general sarcasmness

Okay so humans are weird. But how?

Let’s think about the masses. Music? Try sound waves that are blasting the delicate tissues of one of their senses, they can even hear better than most species, as if it wasn’t enough of an insult! They appear to respond to certain sounds and disregard others, so far no largely noticeable pattern has been found. Some adult, nurturing specimens call this specific occurrence ‘selective hearing’ in their young offspring.

Physical wellbeing? Hah! Try torture. Daily, many humans injure their muscles lifting considerable weight and running large distances for physical fitness in the civilian sectors, nevermind the military requirements. Some military requirements have need of the recruit to loft their own body weight - and perhaps more - over two hundred times.

Speaking of physical fitness - healing. It seems to vary between the individual, their accumulation of genetics, and their physical wellbeing. Depending on the variables, humans can survive the removal of major organs, limbs, even their soft, squishy exoskeleton (note: this is actually an organ that prevents a large majority of external bacteria and infections in muscles and generally vital tissue). Some humans will peel and eat their skin and soft nails, or just pluck their twenty extra appendages (note: hands-fingers feet-toes) if they are anxious or in an extremely testing situation. While it is not encouraged, it is not a large hazard.

Eating habits? It has been recently discovered that human beings are actually herbivores that adapted to gain nutrients from flesh. A portion of the population deny eating certain foods (such as meat, animal products, etc) for religion, personal preference, and other reasons. Apparently, there is an odd share of control over food. Instead of distributing food everywhere, equally, certain higher-ups prefer to keep food to themselves while others share it. Humans seem to argue on this, and it doesn’t seem to be fully resolved.

Behaviour? Adolescents can hold grudges well into their adulthood. All of the species seem to be capable of disliking someone or something and acting against them, despite general outlook or behaviour. Some display this behaviour more than others. There appear to be enough of the human population to have a large diversity in behaviour, melanin, intelligence, preference, and a variety of other things. (Note: Terran population was last counted to be seven billion. The planet has estimated to only hold ten to eleven billion max, so expect them to be venturing into unexplored territory in search of resources soon).

Verbal conversation? Terrans have a total of six thousand five hundred languages, and are still capable of communicating across their planet in mere fractions of their daily rotation (Note: this is…frightening. This scout shall endeavor to explore less…advanced races). Translators are something to be feared, as each language can have different sounds, number of letters, different way to spell and say a certain sound, different words in certain situations, and a dizzying amount of information used without thinking of it. Words can be abbreviated and can be stressed to give a different meaning to the recipient. Sarcasm is very hard to explain. This scout will leave the…troublesome explanation to Scout 54P1. If asked, please recite this; ‘the idea of Sarcasm (that is saar-cah-suh-mm) is foreign to most races. Please excuse it’.

Senses. Human senses (taste, touch, smell/scent, hearing, sight) are fairly advanced for a species who has domesticated most of their planet’s species. Please refer to Scout 73B2 for a deeper explanation, as I have no idea where to begin.

And military? Forget the idea. Military organizations regularly converse with others, sharing Intel and general knowledge, a professional form of gossip.

In general? Human beings/Terrans are not to be trifled with, despite their modernization. Sheer determination, stubbornness produced by hormones and protective instinct, and dulled senses will kill you, take caution.

The Chartists have at last had their final demand fulfilled, 179 years after it was set down in the People’s Charter -alongside universal suffrage, the secret ballot and payment of MPs, yearly elections have finally become a permanent feature of British democracy.

“Oh please, you’re only identifying as [thing] because you heard about it on Tumblr.”

Well gee, maybe if there were proper resources out there, public visibility and community support for people like us, we wouldn't have to wait until we randomly stumbled across a post on Tumblr to understand what we are.

quillbit-reads  asked:

How is The Martian? I haven't gotten around to reading it

Honestly, I love it. I finished it first listening to it. And the reader, R.C. Bray is really phenomenal at reading. 

