gazelle carcass

(MATT DAMON is looking out in to the lion cage…of his heart. Also, a literal lion cage. His DAUGHTER is beside him.)

MATT DAMON: This zoo is such an amazing responsibility. I feel like through my comical misadventures with wild animals, I’ve really dealt with your mother’s death. I’m ready to start having sex with that lady zookeeper now.

DAUGHTER: Daddy, I’m still sad that Mommy’s dead.

MATT DAMON: Well, stop it. We bought a zoo, honey. There’s nothing else I can do. Now, look at that lion ripping part of a gazelle carcass to shreds. That’s the beauty of nature.

DAUGHTER:I’m scared, Daddy.

MATT DAMON: I know honey. It’s scary having to run a zoo. But we’ll make it…together.

(Close up on MATT DAMON’s face as the sun sets behind him. He is proud of his zookeeping/fathering ability. Off-screen, his DAUGHTER is softly weeping. Soundtrack to the Lion King swells.)

Non-human primates, am I right?

(KEVIN JAMES is so, so messed up that he needs romantic advice from the animals in his zoo. Who can talk. If they couldn’t the movie would be weird in an entirely different way.)

KEVIN JAMES: Come on, Lion, should I buy her flowers or not?

LION: Man, I’m just trying to eat my gazelle carcass. I don’t care about flowers.

KEVIN JAMES: Well, what about you, Ape, do you think I should go bow tie or neck tie?

APE: Well, if it were me, I’d show up naked. That way she’ll see my muscles, and know how well I could defend our future offspring.

KEVIN JAMES: Not really an option for me, for a couple reasons. Koala, you’re my last hope: goodnight kiss or no?

KOALA: Only kiss her if she has eucalyptus. Works for me.

KEVIN JAMES: Well, it’s better than what Ape said. 

(Music swells.)