Another email from @submissive-seeking

It warms my heart to see her so talkative and engaged and “her” this evening. … :)

“If a psych team saw us doing this shit outside of a race, they’d 5150 us,start ordering Haldol Dec or Geodon Sub-Q, and 5 point restraints!
Ain’t nothing pretty about what we do.
Except for the bling.
Oh, and great race pics of hurling on the race director….
It really does give me joy and lots of evil cackling knowing you’re patient zero of the Tribe.
You know why you’re you? Cuz you learned how to suffer better eons ago. You have no illusions of not suffering.  You endure.
And that’s why you’re one of us.
Besides,  you ought to at least get some shiny bling outta the deal, right?
Javelina is perfect for you….
Generous cutoff for the 100k, washing machine loops, great aid stations (like the middle one named Jackass!) , tent rentals set up for you at the start finish, a great Halloween party atmosphere and it’s a qualifier for Western States so you get to run with the greats, the hopefuls,  and dreamers just out to test their mettle.
It’s not accident Ogma as a wild boar is the mascot.”

It is really annoying 2 me that pretty much all antipsychotics do is make you stop hallucinating…I would like my brain to continue showing me things but maybe have it stop telling me to trace the FA signal wiring through my house to its source (government mind control frequency)/tear it all out or that my insides are being eaten painfully by rats, ect. No pill for that so I guess psychiatry is fake

The worst is from about 3:30pm until about 7pm. I take my geodon around 6. Had another small panic attack but got through it.

Still not great but now mostly functional. My cough is horrible though. I think I need to try to eat more tomorrow. If I read correctly, not eating enough can mess with acid reflux too.

Goals for tomorrow: water my AC peach trees and take a shower.

Last night I had the first significant hallucination I’ve had in years.

I’m trying to get off seroquel and onto geodon. I’ve been on seroquel for five years and I just can’t take the side effects anymore. But I’m super sensitive to meds so I have to titrate really slowly. When I got off lexapro for welburtin I had the worst withdrawals I’ve ever had. At my last psych appointment she adjusted my dose one last time, taking me down another 50mg of seroquel. However she suspected this last dose change might be my threshold for preventing psychotic symptoms. She was right but I can’t call her and ask her to add geodon until Monday. I’m crawling out of my skin and am definitely hearing someone outside my house, last night I hallucinated spiders…I’m just taking extra anxiety meds, and wearing noise canceling headphones. I absolutely refused to go the ER and I still have insight, but sometimes insight isn’t always enough. All I gotta do is make it until Monday…definitely feel a little spacey. 

Geodon drop happening now!

It’s finally here, I’m down to 20mg.

I think I’ll be okay as long as I can keep my acid reflux in check, coz I think that’s what’s driving the anxiety at this point.

Probably won’t sleep tonight tho, ugh.

going to adjust my lamictal tonight...

To avoid the unnecessary Dizziness and cross-eyed vision and severe, drowsiness with nausea, I’m NOT taking my Oxycodone for pain tonight, as my chest is fine right now.
and I’m cutting my 200mg Lamictal in half, taking half tonight, and the other in the morning, and then my Topamax and Geodone as prescribed. 

Lord please let this work. 

annnnddd Amen.