get an axe

My players are morons and I love them

Context: I’m a new DM with new players, and I’ve planned little mini sessions for each of my players to ease them into the game and let them develop their characters a bit! So far I’ve done a session with the Half-Elf Druid and the Orc Fighter. Some highlights below:

**FOR THE DRUID’S SESSION**

Druid: My family is known for dying their horses coats with berries; a fun little side effect is that they’re poisonous and we often have to put the animals down after they groom themselves.

Me: Cool so you slather your pets in poison, got it. Aren’t you supposed to be the animal guy?

Me: Alright, what do you do before you embark on this adventure? Do you say your goodbyes to family, pack, what’re you doin?

Druid: I go to the bar.

Me: Alright.

Druid: Then I find the prettiest woman there and use my 20 charisma on her.

Me: Are you-

Druid: I’m trynna FUCK.

Me: Roll Perception for me.

*Passes*

Me: Nice. You hear something rustling in a tree to your left, and upon inspection you realize it’s a cloaked figure-

Druid: I wink at them.

Me: They ignore that and spring out of the tree, roll initiative.

Druid: Wait! Are they hot though??

**FROM THE FIGHTER’S SESSION**

Fighter: *Had just been approached by a small dragonborn girl begging for help. He didn’t reply, just turned and walked away.*

Me: This little girl had been holding your arm before you left - you just wrenched your arm from her grip and started to amble off.

Fighter, snorting ooc: Yup

Me: Okay. She runs to keep up with your longer stride and kind of jumps a little, grabbing onto you and hanging there. Are you still walking?

Fighter, quietly laughing now: Yeah - I’m going to get my axe so I can leave!

Me: ALRIGHT MY DUDE. You walk into your cabin with a sobbing 2 year old dragonborn dangling from your arm and pick up a massive axe. Roll intimidation purely for the fact that you haven’t said a word.

Fighter: Nat 20. But I-

Me: The little dragonborn falls to the ground and promptly soils herself, and begins to scream in absolute terror. A few of your neighbors shuffle out of their homes nervously to see what’s causing the commotion. Congratulations, you’ve just made a baby piss herself and probably ruined your good standing with the locals.

Fighter, ooc: nooooo

WHEN (not if, get fucked if people cancel this film series) we get more films

I can’t wait for the other Rangers to get their weapons

I liked the little homage to Trini’s daggers when she threw whatever it was she grabbed at Rita, she’d be awesome with a pair of badass yellow power daggers, literally the only one immediately competent with her weapons and she overuses them, she needs to like…calm down maybe not everything is “I bet I can hit that with a dagger”

Zack had his pick axe action when they were digging out the coins, so imagine when he gets his power axe like this dude is going to LOVE HIS DAMN AXE LOOK AT MY AXE GUYS. BOOM. BOULDER IS NOW TWO BOULDERS. He’s like Thor but with an axe. He names it.

Billy smacking people around with his power lance, swinging it around like awww yea, knives on each end apologising like crazy when he accidentally cracks Kim around the head with it, and really doesn’t when he wins several spars purely from tripping the others over with it

Kim getting annoyed because the others keep whistling the Mockingjay tune when she draws her power bow back, she keeps getting asked what her elf eyes see and can we all just stop calling her Hawkeye and or Merida pls thanks, let her just take this damn shot

Okay but it makes perfect sense that Nicole was upset with Waverly at the end of the episode for not saying she was with them. Like she probably knows that signing that contract in her own blood probably would have been a bad idea and she’s probably relieved that she didn’t have to sign it. But I can understand why she’s a bit upset because Nicole is super perceptive. She knew that they were hiding something throughout the whole first season. She picked up on it fairly quickly. But she tried not to poke to hard on the issue cause she didn’t really know Wynonna or the other members of the group that well yet and her relationship with Waverly was fairly new and they hadn’t called each other girlfriends yet and she wasn’t part of Black Badge yet. So when they were hiding stuff from her in the first season she didn’t get upset or really poke or prod the issue very far besides asking the few questions she asked because she probably figured it wasn’t her business. But now that she’s been let in on the supernatural stuff going down in Purgatory and has been made part of Black Badge and had her relationship with Waverly made public she probably thought that all the secrets would stop and she was officially part of the team. But then Wynonna is calling her Officer Haught instead of Agent Haught and telling Waverly to keep plans secret from Nicole and Waverly is listening ams keeping those secrets from Nicole. And then also remember Nicole could hear everything Waverly was saying when she was inside those Black Badge headquarters where they were keeping Dolls. And when they were being attacked by the monster who eats souls (I forget what it was called) Waverly said all the people that she was working with and she said her sister, Doc, and “Some super fit secret agent” (Not even mentioning Eliza by her name. Just saying she was a secret agent) but….she didn’t mention Nicole. In any capacity. Not “My girlfriend” not “Nicole Haught” just no mention of her whatsoever. And Nicole heard that. And then there’s the fact that Nicole can obviously tell there’s something happening with Waverly. She tastes different, gets all crazy with an axe next to Nicole’s head before chopping off the head of a demon and not warning her that that’s what she’s going to do. And then there’s the fact that Nicole almost definitely heard Waverly’s voice get all deep and scary when she was scaring off that soul eating monster. And yet when Nicole asks if Waverly is alright Waverly just pretends everything’s peachy. So Nicole is probably a bit disappointed since she probably assumed that when she became Black Badge she was just immediately going to be brought into the inner sanctum. But now she’s still being kept at arms length and being treated like an outsider to the little gang they have going. While it makes sense that they’re keeping her at a bit of a distance since she’s only been Black Badge for 24 hours it also makes sense why Nicole is upset. I’m actually very excited to see how they’re going to go about resolving this issue. We’ve never seen them really have an issue with each other before so it’ll be interesting to see how they work out conflict with one another.

