the yard was with an overhead tether with a STEEL cable, which she chewed through anyway.
  • Do you like waking up by being hit in the face with half a dead animal? No? Wolfdogs may not be for you.
  • More than capable of opening the fridge and eating everything if you’re not watching
  • Will get into everything if not otherwise occupied.  Including eating your tax forms.
  • Howls along with sirens at 4 AM.

PROS of growing up with a wolfdog, as a small child in the 90′s

  • I was afforded a degree of freedom normally associated with a pokemon trianer. It was no big deal for me and my sister to walk three miles through my not-really-good neighborhood to the Froyo if I took Mazel with us. People tended to leave us alone when we had 100lbs of overprotective Apex Predator following us around.
  • WINNING at Pet Day at school.  There wasn’t actually a compettion but Billy’s hamster sucks in comparison to an animal that is perfectly willing to demonstrate how she can snap an oak branch in half on command.
  • PTA moms losing their shit because Mazel would walk down the block by herself to come pick ups up from school.
  • Grew up associating the word “Bitch” with teeth and the willingness to rip an asshole’s face off for being rude.  Never changed the definition.
  • Learned the I-Own-This Strut and Murder-Stare from the absolute best.

When she was 17, Mom and Dad decided to add another room on to the house.  They rigged up the overhead tether so she could be outside but not underfoot for the contruction guys.  One morning, mom came out to notice them all milling in the side yard entrance, muttering worriedly.  When mom asked what was wrong, one of them explained that Carlos forgot to bring the Hamburger.  What do you need a hamburger for?  Asked mom, and they pointed down the side yard to where Mazel was sitting, doing her best Viscious Alpha Bitch Stare.

Apparently they’d never realized that she was on the VERY end of her tether there and couldn’t actually get to them, and had been scamming them for a big mac a day for a month.  Mom had my six-year-old sister pull her away to show she wasn’t dangerous and tired her best not to laugh but kind of failed.

Mazel ended up living to be 19 and a half, and except for some minor arthritis, remarkably hale until the day she passed away in her hole in the back yard while taking a nap.  I maintain that Death had to wait until she was sleeping to get a crack at her, or she would’ve taken his scythe for a chew toy.

Mac Watching The Stripper: A Background Event

shit i learned working for mcdonalds

-everyone over the age of fifty is definitely out for meticulously-ordered-do-not-get-this-even-slightly-wrong-or-i-will-sue-blood

-the security cameras are not aimed at the fry holder so as long as the assistant manager isn’t a complete ass, go wild

-you can sneak any drink you want as long as you put it in a coffee cup

-sweet tea is probably just as bad for you as a coca cola. for real. we put a literal entire bag of sugar in that shit. 

-a mcflurry is literally just ice cream plus some toppings mixed up with a spoon. just order a sundae and ask for oreo crumbs on it

-unless its dinner rush and we are shit out of fries and there are seven orders waiting, no fries have been basting in the fry holder for longer than ten minutes. they’re all fresh, i swear.

-you’re not slick if you order fries with no salt just to ensure ‘freshness’. just straight up say you want fresh fries. its okay.

-you can add big mac sauce to anything if you ask for it.

-if youre getting a drink and you don’t want to have 25% drink and 75% ice, make sure you ask for no/light ice.

-if youre gonna order off the mcpick two menu, tell your cashier you want a mcpick two. if you don’t there’s a 50% chance they will not do it and you’ll pay an extra few dollars.

-also mcpick two is probably the best deal you’re going to get tbh. you can get the same shit as a meal for less. (ex: if you get a mcpick 2 big mac and large fry + a drink, it’ll ring you up for less than if you got a large big mac meal which includes the same stuff)

-also while we’re on the topic of saving cash: always order to-go. always. there’s an eat-in tax if you say your food’s “for here” that can range from a few cents to a few dollars depending on what you’re ordering. 

-all day breakfast is fresher than if you order breakfast at the right time because it’s not a ‘default’ menu option so we have to refry eggs and sausage.