But I just had so much fun going through Mark Watney’s life on Mars. There are some seriously good quotes that came out of it. For example:

  • “Yes, of course duct tape works in a near-vacuum. Duct tape works anywhere. Duct tape is magic and should be worshiped.” 
  • “Maybe I’ll post a consumer review. “Brought product to surface of Mars. It stopped working. 0/10.” 
  • “If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I’ll have to risk it.” 
  • “They say once you grow crops somewhere, you have officially ‘colonised’ it. So technically, I colonised Mars. In your face, Neil Armstrong!” 
  • “I’m calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I’ve been through, shit on Mars should be named after me.” 
  • “Everything went great right up to the explosion.” 
  • “I’m space paparazzi now. The attitude comes with the job.” 
  • “Once I got home, I sulked for a while. All my brilliant plans foiled by thermodynamics. Damn you, Entropy!” 

And for real, the science part of this book is amazing. Weir did an amazing job when he researched the book. He literally did “science the shit out of it”. 

I’m just in awe of how much I enjoyed this book. Tho, in considering the amount of swearing, sarcasm and general hilarious shenanigans it shouldn’t have been surprising. 

I was taggged by @marshmallowsims, thank you my guy!!!

DATING AIDEN WOULD INCLUDE:

- dealing with his sarcasm and general bad mood
- having a thousand guitar pics at your house at all times, same as if you were dealing with bobby pins, those pins
- bitches wanting to fuck him even though he’s an ugly ass bitch
- shit from his past he hasn’t dealt with
- shit from his past he has dealt with
- more bitches wanting to fuck him 
- Nyx
- sex on a daily basis
- being handed a thousand Pandora’s Box tees because #neverenoughpromo
- shit from the present he hasn’t dealt with
- Nyx
- him being sweet from time to time.
- more sex.
- being sung to all the other times sex is not in the picture

The Perks of Being a Wallflower: Patrick [ENTP]

Extroverted Intuition (Ne): Patrick is a highly creative individual whose interests lie outside school rather than inside it, so he uses his immense talent for impersonating people and other shenanigans to the great amusement of his fellow students. He’d much rather be out having fun and making a mockery of something with wit, sarcasm, and general hilarity, than attending to his homework, which results in his persistently low grades. However, Patrick can always talk himself in and out of just about anything, even with his teachers. Ideas and stories interest him most, and he is good at telling them as well as demanding good ones from other people.

Introverted Thinking (Ti): Despite his cavalier attitude toward life, Patrick is actually quite smart. He sizes up situations in silence and then reacts to them through his emotional side. He prefers not to be too serious, but instead to keep things light. He has a rapier wit, able to spot inconsistencies in things people say, and irrational statements, and use them to slingshot back a joke or an insult. He can be very sarcastic and somewhat blunt if he puts his mind to it, but…

Extroverted Feeling (Fe): … he often softens his criticisms with a twinkle in his eye and a smile. Patrick cares very much about his friends and family, and would fight to the death for them; though he sluffs off the insults of classmates who don’t like his gayness, Patrick is actually quite hurt by them. He’s devastated when his boyfriend denies their relationship and lets the other boys beat him up. He is aware of the emotional tones in the room and likes to diffuse them whenever he can; he’s also willing to share his feelings, although he is slow to talk about them at first.

Introverted Sensing (Si): He has a sense of sentimentality for the past, as is shown in his gift of a suit to Charlie for Christmas (because all the greatest old writers wore classy suits). Like Sam, he loves old songs and also does the same part in the same play for months on end, without it ever getting old. But his lack of attention in class and his general disinterest in details makes him a “flunkie.”

Stronger Together

Prompt: Dan sees the Anthony and Kalel broke up and begins to think about how happy they seemed when they were in London and starts to think about if him and Phil will eventually go their separate ways. He becomes super clingy and cuddly with Phil and just generally fluffiness occurs.

Genre: ridiculous amounts of fluff, comfort,  slight angst?