So alien perspectives on humans are always fun because you get space orcs or space gypsys or the occassional space kinksters (because no matter what it is, some enterprising human will eventually try to bang it) but I secretly love the idea that we’re going to be the Cryptkeepers or Nightmare Fuel Station Attendents of the universe (at best) because our lore is effing DARK, and the happy shit never travels across cultures like the horror does.

It’ll be funny at first.

Earth kids are THOSE kids and grow up to collectively raise THOSE kids: The Next Generation. We don’t retell crap like Frozen or Mulan or the Lion King or whatever. Common campfire stories are all about escaped serial killers with hook hands or co-eds getting axe-murdered while their roommate is sleep. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark or Goosebumps fare are readily told and embellished and shared again. Bloody Mary and Candy Man spread all over the Galactic Scouts of the Virgo Supercluster like wildfire. Human kids think nothing of it, but the youth of over twenty different alien races are completely traumatized.

And it starts from Day 1. Imagine it: some stressed human with a squalling newborn is stuck waiting in the spaceport lounge for a super-delayed flight to Alpha Centauri and EVERYONE is getting pissed and the parent is getting even more frantic and embarrassed because their language translator works just fine and Atarians haven’t exactly perfected whispering anyway so they KNOW they’re totally being judged right now (I knew humans were loud Grarblyx, but this is ridiculous!!!) and they eventually go “fuck it” and resort to nursery rhymes. Jesus. It’s nice enough at first and kinda sweet and the human parent actually has a good singing voice so no one really minds, but then the words start registering? Holy. Shit. The bystanders are going to be just, just SO lost. This scumbag fleshie stuck their baby in a tree and it fell out and that’s okay with you?? An elder went to bed and bumped his head and fucking died and you’re singing about it??? Plague carols, Hrothlax! The fleshie’s singing plague carols! No one knows what’s worse–the parent thinking this is acceptable, or that fact that its working and the baby is soothed by the horror rhymes. #DemonBaby and #HumanParentsAreTheWorst are trending on cosmic Twitter within the hour. #WTFHumanity –a top twenty mainstay– hits the number one spot yet again.

That triggers even more curiosity and OF COURSE nursery rhymes trigger the fairytale discussion, and Humans Are Trolls so screw Disney, its Brothers Grimm (& Co.) time. Cinderella? Chopped off toes, ensorcelled shoes, birds pecking out eyes. Little Red Riding Hood (or the Lon Po Po variant, which is Nightmare Fuel in its own right)??? Snow White???? (WHY ARE HUMANS TELLING THEIR KIDS STORIES ABOUT MURDERING KIDS? NO WONDER THEY’RE NUTS–THIS NONSENSE STARTS AT BIRTH!!) Sleeping Beauty??? (Bloodline curses and rape, wtf?????)

You know what Earth offers up to Galactic TV??? It’s not Star Wars or Star Trek or super hero movies, because all that is reality now. Rom Coms never do well off Earth. (Or on Earth, these days) because they don’t cross culutres well. But slasher films??? They never go away because we LOVE them, even if only to mock them. Time to revisit the classics. Michael Myers returns, the Scream franchise is rebooted. SO. MANY. AXE MURDERS.

Humanity, you’re so weird, lol.

But everyone better hope it stops there at the Cryptkeeper level, or THINGS GO WRONG.

Next level? The supernatural shit is POSSIBLE because aliens are real and there are species that see what we only barely detect, and some Effed. Up. Mess. goes down on Earth. All those horror stories based on some human with ESP drawing the wrong thing’s attention? All those written off feelings of paranoia or fear? That’s going to make for some fucked up reality checks for HUMANS because our sixth sense is notorious and then you have to wonder…ghosts? Poltergeists? Demonic or violent entities? All that was contained on Earth but now can cross the stars.

What happens when ideas that thrive off the collective unconscious goes galactic? What if there is a species that has evolved enough to engender psychic constructs?