-if you order hash browns after breakfast you’re going to have to wait up to three minutes.

-employees who have been at mcdonalds for a long time have black hats. anyone with a brightly colored blue hat is a newer employee who probably doesn’t have their shit together quite yet. please refrain from yelling at them.

-if it’s not busy and you realllllyyyy want to, you can order whatever specific toy you want and make someone go into the back for it. doesn’t guarantee that it’s there, but it might be. 

-if you order hot coffee, it’s been brewed within the last two hours. don’t worry. it’s not going to go cold. 

gorillaz at mcdonalds

murdoc - large fries, 10 piece mcnuggets, 5 big macs and a laaaaaarge coke. you get the deal also his big macs have extra pickles sorry 

2D - always gets happy meals bc he loves the toys and apple slices what a dear. 4 piece nuggets and small fries, no burger bc McD’s burgers upset his tum :( btw oreo mcflurries are his all time fave 

Noodle - a mcchicken and medium fries. an occasional mccafe (a regular black coffee bc she enjoys the taste of death) mcflurries are also her fav, her and 2D are flurry buddies

Russel - small fries and diet soda bc hes counting his carbs. healthy happy boi also bc he doesn’t trust the fast food industry and their genetically modified food

BONUS

- if they go to one with a playground 2D will play in it he doesnt give a fuck if he’s 6′2 and almost 40

- once he got stuck in the tube slide and a fire fighter had to butter him out

- noodle has a truck load of giftcards

- “murdoc look i got a pinkie pi-” *murdoc shoves fries in 2D’s mouth*

- “i want it super sized” “sir the super size option was removed in 2004″ “idgaf i miss the old McD’s fuck u and ur motha”

- 2D once filled a water cup with soda and he drank it all and he felt so guilty that he ran to the cashier in tears screaming “I DID IT IT WAS ME IM A CRIMINAL IM SO SORRY PLS DONT TAKE ME TO JAIL”

songs I've been listening to a lot lately old and new

good songs I’ve been listening to :
get away - yuck
thinking about you - the big scary
chamber of reflection - Mac demarco
dissolve me - alt j
cobwebs- animal collective
street flash - animal collective
the purple bottle - animal collective
raspberry cane - youth lagoon
mute - youth lagoon
everything is happening so fast - mgmt
tiny dancer ( never gets old ) - Elton John
band on the run - Paul McCartney and wings
advanced falconry - mutual benefit
I just wanna die - FIDLAR
unfucktheworld- angel Olsen
post production - over the Atlantic
walkabout - atlas sound
oh Louie - Shannon and the clams
beetles - warpaint
liar - built to spill
Crimson and clover - tommy James and the shondells
I think it’s beautiful that you are 256 colors too - black moth super rainbow
skeleton key - Margot and the nuclear so sos
float forever - peace
jump into the fog - the wombats
what’s a girl to do - bat for lashes
last night at the jetty - panda bear
how can you really - foxygen
anemone - their satanic majesties second request
heartbreaker - girls
all die young - smith westerns
horse race - colormusic
the city in the sea - crystal stilts
Nancy from now on - father john misty
nightmare of you - I want to be buried in your backyard
tell me ( what’s on your mind ) - Allah-las
Bisou magique- melodys echo chamber
the sun was high - best coast
the hours - beach house
other people - beach house
sad girl - lana del rey
you and me - disclosure
she’s a rainbow - the Rolling Stones
im gonna crawl - led zep
punching in a dream - the naked and famous
Simeon’s dilemma - why
election - don dilego
never known love - thieves like us
bad kids- black lips
Billie holiday - warpaint
snow days - real estate
stop crying your eyes out - oasis
Caesar - Ty segall
one million lovers - the growlers
golden age - beach fossils
sleeping lessons - the shins
curse of curves - cute is what we aim for
ice hotels - dinosaur bones
daughters and empty space - the story so far
song for zula - phosphorescent
and many many many more

