Dude the mom blackhat hc's are freaking awesome especially the PTA one, so I'm wondering what he would do if he was chaperoning a school field trip, like taking the kids to a zoo or a museum 😊
((So just for the record, I’m gonna try to go through my entire askbox now that finals are over, answering the pre-hiatus ones first. (Thank you for your patience.) on the other hand I’m gonna be stuck on mobile for about a week so please bear with me on any weird formatting or typos. It’s good to be back.))
- “What do you mean you need another chaperone?!?” “Boss please Joey’s mom got sick at the last moment and there aren’t any other volunteers!” “FUCK that, I’m not spending my one chance to have the house to myself on a bus with disgusting children.”
- “………Boss did I mention that we’re going to a museum”
- “FLUG GET MY RANSACKING-SACK, WE’RE GOING LOOTING.”
- congrats flug. on one hand, now the entire class gets to go to the museum. on the other hand, BH is going to pull a heist
- BH shows up in his civilian dad disguise and forces himself through gross pleasantries with the other parents
- “Why yes, Karen, this is a new hat. Thank you for noticing. No Louise, I’ll be happy to take your shift during lunch. It’s not a problem.” (really, it isnt. he has clones ready for this shit)
- “…..helen.” “Mr. Trueba. How, lovely, to see you.” “Really, the honor is mine. It must have taken quite the necromancer to get you out of the crypt this morning.”
- It’s honestly impressive how BH manages to not kill anyone on the bus ride there. especially when Dementia started singing “The Wheels On the Bus”
- They get to the museum in one piece somehow and BH promptly tries to fuck off to do reconnaissance but. Nope. Apparently he has a group of children to lead. Fuck.
- “Alright kids on your left you can see whatever the fuck this piece of shit is supposed to be. And on your left there’s a statue; that’s pretty cool I guess.”
- “People actually PAY for this shit?? –Flug I have an idea holy fuck” “Please don’t tell me you’re gonna say ev–” “EVIL PAINTINGS!!” “…”
- Dementia is literally wearing a child leash so that she doesn’t go run around breaking the expensive things in this museum. 5.0.5 is the one holding the leash. He’s a registered “therapy dog.” Dementia is holding 5.0.5’s leash. Symbiosis at its finest.
- BH sneaks away during lunch, when he promptly makes use of all the intel he’s gained on the museum’s security systems, and casually steals half the art gallery.
- He stores all the stolen art in his pocket’s pocket dimension. Gotta love using the void as a purse.
- so the museum trip goes pretty well, all things considered. It’s the Zoo Incident that’s a disaster.
- It starts off fine enough; 5.0.5 has a lovely time at the butterfly garden and Demencia has looted the gift shop.
BH spends a very long time staring at the squid and octopus exhibits with an odd expression on his face
- But everything goes to shit once they get to the tiger exhibit. BH has been so well-behaved, he can’t just leave without having caused some mayhem. He has a reputation to uphold.
- The victim he chooses is some student who has been tapping on the glass of the various enclosures since the start of the trip. BH can appreciate a good rule-breaker, but not a fucking annoying one. And little Sammy or whoever the fuck is taking the cake.
- So, he does what any respectable person would do. One minute the kid’s yelling for the tiger to “stop being boring and come out of it’s den already”, the next moment he realizes he’s in the exhibit
- BH (and the other students) laugh and watch him run around in circles from an excited-looking tiger. The security team get there before anything can happen, unfortunately. BH and the children collectively groan.
- He gets yelled at later by Helen for “letting a kid get stuck in the tiger cage” but counters that with his own yell about how “a piece of shit brat like that deserved a smaller cage with more tigers.”
- Needless to say, he’s banned from chaperoning. That’s fine. (It was his plan all along). Still, might as well pull one final trick for his last hurrah.
- As the students make their way back to the busses, BH casually snaps his fingers. On cue, every single lock on the animal enclosures open at once.
- “What was that?” “Oh, nothing. Probably. Let’s just get onto the bus. Now.”