gets a mom lalonde


so me and idestroyfeels came up with this really cool kidswap au where everyone is happy (except rose, at least until the end)

dad egbert gets dave, grandpa harley gets john, bro strider gets rose and mom lalonde gets jade

let me now explain to you in great detail why this is an amazing idea

  • dave grows up in a home with a loving father, who may be strange in his weird adult sort of way but just wants his son to be happy (and also manly but mostly happy). at age 4 dave draws his first picture of sweet bro and hella jeff. he is complimented on it by dad and told that if he keeps working, he’ll be great at it. dave keeps honing his art skills instead of focusing on keeping them shitty like in canon. fast forward to age 10, dave’s art is fucking amazing. he wants to go to art school.
  • john grows up on the road, with a grandparent who is always taking him on adventures instead of keeping him in a boring house. grandpa teaches john everything he knows. grandpa doesn’t die because john is more interested in hammers than guns, although he still heeds his grandpa’s advice to never leave home without a rifle. there’s also bec, who watches the island while they’re gone. it’s a very exciting life.
  • jade grows up with mom, and somehow railroads her into not being a shitty parent by not playing along with her passive-aggressive antics and instead connecting with her mom over her work in the science field. she’s the smartest kid in class, nay, the entire school. mom is very proud of her. she keeps telling her maybe one day she can work for skaianet. jade is always happy to hear that. it’s what she wants to do with her life. she ends up enrolling in middle school a year earlier.
  • rose grows up being abused by bro just like dave was in canon, and she endures it. very, very much endures. she hates her brother, and she hates his stupid puppets. but she plays along with his games because it’s the only way she can survive. she learns to fight from copying her bro and filling the gaps in with stuff from the internet. it’s going to be a long battle to the top.
  • fast forward to age 15. dave’s art is only getting better, he wants to become a cartoonist. his dad keeps going on blind dates and failing, so dave and jade set their parents up together. it works out very well. john and grandpa are now an established team of adventurers, and even though grandpa is “not as young as he used to be” and tends to lag behind, john is full of spirit and makes up for what his grandpa lacks in all areas. they’re practically unstoppable.
  • rose’s life is difficult as fuck. as she ages, physical confrontation with her brother becomes a more frequent and less avoidable occurence. bro’s unbreakable katana keeps burning through rose’s pile of very much breakable katanas she stole from him. she’s really good at swordfighting, and is well aware katanas are useless for it. she buys an “unbreakable rapier” from ebay. yes. finally a chance at defeating her stupid brother.
  • age 18. dave is off to art college, jade to science college. their parents are now married, and happy that they can be together even when their kids are leaving them alone. john keeps on exploring new areas, while his grandpa keeps skipping out on adventures and making excuses, so john has to man expeditions all by himself.
  • rose only keeps getting better. and closer to beating her brother in a fight. they’re evenly matched, she could win if it weren’t for that stupid puppet from hell. so one day, she gets rid of cal. just destroys him. slashes him into teeny tiny pieces. that evening, she finally defeats bro in battle. she now has his respect. she asks him to seek help. he does seek help. things seem to be looking up. but the past is there, and it’s very haunting. rose buys a bike online, packs up her rapier and one night just escapes. she enters a fencing competition somewhere, wins, and uses the prize money to buy herself a small apartment. she wants to pursue something she’s wanted to do her whole life but never really found the time to. she wants to be a writer.
  • age 25. dave and jade are out of college. their skills are very well known in high places. dave gets a job at disney as a cartoonist, jade gets a great position in skaianet. john’s grandpa has passed away, so he’s now completely taken up the mantle of billionaire adventurer explorer badass. after every adventure he hits up dave and tells him everything. dave is inspired to create an animated feature about john. he pitches “the greatest adventure of jake english” to the disney higher-ups. they like the idea and dave and his crew get to working.
  • rose isn’t doing so swell. her prize money is running out fast, her walls are covered in rough draft and she just can’t seem to get her book right no matter how hard she tries. and she knows if she can’t get more money soon, her life might actually be over. in a particularly low point in her life, she gets a call from dave. he offers her a writer position in his crew. he knows she’s a writer, he knows how good she is, he knows she needs the money. she puts down her rapier. she takes the job.
  • two years pass. the greatest adventure of jake english is a total success. dave and rose are rolling in profit. john keeps supplying stories, so they decide to make a cartoon series as a follow-up to the movie, in great disney tradition. jade is now the ceo of skaianet, and the company makes cutting-edge technology under her direction. everyone is doing what they love. everyone is happy.
  • no sburb because i do what i want