2

* _______ *

@jarekai AND GOOSE BACK AT IT AGAIN for the incredibly sweet and wonderful and creative @djlegz this time!!!! Mac’s been a fixture in the WS RP scene since I joined up, and has been nothing but sweet and wonderful and welcoming (and patient, as is required with me and my loooooooooooong emote-writing times ROFL). We all love you lots and lots !!!!! ;;; _____ ;;; <33333333333333333333333333333 THANK U FOR BEIN U

Much thanks again to @jarekai for putting up with sheets upon sheets of thumbnails and wips and for being the founder of the feast <33333333

top 5 locations for evgeni malkin to kick my ass

5. st. basil’s cathedral- moscow, russia. reason: he will be on his home turf in russia and is much less likely to face criminal charges for kicking my ass.

4. his home -pittsburgh, pennsylvania. reason: i know that bitch has a pool he could drown me in. also could use jeffrey to drag my lifeless body somewhere to hide.

3. any local mcdonald’s- pittsburgh, pennsylvania. reason: it is very likely i will not be the only one getting my ass beat at the mcdonald’s so it will be inconspicuous. also he can get a big mac and a vanilla milkshake when he’s done.

2. ppg paints arena - pittsburgh, pennsylvania. reason: he likely knows many hidden places and closets to hide my unconscious body until i wake up from the ass-kicking-induced coma.

1. sidney crosby’s childhood home - cole harbour, nova scotia. reason: could stuff me in that fucking dryer and have sidney take slapshot practice.

Shout out to skinny girls who have to be told their size is “zero”.

Shout out to skinny girls who don’t like eating out with friends because they’ll always make a comment about you not eating enough.

Shout out to skinny girls who get forced into eating more than their stomach allows because “we need to get some fat on you.”

Shout out to skinny girls who are sick and tired of the “you’re gonna blow away!” jokes every windy day.

Shout out to skinny girls who have to deal with the shame of a nurse getting the child-size of everything.

Shout out to skinny girls who get told “you’re so lucky, you don’t have any shame.”

Shout out to skinny girls who can’t order salads when they eat out without the fear of being judged.

Shout out to skinny girls who ask for healthy food options cause they like the taste better and they get dirty looks or “you don’t need to do that” comments.

Shout out to skinny girls who get told “you can’t eat all that” when they order a Big Mac at McDonalds.

Shout out to skinny girls who are teased about being bulimic or anorexic and/or who are accused of starving themselves when they eat just as much as everyone else and their doctors say they’re fine.

Shout out to skinny girls who are shamed by this website and everywhere else into silence because they “don’t know what it’s like to be judged by your weight.”

Shout out to skinny girls.

You can’t control your weight and you should not feel like a terrible person simply for being skinny. You have just as much right to be proud of yourself and to find yourself beautiful as everyone else.

“Hi! I’m Honey! I wanted to join the fun so mommy helped me make a blog too! Now you can see me with my family an’ friends all the time! Would any of y’all care for an apple?”

-

Y’know, when I get around to posting… Hey! Joining the @scisetdaily universe with Cadence, Big Mac and everyone’s favorite little lady Honeycrisp Blossom! Mostly her, actually. And following the other pregnancy happening at the same time as the one you all actually care about!

anonymous asked:

What did you think of the liveshow as a whole? I liked it, it felt much more casual as he was sat on the bed on his phone instead of the big Mac, if you get what I'm saying?

i liked it a lot.. you’re right that the bed angle made it more casual and chill. and dan was more pleasant than he’s been in like anything he’s done over the last month in my opinion. today was one of the lowest mental health days i’ve had in maybe a year, and i was so afraid to watch him to be honest bc he has been a bit off-putting lately. but i actually felt a little better by the end of the live show? i actually laughed out loud? dan almost never lifts my mood. he makes me think a lot, he gives me some fond frustration, but he rarely makes me viscerally happier, but i did feel happier after watching him today and that seems special. it makes me wonder what has happened in the last week that has turned his mood around so drastically? but i think we can only speculate at an answer. i’m just glad he seems to be doing a little bit better than he’s been.