get the f off my lawn

Uncle's patient dog poo vengeance.

This is a story about my uncle’s vengeance. My uncle is chill and friendly, but he once had the misfortune of living next to an awful neighbor. The guy actually didn’t have a ton of bad habits, but he did exactly what he wanted to do and he didn’t care who it affected. And one of the things he wanted to do was take his big dog on a daily morning walk and let the dog do his doggy business on my uncle’s lawn.

The first time my uncle caught him, he calmly confronted him and politely requested that the neighbor stop using his lawn as a dog toilet. The neighbor calmly told my uncle to get f*cked: he didn’t care what my uncle thought, there was nothing my uncle could do about it, and nothing would change.

This being 1970s southern California, my uncle couldn’t record the neighbor and shame him online or report him to the police for some litter violation, and although he is a cool uncle, he was in no way physically intimidating enough to get this guy to back down. Every day for a week he went outside to confront the shitty neighbor and his shitting dog, and every day he got the exact same answer: f*ck off, I don’t care, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

On the eight morning, my uncle stayed inside, watching as the neighbor yet again allowed his dog to leave a fudgy dump on his lawn. Then, after the neighbor and his dog had continued on their walk, my uncle grabbed a shovel and went outside. He scooped up the dog shit and, with masterful accuracy, flung it onto the roof of the neighbor’s house. As mentioned before, this being 1970s California, the neighbor’s roof (like all of the houses in that area) had a very shallow slope, and once he saw that the poop didn’t roll off, my uncle headed back inside.

He repeated the exact same procedure every morning… for the next eight months.

Not once did the neighbor notice the steadily growing pile of dog shit on his roof, baking and dehydrating in the California sun. Not once did he smell anything off, nor did he find it suspicious that my uncle still greeted him in a friendly manner after having his lawn used as a dog loo every single morning.

Finally, after eight months, the hot and sunny weather gave way to a massive rainstorm. Within minutes, the entire crusty layer of dog poop shingles rehydrated and broke free, a reeking mudslide from hell that sloshed down onto the neighbor’s property, splattering his lawn, his house, and his car with literal pounds of dog shit. Over the next few days, the neighbor’s grass succumbed to the poison and died, paint began to flake off his car, and the neighbor himself had to finally clean up after his dog once the sunny weather returned and the remnants of the dog poonami began to dry up while still stubbornly stuck to every stinking corner of his house. Tragically, my uncle didn’t take any pictures of the poo-house (I would have loved to have seen that).

From the day after the rainstorm to the day my uncle moved out of that house, he never spoke to that neighbor again… but the dog poop stopped appearing on his lawn for good.

anonymous asked:

Literary achievement anon, just that people always say that America has no culture, or at the very least not one that is comparable to that of Europe, and therefore we are lagging far behind in the arts. I don't agree with that particularly, but I'm also not an English major and am basing it simply on the fact that we have had some good authors in the past. Also, I think our country does produce very good genre fiction, better than the rest of the world, but that's usually dismissed by purists.

I’m sorry but anyone who says America “has no culture” isn’t a “purist,” they’re either hopelessly ignorant or just an asshole. America has boatloads of culture. It’s home to 319 million people. Our country literally spans the width of an entire damn continent. So of course there’s variation and culture may be harder to fit in a box because it’s not uniform, but that doesn’t equal a lack of culture. In fact, quite the opposite. Arguably the USA has more culture than anywhere else simply because its culture is so myriad. If anyone genuinely believes America is somehow lagging behind in the arts, all I have to say is, okay, tell that to Faulkner. Tell that to Melville. Tell that to Ellison. Tell that to Salinger. Tell that to Andy Warhol. Tell that to Spielberg. Tell that to Steve Jobs. Tell that to Gershwin and Walt Disney and Bob fucking Dylan. Tell it to William Eggleston and Georgia O’Keeffe and Kurt Vonnegut. Tell it to James Brown and Tennessee Williams and Toni Morrison. Tell it to Alan Ginsberg and Nina Simone and Fred Astaire. Tell it to Broadway and Hollywood and the Met and Oregon Shakes and the Academy Awards and George Lucas and Shirley Jackson and F. Scott Fitzgerald and Stranger Things and the publishing industry and the goddamn Wizard of Oz. American culture and art and literature are literally fucking everywhere, and anybody who thinks they can write it off is kidding themselves.

