get the shrek out

I was in a theater watching the first Shrek movie. It started out with Shrek in his outhouse, of course, but this time he didn’t get out of there because he was constipated. The scene switched to Donkey, getting sold along with the other fairy tale creatures because Shrek was still in the outhouse, so Shrek didn’t save him. The scene switched back to Shrek finally getting out, but instead of All Star playing, Never Gonna Give You Up started. Shrek walked into his house, ate dinner, and fell asleep on his recliner. He woke up in the middle of the night and saw all of the characters surrounding his house. Shrek pulled out a gun and started shooting the fairy tale creatures, and they all ran for their lives except for Donkey. Shrek had one bullet left and was about to shoot Donkey, but then Donkey said, “Hey, don’t shoot! I can do something for you! I can help you find onions!” So Shrek and Donkey went on a magical adventure to find onions.

Shrek

I watched all of the shrek movies recently. Memes are fucking immature so this is going to be kind of an uninfluenced review. I dont feel like the tim and eric or what have you style comedy where you pretend to like shrek a whole lot got into me when we were doing this as its a little dated. I decided to take the films at face value. What are they worth?

Shrek 1 - Shrek was written and created by some people who work on movies over at Dream works. Its still pretty good. The graphical quality holds up. Shrek doesnt appear in the movie but eddie murphy does make up well for the eerie silence brought about by the vanishment of each other cast member. Its so good that Will smith remembered every line of it in that other movie.

(Five tiny scream guys out of five) 

Shrek 2 - This one is still good but the DVD went to autoplay when I was microwaving popcorn and my gf made me make it go back to the root menu and the popcorn caught fire and we nearly died. The premise shows wear but the wit is still alive. The last great shrek story as simon cowell viciously tore Shrek to pieces with his fangs at the end. PS: The dvd (issued 2005) of this i have said on the back it was the “highest rated animation of all time”. Which isnt true because it gets one less tiny scream guy than the first one.

Shrek 3 - They made a whole movie but forgot to put any jokes in it. Eric idle is in it becuase john cleeses character died. Do u think they passed in the dreamworks corridor and looked awkwardly at one another? If the best your movie has to offer is referencing monty python and the holy grail then you have to do better because in the first place that movie isnt actually that funny. I loved it when i was 10 but the only jokes i can remember now are the knights of the round table song and the killer rabbit. Its better than this though.

Shrek 4 - what the hell. ok id seen the first three before in the past but this one was totally new. Reality gets erased and Shrek is unborn. A world of warcraft race struggle plays out on the screen. For some reason the graphics are worse. The acting is also worse. Everything is worse and yet i also kind of loved the mayhem of the writers deciding to create an alternate timeline where shreks insidious legacy is erased and where a cool battle happens instead. I dont know who in the office they got to voice the little man but it was scary.

Puss in boots - No this isnt a joke. This is a real movie that was in theaters. No one watched it until I did so this is actually the first review! A bunch of good animators were forced to waste their time making a movie based off a script generated by a neural network. This whole thing is a mess. In the first thirty minutes the only joke is puss in boots says “leche” instead of milk. The next hour will reveal that in every moment of puss in boots’ life he is being watched in the corner by an egg person, like a bad slenderman arg. The dartboard they use to pick fairy tale characters to be the villain must have broke halfway thru because who the hell is “kitty soft paws”? This movie genuinely may be an industry test to see if the audience will be satisfied with anything they put on the screen and I kind of love how callous it is. Its about a cat fighting an egg.

Shrek: An Icon

Originally posted by crankygoose

Request:  Hi! I was wondering if you could do a fic about Ethan and the reader? Thank you!

Summary: Fem!Reader and boyfriend Ethan are chillin’ watching Shrek when disagreements occur about the iconic movie.

A/N: Henlo, this took me forever because I may or may not have decided to binge watch the shrek movies while writing this oops sorry not sorry. Gif is supposed to be Ethan’s face when he and reader and Mark all disagree hahaha. Thanks for the request! This was fun to write!

Wordcount: 521, good size, full of meme references

Warnings: I swore once and I also talk about a lot of controversial issues; for example, what the most iconic line in shrek is. Read at your own risk.

Please request some more! This is my last request and now my inbox is empty so pls,,,,,, I beg you,, r e q u e s t s o m e t h i n g

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