its been a month

It’s been quite a month. You have been sleeping at my place for the first time. Fun! We had a perfect first sleep-over, just you and me, you went to bed at 8pm and slept till 4.30am. I was awake the whole time, thinking that you would wake up any moment. You are now every Thursday, Friday and every other Sunday at my place, it is great and you are tiring. But I can’t complain. So much respect for your moms by the way.

We are slowly getting adjusted to dividing your time over our places. Lots to figure out: me and our nights and days, your moms having to let you go, you not being breastfed. Your moms and I need to keep communicating all the time to feel safe and close to each other.

In the last month you have grown two teeth, you stared to eat solid food - preferring it over a bottle sometimes even, and you started crawling! You like crawling so much, you laugh a lot with yourself crawling around. Your dad, I, turned 30 last month. We celebrated it in a picturesque museum in Amsterdam, you and I had a big lunch with 30 friends.

Last week I came back from a holiday with my boyfriend, we were in Croatia. I thought about you a lot, but I didn’t miss you too much, I am very secure you have a good time with your moms. 

I ran into a troubled situation in Croatia. On our way to the south, we were heading for Dubrovnik, we had to pass the border with Bosnia. At the border we had to give our passports to the customs officers - the typical question for when you are Dutch came: ‘you are from Amsterdam, do you have Marihuana with you?’ Off course we didn’t. They asked us to put our car at the parking space. There were three customs officers, guys, who started checking our car. ‘Lift your motor-cap. Empty your pockets.’ They checked our entire car and saw that we were traveling with one suitcase. 'Open this’, they said; 'why are you traveling with one suitcase? What are you from each other? You are gay.’ They made it sound like it was the dirtiest thing in the world. Knowing that in countries like these it can save you a lot of problems if you lie, we said: 'no we are just friends’. They stared mocking us, bullying us. They called to their colleagues that we were gay, and laughed at our love for each other. After they all had made fun of us and looked through all our stuff one of the customs officers suggested to the other that we needed to be checked physically. 'Come with us’ they said. 'Stand here. Take off your shoes, socks. Take off your shirt, your pants. Take off your underwear. Turn around. Bend over…

They humiliated us. When they fell they had made fools of us enough we could go. Walking away all I could do was clench my teeth, trying not to scream or cry out of frustration, anger and humiliation. My boyfriend wispered to me when we walked back to the car: 'hold you head up, chin up, dont show them that they hurt us’. 

My sweet girl, it’s a bad world sometimes. I wish forever that you don’t have to feel humiliation or disrespect because of who you are. But know that when you do, all your parents will be here for you.

Safely back in Amsterdam a rainbow awaited us.

moving around

You and me getting more and more time together to move around the city. As you have finally accepted that bottles give milk too, Amsterdam is starting to be our playground.

On a rare sunny Sunday in September (which is also the title of the only children’s song I fully know because my dad used to sing it to me all the time) we got together with some friends. What an amazing day, you, my love and my friends lifted me into cloud nine: this is what life is about.

About those children’s songs: I really cant remember them… So I have days where I just sing ‘who was the boss’ from the Braxtons, or Beyonce 'Partition’ to you the whole day. Not ok.