Word Count: 1.4k 

Warnings: none

Author’s Note: This is my first ever fic so i really don’t know how it is, hopefully its enjoyable, maybe? idk  *crosses fingers* 

I hope you like it 

Keep reading

John Murphy

Requested by anon and inspired by this post

Dating John Murphy would include;

-lots of eye rolling (at each other and everyone else tbh)

-teasing him about his hair

-wearing his leather jacket w/ the red spikes on it

-him being suuuper protective and defensive about you esp concerning other guys talking to you

-him being protective of you in general

-SARCASM all the time (!!!)

-hugs from behind

-lots of hugs 

-trying to convince pretty much everyone that he’s really not a bad guy

-play fighting

-trying to get him to crack a smile by being super cute when he’s pissed off at someone (usually Bellamy)

-“pound town” ;)

-dancing with him in the lighthouse

-both of you trying to deal with Jaha’s delusional, crazy ass on the journey to the city of light

-making him let you braid his hair (he won’t say it but he actually loves it)

-he’d probably keep his arm around you like all the time tbh

-him being kinda clingy, especially when you two are alone

-forehead kisses

-cheek kisses

-neck kisses

-kisses!!

-he’d call you by your last name whenever you annoyed him

-you’d probably call him John instead of Murphy bc its more personal

-most importantly, getting to hear John Murphy tell you that he loves you all the time

Writing Desk

Harry groaned and let his forehead hit the desk as Mr. Binns continued to drone on and on and on about the History of Magic. Honestly, it would probably be pretty interesting if Mr. Binns wants so bloody boring.

He sat up again when he felt the very sharp elbow, that of course belonged to Hermione, dig into his side. He instead decided to doodle on his desk and pretend he was taking notes. Hermione just rolled her eyes and went back to actually taking notes while Harry doodled.

Actually he would doodle on his desk all the time, but ever time he came back to class, his desk had been spelled clean. He thought it was the house elves, but some of the other desks had a bit of graffiti on them, so he did wonder why it was only his desk that was spelled clean every day.

The next time he walked into History of Magic and sat down, he was prepared to start doodling on his freshly cleaned desk again, but instead of it being clean, right in the middle of his desk was scrawled in very elegant script, ‘Stop drawing on my desk.’

Harry snorted and pulled out his wand to spell it clean, earning him an approving glance from Hermione that quickly became a scowl when he dipped his quill in ink and scrawled back to the other mystery owner of the desk, 'It’s my desk too.’

'Maybe, but your drawing suck, and so does your hand writing. Haven’t you ever used a quill?’

This was the new message on his desk the next time he came in. He knew he probably should be offended by this, but seeing it written in the elegant script of his mystery pen-pal just made him laugh. He spelled the desk clean and then went to reply.

'Only for the last 5 years, but yes I have in fact used a quill. Your handwriting is very nice.’

After that message, it took a few weeks for his pen-pal to write him back. At first Harry was a bit bummed, but then just thought that the other person was probably shy.

This time though when he walked in, he saw on his desk, in that perfect script, the entire alphabet and the message, 'Stop doodling on my desk. Practice your handwriting, it’s still an eyesore. You can use mine for practice.’

Harry smiled and sat down, spending the entire class mimicking the alphabet the other had left and writing random nonsense for practice.

'Better. I almost don’t want to spell out my eyes every time I look at it now.’

Was the, probably, compliment from the other.

'Thank you, it’s really helping. I’m sure the professors appreciate it too.’

Harry tapped his quill against the desk and decided to change the subject from his horrible-but-improving handwriting.

'Hey do you like Quidditch? What’s your favorite team? I like the Bulgarian team, their seeker is pretty cool.’

And so it went for a few months, Harry now really looked forward to going to History of Magic, just so he could talk to his pen pal. They talked about just about anything mundane, nothing personal though because they really weren’t the only ones who sat at these desks.

