Height: 168cm SW: 96kg CW: No idea, something around 63kg
I have been overweight most of my life. Growing up I was very active, but as active as I was, I was never given restrictions with food or taught about proper nutrition. I ate a lot of junk which was not good for my health, image and self-esteem. The teasing started in elementary school when I was around 8 years old. I had a lot of friends and was a very popular child, so being teased by one or two kids didn’t bother me much. It all got worse when I got into high school.
In Germany, students a part of the same class for the whole school year, so I always had the same people around me for at least 5 hours straight every day. It didn’t matter what I did or where I was, there was always that one group of three people that constantly tormented me. They were athletic, attractive and popular – quite the opposite of myself (I did have friends, but was always separated from them because they were in a different class than me). I was called almost every name you could imagine. I remember wearing a grey pair of jeans once and hearing them say “I didn’t know elephants wore jeans nowadays”. Needless to say I never wore them again.
Whenever I sat outside, they would sit nearby and mock me, make grossed-out faces, laugh and point. One time, after school, I had to run a half an hour for PE class on the outside track. The soccer team was running stairs on the stadium steps right beside of the track for practice. As I would run past them, I would hear them yell “Run fat girl, run!” ”Too bad running will not make you pretty!”
These types of instances were situations I dealt with for years on a daily basis. I never told anyone, because I didn’t want to seem “weak”. Now I realize that not talking about my problems was a mistake. Maybe I could have switched classes, maybe it could have all been a lot easier for me.
Every day during the ride to school, my stomach was in knots because I never knew what particular torment that day would bring. I wore baggy clothes, in hopes that no one would notice me or my body. That never worked though. I would skip class some days just so I would not have to go to school and get mocked. I would go in the bathroom in between classes to spend as little time as possible with my class mates. I never wanted to go out with my friends because I thought everyone else was so much prettier and better than me.
The depression was becoming so bad with the teasing at school and at home (yes, my dad always used to call me names because he thought it would “motivate me to change”) that I wouldn’t leave the house if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. Food was my main source of comfort. I was an emotional eater and binged a lot.
I graduated high school in 2012 and that’s when things started to get a bit better.
I remember finding a fitness blog in early 2013. I decided I wanted to make a change. I wanted to know what it was like to buy clothes and not cry in the dressing room because nothing would fit. I wanted to know what it was like to look at my own reflection and not cringe.
In April of 2013 I moved to London to work as an Au Pair. This is when started my tumblr blog to motivate me to lose weight. The thoughts of wanting to be “thin” and have visible collar and hip bones slowly but surely took over my mind. I wanted to lose as much weight as possile as fast as I could, so I simply stopped eating. Tricking my host family was easy, since the only time we’d come together during the day was for dinner. For nearly 6 months, I only consumed around 400 calories a day. I lost my period, was weak and would pass out from time to time, but I loved what I was seeing in the mirror, so I didn’t care about those things.
Back in Germany, I left everyone with their mouths open. People would suddenly compliment me, boys would turn their heads and hit on me and even people I used to go to school with and who used to make fun of me, told me I looked great. I started “slacking”. I thought since I had lost so much weight I could go back to my old eating habits without gaining any back. Of course I gained some back and when I did so, I started hating myself again. I was mad at me for losing control and literally not being strong enough to starve myself.
I was desperate and didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to do SOMETHING to prevent going back to my original weight. This is when I found a fitblr. That girl’s blog showed me that starving myself wasn’t the answer. I started researching everything I could on health and fitness. I started to learn and teach myself about different types of cardiovascular exercise, the benefits of lifting weights and how to fuel my body with healthy food.
And here I am now. At a good weight, with healthy eating habits and finally happy with myself.