I’m going to start at the end because ONE YEAR OF HOMESTUCK! That actually did surprise me because I totally haven’t been paying attention to the dates in the archive lately. Well, one down, seven to go.

My biggest takeaway from this is that Jack’s ascension can’t be good. I doubt that he has the desire or the need to play by the same rules as the Black Queen, and that makes him much more dangerous than she was. And since Jade’s gift allowed him to “Ascend” this could be The Big Fuck Up that Cancer alluded to on the last page.

Also, I think I’ve pieced together something from before I started reading Homestuck: Jade’s Kernelsprite is going to prototype with Becquerel. Way back before I started blogging, one of the characters I remember seeing was a black wolf person with one arm and a sword. I mentioned it on day one of Minda Reads Homestuck. Now that Jack Noir has stolen the queen’s power, he greatly resembles that character. The one design element he’s missing is the wolfish face. So Jade prototypes Becquerel, Jack gets a new look, and voila! A character I saw fan art of with no context suddenly makes sense!

Other little things from the flash:

  • I really like that shot of the Skaia and the three Lands at the beginning of the flash.
  • I think that little Midnight Crew jingle was the first time there have been lyrics in the Homestuck soundtrack.
  • It seems Rose’s mind is hung up on her cat, judging by the many “Meows” written on her wall. I noticed that the word “Meow” briefly flashed to DNA code at one point. Maybe Jaspers gave Rose some information on ectobiology and she’s repressed it? Or wasn’t able to understand it until now?
  • It’s nice to see the parental figures continuing the fight. Come to think of it, that’s the first time we’ve seen Rose’s mom since she entered the Medium. But seriously though, how did Bro get there? Mom Lalonde and and Dad Egbert were in their homes when they entered the medium, but Dave’s bro fucked off before Dave even installed the game.
  • “You’re not going to win this one, Jack” Haha, can’t be right all the time.

Rose’s mom deduces Rose is gay, but doesn’t want to take coming out from her, and says nothing. To help Rose cope with some of the difficult feelings that come with realizing you’re not straight, she pulls out a lot of the media that helped her come to terms with being bi.

Rose is smart enough to realize the sudden appearance of Buffy and Xena DVDs by the TV, and the lgbt genre books in the study must mean her mother knows, and once again misinterprets the behavior to something akin to trivialization.

How does she know, Rose wonders, as she opens up her laptop to the lounging eldritch woman that is her desktop, and looks up from her computer as the gruff tones of the man on the television screen are replaced by the leading actress’ voice.  

it’s day 2, which was also done more than a fuckign month ago but WHO CARES it’s Mom Lalonde, fave guardian

bro’s design is cool but he’s a dick, and john’s dad is also cool but. Rose’s mom? hello

jade’s grandpa wasnt even in the running sorry

Mmm…. I think Jack’s getting off a bit too easy.

He killed Dad Egbert, Mom Lalonde, Bro Strider, the Prospit royalty, AR, nearly killed WV, killed most of the troll’s dreamselves, and a bunch of other stuff.

And after all that when he’s finally bested in battle he gets punched instead of killed and then gets help from Ms. Paint?

This isn’t Slick, this is Bec Noir.

What exactly has he done to be forgiven?