get laid free

texts from last night! meme

[text] Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?

[text] The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here

[text] He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.

[text] I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW

[text] So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one’s for Team USA.

[text] He gave me the “find somebody who wants to date you for who you are” speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.

[text] I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese

[text] I just got high off one hit and then Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refrigerator and researching ways to replace it

[text] Seriously. I’m like, “Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you’re so fucking intelligent I’m turned on?”

[text] Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?

[text] He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I’m keeping him.

[text] I’m making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.

[text] It’s a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.

[text] Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever.

[text] Lesson learned. Don’t roleplay with a real knife.

[text] We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman’s birthday party for the food. Whoops.

[text] He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.

[text] I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I’d say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.

[text] I’m wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.

[text] He’s like… An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It’s almost unsettling

[text] I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I’ve found the One.

[text] Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while… if you happen to find your balls then join us

[text] i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…

[text] and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba”

[text] so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

[text] Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

[text] Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me

[text] We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sounds logical. Thank you daylight savings.

[text] when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was “chug-a-lug”

[text] There’s a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.

[text] Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine

[text] My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.

[text] He told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him

[text] Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten

[text] Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

[text] He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.

[text] we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I’ve ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

[text] I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man’s heart.

[text] When was the last time you wore pants?

[text] I’ve replaced you with thin mints and masturbation

[text] Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.

[text] Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time

[text] Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent

[text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.

[text] I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how’s your day going?

[text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.

[text] We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What’s wrong with this tradition?

[text] all i’ve had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.

[text] Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don’t exist?

[text] Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special

[text] And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention

[text] This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the “High While Analyzing Disney Movies” texts begin.

[text] Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won’t quit poking me on fb

[text] I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

[text] One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won’t be me. I’m drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

[text] You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

[text] im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster

[text] just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.

[text] I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on

[text] Let’s play a little game called “Chill the Fuck Out” - you’re our first contestant

[text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

[text] I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

[text] you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

[text] tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?

[text] We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

[text] maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game

[text] i think its awesome that according to your mom i’m your friend that caught on fire.

[text] So fucked up. Can’t tell if I’m starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

[text] I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

[text] Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

[text] you traded sex for a burrito?

[text] I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

[text] You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

[text] it’s not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

[text] You’re always adorable, but when you’re drunk, you’re like Chia Pet adorable.

[text] this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

[text] I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box

[text] I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old’s Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

[text] It’s like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it’s gummy bears and instead of milk it’s vodka.

[text] You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

[text] Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

[text] we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying “i mean who doesn’t like cheetos”

[text] quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

[text] I left a cheeto on everyone’s car trailing to the house i’m at, hanzel and gretel style.

[text] Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

[text] nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

[text] When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

[text] kinda considering buying a life alert for sophomore year

[text] My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

[text] Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

[text] you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing ‘follow the yellowbrick road’. i’m pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

[text] It’s like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

[text] did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

[text] The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

[text] I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!

[text] You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

[text] I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

[text] So I woke up today with someone’s door knob in my pocket. I hope everybody else got out of the house ok.

[text] So we successfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

[text] Because when I say 'You shouldn’t drink anymore’, she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks’

[text] okay, this game isn’t funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

[text] The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

[text] when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

[text] so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

[text] You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone

[text] never. drinking. again.

[text] I’m gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.

[text] got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

[text] I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

[text] i’m out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.

[text] Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

anonymous asked:

If Jorah already knows that dragons are bad news why is he still panting for Dany's white pussy? Is he that thirsty? Like dude, you're hot, you could totally get laid for free if you put your mind to it! LMAO


napuleh replied to your post: [text] Didn’t get laid. But got a free pie from a…

[anna asking the real questions] [text]: it’s apple and the crust is [text]: well it’s puff pastry so of course it’s thinner [text]: should I share with my dog

[TEXT] Hopefully they used good apples. Good crust though. Flaky + pie is really good.

[TEXT] If you want your dog to vomit on your carpet? Yes. Otherwise, do not.


Frank & Eileen Barry Linen Paisley Button Down Blouse - $198

Matthew Williamson by Linda Farrow Gradient Lens Round Sunglasses - $359

Mango Polka Dot Scarf - $50

Derek Lam Cropped Zip-Front Straight-Leg Trousers - $1,490

Express Leather Belt Buckle - $40

Missing the 60s because you wanted to get laid - Free


He was used to doing shot after shot with no ill effects. The alcohol was something he liked to feel burn on the way down and to get him laid. Free drinks on him the rest of the night. After his destruction of his wings, however, the meaning behind the alcohol changed. Not just because of his mentality, but because of his body. 

“Are you okay?” Chloe asked him, sitting next to him at the piano. She’d come here to check up on him, to tell him she was sorry for him not getting his wings back. They’d had their serious conversation, and now, they were drinking. He was only three shots in when he started to feel lightheaded 

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” he assured her, taking another shot. She smiled and followed suit, but he knew he wasn’t fine. His entire body felt warm, the edges of his vision blurring. The room was spinning. It was probably from Amenadiel’s fists, but something was different. 

“Let’s get you to bed,” she finally said, standing and helping him up from the bench. “Because, you my friend, are hammered.” She laughed as he stood, swaying before grabbing onto her. 

“Am not,” he replied, laughing along with her. She led the way to the apartment above, making sure he didn’t fall. When they got to the bedroom, he laid down eyes already wanting to shut. Before he did, he looked at Chloe with a smile. Adoration was in his eyes. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me since I got to Los Angeles,” he admitted before curling up and falling asleep.

