get me to bed!

indiepunkloser  asked:

I think i'm asking a little early, I forgot the date but I just wanted to know if your surgery went well? I figure you'll make a post about it but I just wanted to know if you're doing okay. Anyways if this is pre-op good luck and if it's post op I hope things went well. much love I hope you get back to full health soon!!!

Tomorrow will be a week exactly since I went into surgery. The surgery finished almost an hour early, roughly 4 hours total. I lost almost a litre of blood but I didn’t need any blood transfusions, thank God. The tumor was also bigger than I thought it was, a bit bigger than my actual kidney. 

The first day was very rough; they tried to make me walk and I blacked out and threw up. The second day I was unable to urinate on my own for 6+ hours so I was stuck on a catheter for 2 days. Luckily by Sunday I was able to go on my own. They allowed me to go home on Sunday afternoon, but after removing my drainage tube from my side I got a fever that night of 101.5 degrees and couldn’t move/breathe well. There was fluid in my lungs too, but I think I fended off pneumonia for the most part by practicing the spiromiter thing. I was told to call the hospital if I had a fever or anything but I chose to sleep and drink water instead. My fever went away a couple days ago.

I can’t sleep long hours and still am in constant pain. My parents bought me a walker to walk to the bathroom when I need to, and I went to the hospital today to see my surgeon. He is giving me more pain meds and muscle relaxers to help me sleep at night. Luckily he told me the tumor was tested and wasn’t cancerous, though since I’m so young there’s a chance I’ll develop one on my liver or my kidney again in my lifetime. For now I’m not going to worry about it.

Thank you guys for all the prayers and kind thoughts. They helped a lot while I was in the hospital, and still help as I’m continuing to recover. Hopefully in a week I can move and get up by myself. For now I’m playing it by ear.

if you’re stressed about your grades/future: “you are young and you will take your damn time.”

A few days ago I had an emotional breakdown about my future (surprise lol.) It’s not as though this doesn’t happen daily, but it’s dawned on me that I couldn’t even discern my true desires from what my lack of self confidence was trying to feed me.

I allowed self-deprecation to get the best of me, and it turned an erroneous decision into one that seemed the most “right for my situation.” I had a plan. But I was not confident nor happy with that plan, so I fell apart. 

Parked in front of my dad’s house, I voiced the concern that–although I thought was a result of flakiness–actually stemmed from an acute source of insecurity. 

My dad then turned around and told me something that I’m positive will stay with me forever. 

“Don’t you dare feel like you have limited options based on your past mistakes. You are not limited and you will never BE limited. Don’t rule any opportunity out right now. You’re not running out of options, you just haven’t found all of them yet. You have so much power left.

I asked him what power a teen/young adult could have, and he looked at me with so much conviction and said, “Youth. You have youth, and youth itself holds so much power. You’re only 17. I wish I were 17. I wish I had that much more left in me, but I don’t. You are 17, you are young, and you will take your damn time.” 

I initially interpreted this as a projection of his own regret. But now, I interpret it as empowerment. I think about it whenever I feel completely overwhelmed by all that I have left to do. Why should I consider quitting now? I’m only 17. Many of you are also of high school, college, or graduate school age, and we have such a long way to go. We’re only so young, and compared to our parents–people who have so many decades of experience under their belt–we don’t know the half of what life has to offer us. And that’s ok, because we have so much left to experience. 

In college, I want to explore different courses. I want to find something that’s right for me, but in order to do so, I need breadth of experience rooted in thoughtful discussion and exposure to a range of things. Although I love art, I want to obtain a liberal arts education as well. And finally having said this, I realized that whatever I thought was “right” was only only a thinly veiled attempt to evade my insecurities.

Records don’t matter. Grades are trifling in the grand scheme of things. My future job is only a portion of what will comprise the best days of my life. Bad teachers, vague assignments, tough environments–I can trudge through the difficulties and I will prosper, because that’s what I can do as someone with youth on my side. This isn’t to say that someone who is older doesn’t have the same privilege. My dad wants to continue to program, and all the more power to him!

But that only exemplifies how much time we have as people who are so young. We have a leg up, and I’m certain that we need to utilize the extra time, stamina, opportunity, and youth that we have to make decisions based on our own situations–not on what other people expect of us, and certainly not according to what our stress and anxiety wants us to believe. 

(The last bit is incredibly difficult, I know. But it’s a process!) 

This isn’t to say that I’m not going to worry and stress. I will! Hell, I’m stressed right now just writing this. But I’m improving. 

Ironically, this studyblr doesn’t thrive in standardized education. This studyblr struggles not with content, but with structure. This studyblr is really nervous about the coming year. But even then, I still have so many choices that it’d be insulting of me to become my only limitation. Obstacles are not impenetrable–not when I have so much power on my side. 

The white road

I am 24 when my doctor tells me that I was abused. She doesn’t tell me what happened to me, or plant any memories that weren’t already there. She takes what I have told her and she puts it all inside those six letters, that one word.

Before she takes my memories and gives me that word, I tell her that I have made the appointment because I want to know why I can’t stand being touched. I tell her that I’m 24 and I’m sick of flinching when shop assistants hand me my change, just in case their fingers brush against my palm and there is that fire again, the one that rushes up from my bone to the membrane of my skin any time it comes into contact that I wasn’t expecting. I tell her that I have been trying to do this properly, from dating to everything else, and it’s like I’m blocked. It’s like I’m missing a piece of myself that makes me an adult, or perhaps even a human, and I don’t know where it’s gone.

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i wish i could do things right and i wish i had motivation to get up

anonymous asked:

Everyone's family comes to visit for parents' weekend. Including Dex's and Nursey's. But Dex's is late and so after their game a little boy comes running up to Dex, but instead of yelling Billy like the team expects, he yells daddy. Let the team see soft Dex interacting with his son. Let Dex see how amazing Nursey is with kids. Let Nursey lose his chill over adorable baby Dex. Let Bitty bake with this baby! And let Dex see how truly supportive and amazing Nursey is. & backstory for baby plz

i love love love love love this prompt.  Its mostly a bullet point fic, but its pretty long…

Thanks for the prompt! Enjoy! :-) xxxx

*****

* Dex leaves the Haus early every night.  Usually a few hours earlier than anyone else.  On roadies he heads up to his room at 7 o’clock sometimes, or goes for a walk.

- The team don’t want to pry, but were confused, concerned, and a little nosy.  They have found out he’s on the phone to someone he’s close to, because they’ve overheard him saying “love you lots” a few times.

- So they figure he’s probably talking to a girlfriend.

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the happiest kiss & cry