He found that he really got along with this person. Whomever it was had a bit of an attitude and was very snarky, but Harry found that it meshed well with his sarcasm and general dry humor. At this point he was almost starting to enjoy sitting and scribbling on his desk more than hanging out with Ron. His handwriting had even improved immensely, it wasn’t the same as the script of his friend, but that was because he had made it his own.

There was just one thing that was really bothering him about this whole ordeal, he had no idea who he was talking to. The only thing he (probably) knew was that the other person was a male. Though he only thought that from the nature of conversation.

Harry decided he was going to fix that, and break the unwritten “no personal information” rule.

'What is your name?’

It had now, again, been a few weeks and he hadn’t heard anything from his pen pal, even after the few scribbled apologies. The Gryfindor in him was roaring now, he needed to know!

He decided, in his amazing scheming brain (that had not yet thought of this) to show up for class extra early, and see if he could catch the person who was at his desk. Of course he had no way of knowing if his mystery friend was in the class just before his, but if it wasn’t him then he would just show up at all the other classes until he figured it out!

He wasn’t a stalker, really.

Honest.

Harry got to the classroom just as all the other students were filing out, and he tried to push his way through the tide to maybe catch the person at his desk. By the time he made it through, however, there was only one other person in the room, staring at his desk with a contemplative look and his wand out.

“Malfoy!” He said, shocked and storming forward, “what in Merlin’s name are you doing to my de–”

He stopped short when his desk came into view, and the elegant script of his friend was once again on the desk

'Draco Malfoy’

Malfoy spluttered upon seeing Harry, “Your desk!?”

Harry took a deep breath before answering. He hated Malfoy, but he just got on so great with his desk friend! Maybe they were one in the same person, and he and Harry were just not able to get past their first impressions of each other in first year.

Malfoy had started to back away when Harry took too long to answer but stopped short when Harry suddenly stuck out his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you, I’m Harry Potter.”

He stared at Harry’s hand for a couple of minutes, then he grasped it and shook his hand.

“Draco Malfoy.”

Perks of the new Craft video

They’re acting like idiots and we love it
Phil saying no all aggressively
All the sarcasm in general
Phil in glasses
Dan pretending to cry
“Everyone makes mistakes”
Phil picking galaxy colors
Dan being a sinnamon roll
The unnessacary zooming in
PROTIP
Dan repeatedly interupting Phil
THE FUCKING PENTAGRAM
“It’s happened again, Phil.”
HAND HOLDING ALERT
Very aggressively hitting the paper
“Don’t cry, craft!”
Just them in general.

“How To Be A Good Customer At A Retail Store!” by Crylie

It doesn’t take years and years of working in retail to experience horrible customers; they come in every day, in every shape and size. While I am a cashier at one store, I am also a customer at others, and want everyone to know that there are two sides of the coin but both sides are needed to make a harmonious experience. Ok, let’s get down to it.

Originally posted by humoristics


DO:

  • Ask for help when you need it! Employees can’t read your mind but should be trained to take initiative at least, and any good employee will ask you first while you are shopping if there’s anything you need. If you need help don’t be passive aggressive! Employees are busier than you might think they are and will not stand around watching your minute body-language. Make eye-contact, smile and always say ‘Excuse me’, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’!
  • Be patient in long lines! Have respect for the employees as well as fellow shoppers by waiting in line patiently. Sometimes lines are fucking long but that isn’t necessarily the fault of the cashier or employee ringing up purchases. Situations can obviously vary, but it’s best to go into a situation giving kindness, patience and the benefit of the doubt from the start.
  • Mention negative employee conduct to a manager! While doing this do your best to remain calm and to the point–a manager can almost always discipline an employee. Patience and understanding is key here. A manager will want to know what happened in the situation in exact detail so they can know how to properly handle the problem, and it makes it really hard for a manager to process the information when you’re yelling or throwing insults. If the manager is unwilling to understand the problem or is being difficult themselves, request the information to go above their heads to upper-management or whomever is in charge of the branch. In a lot of cases you as a customer can file a conduct report to higher-management. Despite what you think, you can do this all without yelling, insults, sarcasm or general tantrum-throwing–if not for the sake of the employees, then for the sake of your fellow shoppers. 
  • Yelp! Yelp! Yelp! Most retail stores have a Yelp! account online and some stores thrive heavily from their ratings and reviews. Did an employee go the extra mile for you today to give you what you needed? Did they help to solve your problem when a negative happened in the store? Get their name and give them a positive review! Even in a majorly negative shopping experience, if there was anything positive that happened (good customer service, and individual employee or manager who helped you out or gave you that $5-Off coupon or discount for your troubles) it is best to find it and make other consumers aware of these aspects of the store, both positive and negative, by reviewing on Yelp!