2017 boston marathon recap

friday

Here is what I remember of April 17…the weekend began with friends and hosts Kevin and Mariani taking me out for seafood pasta on Saturday night, then a perfectly cooked sirloin steak dinner out on Sunday night to get set for Monday morning’s marathon.  Slept okay Sunday night, too much going on in the brain to completely relax.

Kevin dropped me off at the Red Line Alewife station early Monday morning, 6 am, to head down to the Commons for the buses to take us to the start at Hopkinton.  Seemed everyone on the train was either running or cheering for the marathon.

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Don't honk at me in my own driveway.

So, to make this easier to visualise off the bat, I made a diagram of my wonky driveway (at the bottom).

My house has a paved lot in front of it because it used to be for parking when the house was the mayor’s house, as well as for when my grandparents ran their businesses out of it. The driveway also goes alongside of the house and opens into another pretty big area - basically, what I’m saying is that I have a lot of driveway. My parents park in the back area in/by the garage, while I park out front in the lot by the street. People like to think that they also may use our driveway to pull over and text a bit, read a map, etc.

No. It’s my driveway, damn it.

The other day, I was poised to pull westward out of my driveway, the way I always go to start my journey to visit my sister who lives about forty miles away. I was checking traffic before I even attempted to pull into the road when someone started pulling into the lot part of my driveway, looking to make a u-turn and go back eastbound down the street. Where they ended up going was right in the way of me seeing oncoming traffic, so we ended up reaching an impasse.

Apparently, me trying to get out of my driveway was taking too long for this person, so they honked at me. It’s annoying enough when people honk at you in the streets for something you can’t help, let alone on your own property. As I was still technically safely within my own driveway and not yet pulled into the road, I simply parked my car on the spot, turned it off, and got out. The other person looked like they were about to get out of their car to confront me, but all I did was walk through my driveway lot, through my lawn, up to my front door, and into my house. You know, leaving my car right in their way.

B*tch had to back the f*ck up into the road and make a U-turn down the street.

Don’t honk at me in my own driveway, damn it.

(diagram)

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Let’s be real.
Aka: So You Think The 14-17 Year Old Girl Paired With An Ageless/Centuries Old Male Trope Is New And Inherently Bad & You Wanna Start a Riot


X - Elisabeth (Musical). Sissi is 15 when she falls in love with the literal personification of Death. As in, old as life itself. You don’t want me to tell you how many fics there are on the German fanfic sites I know. By the way, the real Empress Elisabeth was about 16 when married to 23 year old Franz.

X - Labyrinth. Sarah’s what, 15? David Bo- I mean, Jareth is centuries old when he falls in love with her. Pretty sure 97% of all fanfics for that particular tale involve romance/love, twisted or otherwise. Most all with Sarah aged up. Also read the damn book. Those budding feelings are canon, baby.

X - Repo! Confirmed by Terrance, not confirmed… we all know Graves was a nosy show off who took a shine to that kid, and she followed. Now, Shilo is 17 so that makes the fanfiction a little less creepy. Then again, Graves is still a lot older, and it is Repo!

X. Phantom. Christine is…. Doesn’t really matter, middle-aged Phantom fell in love with her as a child (okay, okay it developed as she aged). Creepy? Well, I don’t think anyone can argue that. But the romance lives on. And on FF, it really lives on. Also in multiple published fan sequels. And various movies.

