There’s a paralysing fear of creating rooted inside of me. A fear that makes me sit in front of my computer without moving for an hour, keeps me up at night, like a noose around my neck, but in the end creates nothing. It’s been hiding behind a façade of perfectionism when it is just cowardice. “If you never pick it up, you’ll never fail it.” It’s crap.
I want to stop being a coward. But right now I am still a bit scared.
Has anyone made an AU where Hiro and Tadashi wanted to run in to save Calla-lalala (can’t spell his name right ever) and Tadashi tries to make Hiro stay but he wants to help and Hiro gets into the building first because Tadashi trips on the steps and then BOOM!!!!! Hiro’s dead, Tadashi lives. He’s handed Hiro’s burned jacket after the body’s are recovered. Tadashi sits in his part of the room and keeps the room divider closed so he never has to see the ghost of his little brother sitting at his computer table sending invites to go to more bot fights. He has Hiro’s jacket folded under his pillow to keep it safe, and then when he goes to bed, he dresses a pillow in it and hugs it as he cries himself to sleep.
And Tadashi checks his GPS tracker to see where Hiro is but it always say’s he’s home.
He stops attending classes. He avoids his friends and family. He stops working on new inventions for a while. Then he starts using Hiro’s bot to go to bot fights to relieve his pain a little. The drive to make sure that Hiro’s bot doesn’t get damaged is what makes him more brutal during battles and he becomes a bot fighting king.
“On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?” “Hiro…….”
This is so stupid and self-indulgent. But here we are. More Found Cat, which I’ll probably update again tonight. I need to chill, but I won’t.
Poe waved a hand, mouth full. “Well,” he said, once he’d swallowed. “Do you want to date men, or women? How into that whole thing did they get when they were explaining that stuff to you in your How To Normal class?”
Finn rolled his eyes. “Oh my God,” he said, “I kept having to remind them that the First Order weren’t Christian fundamentalists so I wasn’t going to be automatically allergic to the concept of gayness. Like, I came out with some pretty fucked-up stuff, but I’d never heard of the idea of Hell, much less the concept that maybe two dicks touching would cast both dick-wielders plus everyone within a particular blast radius who failed to disapprove of them enough instantly into this mythical land of the air being on fire, forever.”
Poe laughed so hard he had to press his paper towel over his face while he vibrated soundlessly. Finally he recovered enough composure to say, “dick-wielders,” in a tone of voice that was nearly a squeak.
“I don’t know,” Finn said, “that’s all I’ve picked up of it. I haven’t devoted a great deal of study to the beliefs of other cults, you know? I feel like I don’t need to become a generalist on this, my specific experience is plenty.”
Poe nodded, wheezing with laughter. “So,” he said finally, wiping his eyes, “you’re all right in principle with the concept of dicks touching one another.”
“I’m all right in practice,” Finn said, and then sighed. “I mean. In theory of practicing. Had I any offers, I’d be all right in practice.”
Poe shook his head a little. “I don’t know why,” he said, “I just assumed you were straight.”