DO NOT:

  • Don’t make a problem you have with a product or the store policy the personal fault of any employee or manager! A lot of the time in retail, managers and employees have either little to absolutely no control of store policies or even store product quality. This obviously varies, however, but it’s best to start out kindly and to the point when you have an in-store problem. A good employee or manager will try to fix your problem as best as their abilities will allow them to while in their specific position. The buck, unfortunately, may not stop with the managers at the store for certain issues so do not take the problems of the store or franchise/company and place them onto an employee’s shoulders–they’re probably making minimum wage and working multiple jobs to get through school. Trust me, they’re not the ones you need to be pissed at for rip off store policies.
  • Don’t make a mess! It is seen countless times in retail: clothing or items strewn all over the floor under racks, empty hangers left on rounders, piles of clothing on dressing room floors. It is a nightmare to any employee that has been working on their feet for 8 hours picking up after everyone. Be courteous to them as well as fellow shoppers; it’s not just you in the store and clothing on the floor is a tripping hazard.
  • Don’t bring in any food or drinks! I know what you’re thinking: “But there’s no sign”. Listen to me for a sec ok; there is no reason why it should seem like an OK thing for you to do to bring your Jamba Juice, can of Coke, Arizona tea or chocolate shake into a store that may be filled with things like books and clothing. One spill and you’re stuck with feeling like an ass, maybe having to pay for something soiled and the employee who is wiping up your mess is gonna wind up being chastised or even written-up for not asking you to dispose of your beverage in time before you fucked up and ruined a $50 sweater. Yea, that happens. Whether there’s a sign or no, it should be common sense for you to finish your vittles outside of the store. Don’t be a fuck-head, dude.
  • Don’t try to haggle or push for a discount! This is one of the most annoying things you can do to an employee. It puts them in an awkward position because they have to say ‘No’ or respond with a negative answer and that’s not what they are really there to do. It also may not be up to a cashier or floor employee as to whether or not they can bestow discounts or price reductions. That power usually belongs to the managers solely and you can probably bet they already have a set policy on discounts (ex. for damaged items or incorrectly priced items). Just because you are polite to the cashier, it doesn’t mean you deserve a discount. You’re not entitled to anything just because you walked into the store that day and you need to pay the listed price of your item just like most everyone else does. Get over yourself.
  • Don’t let your children loose! It is not the responsibility of the employee to make sure your child does not ruin items, disturb other customers or hurt themselves. Children can get more injured in retail stores than you think, they are not play-places and may have floors that can have items like censor-tags (sharp needled buttons filled with permanent ink) and other things brought in from the many customers walking around the floor all day long. Generally, employees and other customers find good-natured and active children endearing and loud-laughter is usually (from what I’ve seen) totally tolerable. Kids are kids! However, if your children are misbehaving loudly or screaming or literally running through the store, you need to take care of the problem outside of the store. Sorry, parenting can suck and sometimes shopping for one simple item can be drawn out into a 4-hour event, but trust me, everyone around you will appreciate the effort you make to keep the atmosphere pleasant and it is good to keep in mind that employees and other shoppers don’t deserve to deal with your bad parenting. Don’t be pissed off if you’re asked to leave because of your misbehaving children; it’s sometimes the only option for a manager faced with a possible lawsuit.