They’d better be kept far away from shit like Freddy Kreuger, and ALL gods forbid the Slender Man mythos resurfaces. The Cthulu Mythos??? That’s introduced and immediately banned and now Earth isn’t quirky and dangerous-but-awesome, but SpaceHell.

Good job, humanity. Good job.

fire emblem tryna tell me Camilla rides a dragon in bikini bottoms and high heels ?? ?

Enemy

Heya! So…this one turned out longer than expected, terribly sorry for the wait ^^;. But hey! The third chapter’s finally done…heh…woot. 

Unfortunately I couldn’t tag the last two chapters in this post because haha, I’m doing this whole thing on a crappy ass tablet. But I did reblog them both recently, the first chapter being ‘Friend’ and the second being 'Rest’. They shouldn’t be hard to find on my blog.

This fanfic has been inspired by the wonderful 2D Bendy AU created by the equally wonderful @shinyzango, go check her blog out!

Enjoy!

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I’m not sure how many people have talked about, because I’ve LOOKED the best I can, but has anyone else pointed out the ink splatters at the holes in the wall?

Like, you first see it after Bendy peeks around the corner, before you get to the projector room to activate the ink flow.

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baker family hcs if eveline didnt take them over pt 1

because they are pure and i want them to be happy

Jack Baker
- he would probably be the guy who makes dad jokes
- “ya know why the sun doesn’t have to go to college??”
“dad no”
“cause it already has 28 million degrees!”
“dad oml”
- he scares Lucas’s friends a lot for shits in giggles
- probably gets his axe and say “here’s jacky!!”
- while his friends are screaming and Jack is laughing so fuckin hard and Lucas is just like “dad please only I’m allowed to do this stop”
- he loves marguriete’s cooking! he likes her pancakes
- honestly he loves his wife so much asdfghjkl
- he hates his house
- it’s so fucking big he just wants to go to the bathroom
- ??? y u hate mansion Jack?
- if he ever got a daughter he would spoil her so hardd
- “jack ur spoiling her too much”
“marguriete she is precious”
“oml Jack”
- probably picks up his wife a lot
- then picks up lucas
- and just marches around the kitchen
- Lucas being like “dad let me go!!” and marguriete “jack!!” while laughing
- TL;DR: he’s basically a fucking dad
- when he firsts meet Ethan and Mia, he’s like
- “oml Zoe has friends??” ( let’s pretend in this au, Zoe made friends with Ethan and Mia )
- he shows them his fake props to scare his son and his friends
- ( he would never scare marguriete too hard, hell just sneak up behind her )
- “y u torture ur son and his friends??” “it’s very funny to see them scared, it’ll never cease to please me”
- he lets Ethan and Mia join one of his scare pranks and once they’re done they’re just laughing while Lucas wants to d i e
- oml Jack likes cooking??
- yes he likes cooking and its fucking great
- it’s a lil burnt but that’s fine
- u can say anything to him but say anything about his family or Ethan and Mia and ull be seeing a lot of aggressive verbal yelling
- but in all seriousness Jack is a man who should never actually hurt anyone even if he was force to because he’s just a sweet old man he doesn’t want to hurt anyone violence gets u no where in life
- he forgets rooms exists sometimes
- “oh damn there’s a basement??? and a safe house?? marguriete did u know this??”
“yes dear, u just forgot about them.”
“ohhh….OMG THERES A CAVE MARGURIETE”
“it’s not a cave sweetheart it’s a runaway tunnel just in case
if dangerous people came”

oh man there’s so much more but tbh that’ll be too much so see ya!!

Next: Marguriete Baker!

Think... Ink: Part 1

Okay, so I wrote a good chunk of this last night at a ridiculous time and worked on it a bit more a little bit ago and just got it to what that I thought was a good stopping point. So yeah. 

Also I need to say this next bit in bold so bear with me a sec.

Please understand, this is just me musing about stuff, and has no bearing on @shinyzango‘s stuff. Zango will decide what they want to do with Ink Henry all in good time. I just wanted to put my thoughts down in writing, and then this spawned out of it. 

Also go congratulate Zango for hitting 2k followers today! Because Zango is awesome and deserves all the nice messages! 


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All My Friends Are Heathens, Pt.6

Summary: In an alternate universe where monsters roam freely among humans, eight of these creatures group together under one roof. Their newest member, a dark vampire, comes to meet their reoccurring house guest who may be more than what she seems.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader
Word Count: 2522
Genre: AU
Warnings: Mild sexual content, the likeliness of Roo getting axed for more slow burn.
A/N: So in this part, we experience Bucky’s POV on that same day and get a little more into his character because reasons. It ties in with his backstory from the Pt3 Prequel as well.

| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 Prequel | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 |

[Previously]

After wishing them a good time and saying your goodbyes, you watched the remainder of your friends take off for the night. Leaving you alone and still thinking about where the hell Bucky could be.


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