germany squad

The most important shit you should know about The Germany National Football Team™ (yes suck it  up americans, i'm callin’ it football not soccer)

[Warning: long long post]

○ Alright so the official title of the team is “deutsche Fußballnationalmannschaft der Männer”, lit. “german national football team of men”. I guess. But that’s a tiny bit too long so there are several “nicknames” too, namely: “Die Mannschaft” (”the team”), “Nationalelf” (”national eleven”), DFB-Elf (”DFB eleven”), DFB-Auswahl (”DFB selection”) and DFB-Team (”DFB team”). [DFB is the “deutscher Fußballbund”, so the German Football Association btw]. {Yes, we’re very creative, I know}.

○ Head coach: Joachim Löw (since 2006) (or: Jogi Löw, that’s his nickname)

This is him. He has resting-bitchface syndrome but we still love him.

○ Captain: Bastian Schweinsteiger (since 2014) (nickname: Schweini)

Apparently it’s impossible to pronounce his name when you’re not German.

○ Top Scorer: Miroslav Klose (71) (nickname: Miro Klose)

Literal cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure.

○ Most caps: Lothar Matthäus (150) (nickname: Loddar)

Known for his like 300 ex-wifes lmao

○ current FIFA ranking: 4. (2nd June 2016)

WORLD CUP:

Appearances: 18 (First in 1934)
Best result: Champions in 1954, 1974, 1990, 2014

EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIP:

Appearances: 12 (First in 1972)
Best result: Champions in 1972, 1980, 1996

CONFEDRATIONS CUP:

Appearances: 2 (First in 1999)
Best result: Third place, 2005

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THE CURRENT SQUAD™ :

Goalkeepers:

○ Manuel Neuer (nickname: Die Wand = the wall)

- #1

- 30 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 69 ayyy B)

- an actual meme and probably proud of his meme status too

○ Bernd Leno

- #12

- 24 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Marc-André ter Stegen

- #22

- 24 years old

- goals: 0

- caps:  6

Defenders:

○ Shkodran Mustafi

- #2

- 24 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 11

- my bae

○ Jonas Hector

- #3

- 26 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 18

- squishy

○ Benedikt Höwedes

- #4

- 28 years old

- goals: 2

- caps: 38

○ Mats Hummels

- #5

- 27 years old

- goals: 4

- caps: 49

- everybody’s crush probably

○ Emre Can

- #14

- 22 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 6

○ Jonathan Tah

- #16

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Jérôme Boateng

- #17

- 27 years old

- goals: 1

- caps: 63

- i wanna be his neighbour

Midfielders:

○ Sami Khedira

- #6

- 29 years old

- goals: 5

- caps: 64

- the fact about him that EVERY german knows: he dated Lena Gercke (a german model)

○ Bastian Schweinsteiger (nickname: Schweini)

- #7

- captain

- 31 years old

- goals: 24

- caps: 118

- can’t act to save his life

○ Mesut Özil

- #8

- 27 years old

- goals: 19

- caps: 77

- the fact about him that EVERY german knows: he dated Mandy Capristo (a german singer)

○ André Schürrle

- #9

- 25 years old

- goals: 20

- caps: 55

- everybody’s crush probably #2

○ Lukas Podolski (nickname: Poldi)

- #10

- 31 years old

- goals: 48

- caps: 129

- you either loveor hate him, there is no in between

○ Julian Draxler

- #11

- 22 years old

- goals: 2

- caps: 22

○ Thomas Müller

- #13

- 26 years old

- goals: 32

- caps: 75

- hilarious as fuck

○ Julian Weigl

- #15

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 1

○ Toni Kroos

- #18

- 26 years old

- goals: 11

- caps: 69 ayyy B)

○ Joshua Kimmich

- #21

- 21 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 3

Forwards:

○ Mario Götze

- #19

- 24 years old

- goals: 17

- caps: 55

- so pure, please love him

○ Leroy Sané

- #20

- 20 years old

- goals: 0

- caps: 3

○ Mario Gómez (nickname: Super Mario)

- #23

- 30 years old

- goals: 29

- caps: 67

Recent call-ups:

(These players have also been called up to the Germany squad within the last 12 months and are still available for selection)

- Kevin Trapp, Ron-Robert Zieler (Goalkeepers)

- Antonio Rüdiger, Sebastian Rudy, Matthias Ginter (Defenders)

- Marco Reus, Karim Bellarabi, Julian Brandt, Christoph Kramer, İlkay Gündoğan (Midfielders)

- Kevin Volland, Max Kruse (Forwards)              

Not part of The Squad™ anymore but they deserve a place on this post:

○ Philipp Lahm

- former captain

- Defender

- smol

- left The Team after the last world cup together with Miroslav Klose and Per Mertesacker and now we suck

○ Miroslav Klose (again) shhh he’s my fave

- top scorer (71 goals) that’s my boy i’m so proud

- Forward

- tol

- famous for his “Klose-Salto” (Klose somersault) after scoring goals (LOOK AT HIM GOOOO)

- he once took a selfie with Rihanna

- received the italian “ethics prize” for fair play, allegiance and social commitment and dedicated it to Michael Schumacher ISN’T HE JUST PRECIOUS

○ Per Mertesacker

- Defender

- A GIANT

- one of 140 celebs that promoted the UK’s EU membership with a “love letter” lmao cutie

- Arsenal fans call him “BFG” (Big Friendly - or Fucking - German)

○ Michael Ballack

- Midfielder

- former captain

- we all used to love him but now we don’t really anymore and I’m not entirely sure what happened tbh

- one of the top scorers even though he’s “only” a Midfielder (he’s currently #8 on the list)

○ Franz Beckenbauer

- nickname: “Der Kaiser” (the emperor)

- probably every dad’s fave

○ Gerd Müller

- nickname: “Bomber der Nation” (nation’s bomber)

- he got that nickname because of all the goals he scored, he dropped dem goals like bOMBS

- probably every dad’s fave #2

- he has Alzheimer’s :<

————

I just spent over 2 hours on this post so I guess that’s it for now~