  • Don’t be dismissive, demanding or rude toward employees! This is pretty fucking simple but so many customers feel like there’s no need to “go the extra mile” and be kind and friendly toward employees. Employees are trained to make you their top priority and though it is important to sell items in order to make a living wage at the end of the day, kindness is usually genuine and greatly appreciated. Employees are not robots without feelings or personalities, and though the way our economic and social system works under Capitalism, there are still real people underneath all that corporate jazz that deserve to be treated with respect and humility. It sucks to realize, but you’re an asshole if you think they owe you something special while you’re apathetic and dismissive toward them–and that goes for people in general. Yes, we know they work for the customer, but a little gratefulness goes a long way.
  • Don’t ever use profanity directed at an employee or manager! We know you’re frustrated, but there are others who are present and perhaps children. You’re being a giant prick. You’re allowed to be dissatisfied, angry even, but profanity is always, always, always unnecessary. I can tell you this: while employees are there to help you and while they must generally follow the “Customer is Always Right” creed, there are still employee protection procedures that will be enacted if you are acting outrageous or aggressive. Profanity is usually not tolerated and you will be warned any number of times before being asked to leave. If you’re calling on the phone, expect to be hung up on after calling an employee a “stupid bitch” or a “fucking idiot”. Employees are not obligated to deal with over-the-line abuse. While in the store, don’t push it; they are itching to call the cops on you, and they will smile as they place a ban on you from ever entering the premise again. And you deserve it, you fuck. 
  • DO NOT TRY TO COME INTO THE STORE WITHIN 10-15 MIN. OF CLOSING! Within that last time frame, stores are preparing to close which can be a very long process because it includes closing out registers and cleaning the entire floor for business the following day. Most retail stores will turn off their music or warn each customer with a, “Hey guys just so you know we’ll be closing in the next few minutes!” That is your queue to buy what you’re going to buy NOW–this does NOT mean run to the dressing room to try a couple more things on, this does NOT mean continue shopping and this does NOT mean doing anything that will make the staff wait after closing-time for you to shop. Yes, most stores have a policy forcing employees to allow you in if you’re just coming in right before closing, but come on, that’s fucking rude. Many employees have been on their feet for 8 hours and, because they aren’t robots, they need to fucking sleep so they can come back again in the morning to serve you. Many employees have to go home to homework or even leave to get to a second job and you need to be aware of that. Store hours are created to benefit the consumer so you can bet your bottom that it’ll still be there tomorrow. Always remember: You’re not entitled to anything special because you’re not fucking special.
  • DO NOT KNOCK ON THE STORE DOORS BEFORE OPENING TIME! If you see employees walking around in the store, they aren’t shopping or wasting time–they are preparing the store for you to come in and shop. They are cleaning, counting in their registers, preparing employee schedules and whatnot. You shaking the locked door or constantly knocking is distracting and really rude. 
  • Don’t belittle new employees! They are literally trying their best even if it seems they are only careless to you. Causing a shit-stink about a new employee who made a mistake can cost them their job–in this economy, where even minimum wage jobs are hard to come by in most places, that is royally fucked up. As I’ve mentioned before, retail employees are usually students or employees with multiple jobs whose livelihood depends on the money they are making. Even shaming them or making fun of them for fumbling or doing something incorrectly is shitty, does not help the situation and is extremely unnecessary because with a quick ring for the manager, they together can help solve the problem and send you on your merry way. 


All of this can’t possibly sound too hard to do (or NOT do), can it? Don’t be “that customer” and start acting with, and treating others with, a bit o’ dignity. And, truth be told, in a completely fucked situation where employees are unkind, unfriendly and totally NOT accommodating–if a product is horrible, low quality or disappointing–you have to option to never go there again, to not purchase the shitty item. It sucks, but it’s best to be the bigger person for your sake as well as everyone else’s to just never come back to that store.


Thanks for reading, hope you learned something!! <3