The next morning, he woke up with a pounding head and the need to vomit everything he’d drank the night before. “You’re such a lightweight, Lucifer,” Maze told him, voice loud, as she handed him water and an aspirin. 

AU: Divergent - A 5SOS Fanfic

Part 1

Part 2

Chapter 3 -

I couldn’t believe that I actually had found Luke attractive. That boy was probably the biggest pain in the ass I had ever met. I glared at his back while I was at the punching bag station working on hand-to-hand combat. He had just made me run two miles for talking back to him. 

Fucking asshat.

He turned around from the girl he was helping and I couldn’t avert my gaze fast enough so his eyes met mine, and then he had that stupid smirk that I wished I could wipe off of his face. He said bye to the girl, who giggled and blushed when he complemented her, and started walking towards me. 

“You’re not gonna get anywhere fighting like that, especially since you are hella tiny,” he bluntly stated looking at my technique.

“I do not need your help, wait actually do me a huge favour and take your ego and yourself somewhere far away,” I huffed, punching harder.

All of a sudden I felt rough hands on my waist. My eyes became wide and I felt the colour rush to my cheeks, “What the hell are-”

“You don’t have a good stance, anyone could knock you over with ease Princess,” he said turning my waist so I was in a better fighting position. His proximity to me put me at a loss for words. He helped me for ten or so minutes before moving to go to someone else.

“I didn't need your help,” I yelled after him. The truth is that I absolutely needed his help.

“Of course you didn’t Princess,” he responded while chuckling.


I was pretty athletic, but I didn’t expect to be this exhausted after only the first day. Maybe I wouldn’t be if the arrogant asshole didn’t make me do extra for being “annoying”.

I couldn’t stay tired for long because as soon as Amy finished getting ready we were going to go to the pit and I hoped that maybe I could meet my brother. I looked at myself in the mirror, I was wearing a black tank top, a black jean jacket, black skinny jeans, and black combat boots. I bet my parents wouldn’t even recognize me anymore.

“Come on let’s go,” Amy said grabbing my wrist as we began walking towards the pit.

I recognized him instantly, I was a bit afraid I wouldn’t but as soon as we reached the pit I saw him leaning against the wall talking to…Luke? 


Calum’s hair was messier, he wore all black, had a better built, and had a few tattoos and piercings. My parents would’ve probably fainted. I didn’t realize how nervous I was until this very moment, my heart was pounding.

What if he doesn’t want to see me?

I took a deep breath and started walking towards him. Luke saw me first and started to speak but I interrupted him and said:

“Hi Calum.”

Calum spun around at the words and looked at me, first shocked then excitedly.

“Rachel?” He said, as if he wanted to make sure I actually was there. I just nodded in response.

He then pulled me into a hug and that was the moment when I felt truly safe, secure, and at home. This was my home. I had also totally forgotten about Luke’s presence until he said:

“Wait what? You know him? You know her?" 

Cal and I both laughed at the confused look on his face.

"Mate, this is my sister, Rachel. Rach this-”

“I already met the asshat,” I interrupted Calum’s introductory speech making him laugh and making Luke scoff, take an angry sip of his drink, and then confusedly walk away.

Calum and I then talked, catching up, for hours until I yawned and said that I was going to sleep. I said goodnight, dreading the next morning, but nevertheless leaving with a huge grin on my face.

It was late and most people were already in their rooms and Amy had left hours ago. I always was and still am horrible at directions and these confusing hallways didn’t help at all. I looked for someone so I could ask directions, but I didn’t find anyone until I heard noises coming from a hallway to the right. I walked down it and around the corner and I saw Luke standing with his arms around a waist of this incredibly pretty tall blonde girl and their faces so close that I could tell they were probably making out before.

I let out a squeak of surprise, causing Luke to turn around. I quickly started walking in the opposite direction, feeling angry and pissed off for some reason until I felt a hand grab my wrist.

“Hey where are you going?” Luke asked as if nothing had happened.

“To my room? Where else would I be going idiot?” I said bitterly.

“Here I’ll walk you,” he responded.

“No no please I don’t want to stop you from getting laid please feel free to go back to your blonde bimbo." 

"Hey be nice, that’s my girlfriend. Now come on,” He said leading the way to the initiate rooms. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked extremely pissed, refusing to talk to him the whole way there.

When we reached the room Luke leaned against the wall next to the door.

“Night Princess,” he said.

I just scoffed, putting my hand on the handle.

“Jealous much?” He smirked.

I turned around, my mouth wide open with shock. 

“Absolutely not.”

“Whatever you say Princess,” he responded.

I flicked him off and said “You’re such a dick, and stop calling me that.” With that I walked into the room and slammed the door, earning glares from a couple of people who I woke up.

I went to my bed pulled off my shoes and decided I was too lazy to change so I got under the covers in my tank top and jeans. Amy was sitting on her bed looking at her phone, she smiled when she saw me.

“So,” she said starting a conversation. “Don’t you think Luke is really attractive?" 

This woke me up from my sleep. "You mean a real dick? Yeah I do. And there’s no chance Amy, he has a girlfriend.”

“How do you know that?”

“Goodnight Amy,” I said turning away from her, shutting my eyes and trying to get some sleep.

This is gonna be one hell of a week.

A/N: A bit short but I felt like this was a good place to end it. Please let me know what you guys think! Feedback and suggestions are always appreciated :—–)

Read my other fanfic! - Amnesia