X. Beetlejuice. Continuing my march on that side of the internet. Lydia, teen. Beetlejuice, centuries. While most fics like to mesh the film with its more relationship-line crossing cartoon counterpart, this pairing can still be all kinds of odd. Again, with this one we mostly adhere to the age-up-the-teen rule.

X. Drop Dead Fred. So your favorite (centuries old) imaginary friend when you’re like, 7, if we’re being generous, kisses you when you’re in your 20s. Also, canon meet fandom.

X. Whistle Down The Wind (Musical). Blame ALW for this one too. Swallow is 15 when the convict (early 30s?) falls for her. It’s tragic. Also he’s kind of Jesus? Idk the lines blur a lot when you take the whole plot into consideration. Also the book and the movie play with who is enamored by who and the ages…. Essentially though, yeah.

X. Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Buffy was what, 16? When she and Angel dated? Angel is what? 200+? Buffy later is with Spike? We’re talking centuries of difference. Again.

X. Legend. Lily wasn’t that old when Tim Cu- I mean Darkness seduces her.

X. Greek Mythology. Yeah Persephone? “Edge of womanhood” back then was around 14-16. Hades? Let’s not count. 

Not to mention Twilight, because though it’s a regret, it did happen. So did most of the YA Fantasy section of your local bookstore.

Face it, for a lot of young women, naive and searching, reading relationships like these…. It makes a safe way to explore their minds/wants/desires/genders/identities, without getting hurt or getting in over their heads. Is it practical to go out and hit on a guy two times your age when you’re 14-17? Heck no. But that’s what fiction is for*
(*even though all fiction has flaws and you still should be selective -cough- Twilight -cough-)

But I’ve never encountered a problem with these narratives before now. Why?

Because in old fairytales, there was usually a young girl and an older male. Danger, trepidation, coming-of-age, first steps into womanhood, sometimes care and love (I’ll spare you my Little Red and Erl King rants. And Valerie’s Week of Wonders. Hello).

So for the love of the goddess, if you wanna ship the damn thing, ship it. Be respectful of their ages / age difference. If it’s comfortable, embrace it. I’m not advocating underage sex (because also sex =/= romance), but build a relationship (just try to downplay the creepy). Make them friends. Make them enemies. Make them learn. Age them up. Age one down. Put a curse on one. Introduce conflict. Put it in an AU. Make them queer. Make them not. I don’t really care.

Percival and Credence is romanticizing literal abuse, do not pass go. 
Scar trying to get Nala in the musical is creepy. Esmeralda and Frollo also creep me the F#$% out. While Moana and Maui, really don’t.

So quit putting negative rants in the Maui, and Moana, tags (ha, hypocrisy). You’re welcome.

2

My markers failed me but anyways I can’t stop so here’s another AU where Korl is a Spider and Olivia is a Ladybug LMAO.

Karl’s just pissed at all the freaking insects WHO KEEPS GETTING TANGLED IN HIS SPIDER WEB!! They scream and cry for him not to eat them while he just… rolls his eyes: “ jfc I am not going to eat you CANT YOU READ THE SIGN ?JUST GET OFF MY LAWN”
lmao he needs a break.

Ladybug Liv!! OFC SHE LIKES THE BARA VEGAN SPIDER.
she’ll prob hear the other insects talk about him and she spies on him time to time, wears her cutest lingerie and gets herself tangled in his web lm f a o. 👀 he’s most likely gonna change his “Ugh not again” to “H-hello there.. ar e youok?plsbecareful nexttimeok”
I’ll never get tired of seeing them chase each other in every goddamn AU. 👌

“But when [Dig] comes back to the team, it’s a whole other team. He’s got this other element to deal with, which is these punk kids that are coming in there to take his spot. He’s not going to be on board with that.”

 - Wendy Mericle

Yo, I am SO HERE for old man Diggle being all “Who the f*ck are these mofo fetuses with their punk moves and their loud music. Get off my lawn!!”