get those hot buns in here

Took You Under Our Wing


A/N:
A Mercy/Pharah + Mercy/D.VA commission, for an anonymous patron. Not explicit, not too suggestive. Just good old fashioned fluff.




The world spun when she stood. So Hana laid down on her bed, staring at the rivets in the ceiling. Occasionally she glanced to the digital clock on her bedside table, the broken red lines blurring into numbers that didn’t make any sense.

She always had trouble sleeping. When she was younger her parents blamed it on video games. It was true that staring at bright screens all night didn’t help… but she could never explain it away without sounding like she was making excuses. Fast forward a few years and some misdiagnoses later: her new friend Angela set her up with another doctor who might be able to help. Lo and behold, she had insomnia. But like, she really had it. It was official now. A doctor said it.

Like, she’d been saying as much for years now, and if someone had listened to her sooner they would have known that, but it was honestly whatever.

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Jaspidot: Flirting

This is dialogue only, and contains Jasper using incredibly shitty pickup lines, so warning for that!


“Is there a magnet in your pants?”

“What? Jasper, I don’t understand. Why did you just ask me such an asinine question?”

“Cause I’m attracted to your buns of steel.”

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Maltesers! (aka Dan Howell's Porn Post)

For baingani 

LISTEN UP AND SIT YOUR ASSBUTT DOWN
I’m going to tell you about
MALTESERS

These bitches are the most goddamn flavoursome mini chocolate melt-on-your-tongue malty treats you will ever eat
Above we observe traditional Maltesers

But they also come in a paler variety
50 shades of grey more like 50 shades of variously coloured delicious chocolate coating

They come in different sizes
Usually the bigger the better
“Share bag”? Yeah right. You eat all of these suckers to yourself.
Sharing is a sign of weakness, sucker.

You get these boxes choc full of them from your Nan at Christmas

Maltesers chocolate bars are a hunky chunk of pure heaven
forget about those divides between your man’s six pack
the only lines separating firm squares you will care about from now on are the lines on these babies

There’s even seasonal variations
like these lil buns for Easter with a bonus appropriate pun

And if you’re super lucky you will get a whole freakin maltesers easter egg with corresponding brand-name chocolate packets

Maltesers hot chocolate! this stuff is a malty frothy mix that gets foam all over your face
Only weaklings add only water, The more milk, the creamier it is

This lil pot here contains a thick malteser flavoured milk shake
you put the maltesers in it, stick the lid back on and follow the instructions
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE ‘N’ SNACK

YOU CAN BUY THESE THINGS BY THE BUCKET

Mixed flavour buckets - wow

This tube is at least half a metre long and it is filled with little chocolatey balls
Another christmas staple

MCTEASERS

DID SOMEBODY SAY 25 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS BECAUSE THIS IS WHEN THESE BABIES COME OUT TO PLAY

MERRY FReAKIN CHRISTMAS EAT A SOFT FREAKIN RUDOLPH
His insides taste divine

If you go to any tea shop in England, there will be slices of this for sale
WELCOME TO HEAVEN ONCE YOU HAVE TRIED SOME MALTESER TRAY BAKE ALL OTHER CAKES ARE RENDERED WEAK


MALFREaKInTEasERS

GOD BLESS BRITAIN