gaylord phoenix

  • Aries: People with your star sign need special ways to relieve stress. We suggest petting cats, bubble baths, and hours of tearful prayer to the Old Gods and self-flagellation.
  • Taurus: So red. Red like pomegranates, like whispered half-promises. Red like pounding hearts, like looking into the sun behind closed eyes. Red like that weird rash you really should get looked at.
  • Gemini: Once again lucky in love this week! You are loved by all! All scorpions that is! Here they come! They all love you! And they all want cuddles!
  • Leo: Literally lions. And by lions we mean tigers. And by tigers we mean bears. And by bears we mean Omaha, Nebraska.
  • Cancer: A part of you will always be with me. Specifically the part I harvested while you slept. You sleep so soundly.
  • Virgo: Test anxiety is very common in Virgos. To prepare for your finals, make sure to appeal to HUNTOKAR! It won't assure you a passing grade, but at least you won't be devoured in a spiraling nether void.
  • Libra: To be honest, aliens are the least of your worries right now.
  • Scorpio: The time to be reborn was yesterday; today, you are new. You are stronger maybe, or a little wiser, or metallic and oblong, or more musical or prone to glowing purple and eating small demons. Embrace this new self.
  • Sagittarius: There isn't a whole lot going on in the stars for you this week, so here's some reading recommendations. The Shadow Hero by Gene Luen Yang is a really good graphic novel that takes a spin on the superhero genre with a Chinese-American protagonist. I'd also suggest Gaylord Phoenix by Edie Fake for psychedelic explorations in gender identity. That should hold you over for a bit.
  • Capricorn: You're moving! Like, physically! All the time, even when you don't think you are! Cultivate stillness through meditation, breathing exercises, and exposing yourself to subzero temperatures.
  • Aquarius: Find your favorite old coat. The one that is tattered and loved to death. Look in the left pocket. You will find a baby gnome. Oh my good, he's so cute.
  • Pisces: Without love, we are like birds with broken wings: ready for sacrifice and consumption.