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The Booth: Bound for Glory 2011

The Booth is a new conversation-style piece for Fair to Flair. In each series, two (or more!) members of Fair to Flair will discuss a wrestling match (or show), a character, or a movement, often in long, excruciating detail. For our first official entrant, Garcian Smith and K Sawyer Paul discuss TNA’s 2011 Bound For Glory, a show that gave us lots to talk about.

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Sunday Afternoon Smackdown (2/3/11)

Welcome to Sunday Afternoon Smackdown on Sunday After Friday!  It’s our two week anniversary, and like a psychotic romantic partner, I ask you where is my present? Say you love me!

Sunday Afternoon Smackdown downs the smack in our trademark WOO! vs BOO! format.  Everything “WOO!” made me hear voices in my head in the voice of Ric Flair, while everything “BOO!” filled my head with the sound of WRESTLER DELETED reciting poetry to Raven.  

WOO!

SHEAMUS EXERCISES HIS BULLY DEMONS/THE NEAR ASSASSINATION OF THEODORE LONG BY THE COWARD MARK HENRY

Bully demons is a fun concept all on it’s own.  It sounds like what Kane would be if he stalked Zack Ryder to stuff him into various lockers instead of trying to fist his mouth.

Sheamus certainly has a score to settle with Mark Henry, and like Triple H before him, he wrapped up months of history with one finisher. He didn’t talk too much, he didn’t break out a bunch of green blarney stones, he just kicked that dude in the face.  Those are the best Sheamus moments. When I saw Sheamus kick Lucky Cannon in the face.  When he kicked John Cena in the face.  When he kicked Hornswoggle in the face.  

My only regret is that Mark Henry didn’t eat Teddy right there in the ring.  Seriously, it needed to rain pain.  Not only can he not understand mathematics, keeping him on par with Scott Steiner, but he’s out of the Elimination Chamber!  

Sheamus looks like a beast right now.  Henry exploded on that kick, I thought stuffing was going to burst from his face.  

Stuffing is blood in the PGverse.

So who is going to be in the Chamber Match now?  The Great Kahli.  That’s the best Smackdown can do right now.  Seriously.  The next guy on the rung would be Ted DiBiase.  Can Christian come back from injury and take his spot please?  ONE MORE MATCH!

I had to take a look at the roster pages to make sure I was right on about the problem on Smackdown.  Also, looking at RAW, it seems we’re still paying Mason Ryan money.  He should really be moved to Smackdown to confuse Booker T.  Or maybe…ugh, you know, it’s easier to just say Mason Ryan sucks.

In all seriousness, Sheamus is going to have to become an actually interesting and likable character outside of bicycle kicks and lifting Finlay’s moveset, (celtic cross now!), because I just watched Edge/Jericho Mania 26 again, and there aren’t many ways to build a good program around a finishing move.

Also, I’m pretty sure most people don’t know what Brogue means.

TEDDY LONG DOESN’T WATCH HIS OWN SHOW

This is a minor WOO! for Teddy, because he mentioned to Drew Mac that predictable television is no good.

I feel like this is a low hanging fruit, but I’ll take a shot anyway.  Let’s try to work through all the predictable things in WWE right now and maybe we’ll have a clear understanding of how The Character Teddy Long feels about WWE TV.

  • John Cena: Winning
  • (4 Superstars + Opening Segment) X Teddy Long = TAG MATCH PLAYA
  • KEVIN NASH is going to EXPLAIN HIS ACTIONS and BE OLD and TAKE THE PROGRAM NOWHERE
  • People wrestling
  • YOU PEOPLE
  • Longest Running Weekly Episodic
  • Something racist
  • Something sexist
  • Sugar
  • Spice
  • Everything Nice
  • These are the ingredients to create the perfect little girls

Seriously, you can make a bingo board.  It gets so repetitive, it tampers with your memory.  2002/2003, in my head, feels like Groundhog Day, where I wake up every day expecting Triple H to lose the title only to see that he’s in the ring again talking about his dick and genes for thirty minutes.

EPICO Y PRIMO LLEVAN PONCHOS

Those ponchos are awesome.  Like, not really, because they have their names in Bad Tattoo Font, but the fact that they would rather people see their names and merch over those science museum souvenir belts says a lot for their characters.  Which is great, they should do more things like that, because their spokesperson is Rosa Mendes, who can’t say anything.  I mean, her hips always tell the truth, but it’s nothing I can understand.

Also, that backstabber variant is sick.  I really hope Primo has a nice, tidy little career.  And you know, doesn’t get on drugs or hire a guy to stab John Cena.  

Also, Rosa should blow more kisses.  In a Maryse-free world, I am missing the one taunt that causes me to say uncomfortably perverted things outloud to people reading me on the internet.

BIG IS A FAILURE WHO RAN OVER DANIELSON’S MEAT FLAVORED GIRLFRIEND

It’s really hard to do SD reviews because nothing happens.  You can literally never watch Smackdown ever and never miss anything except Randy Orton doing jumping splits and making weirder faces than Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and if you’re on tumblr you don’t even miss that.  Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett are spinning wheels and everyone else is just sort of punching each other.

So in a world of nothing, Daniel Bryan has finally made himself out to be a something.  He makes Smackdown, at least his parts, must see TV.  And sure, nothing is still happening, but it’s like Austin Aries on WCW Thunder, he just says amazing things and then has a great match sometimes.  Danielson has been so on fire that for once his wrestling is secondary.  He’s almost at a point now where if he wanted to, he could just get beat up the whole match like a Flair/Hennig fusion monster and not lose a step.  He just keeps poking the bear, he knows he’s right, and he doesn’t care what happens to him as long as he has the strap.  

The other best part is that Danielson made it more than clear that Big Show is the only person he’s really concerned about right now.   And then, to top it all off, AJ came out.  Now I have this really great feeling that AJ can become Daniel’s villainous hench-wife.  We can dress her up like Talia al Ghul and she can drop kick people in the balls.  

BOO!

IN ADDITION TO BEING BAD AT HIS JOB, BOOKER T IS ALSO SEXIST

I’m tired of all this nonsense about Michael Cole being eliminated “by a girl”.  Kong is a female, yes, but she’s also bigger than most guys.  Bigger than me at least.  She mashes her own potatoes with her fist.  She can stop speeding bullets with a headbutt.  She was in a match a month after giving birth to a baby that will probably be choking snake’s to death in it’s crib like god damn Hercules and all you guys can do is sit behind your desk and go “lol women”.  

Also, major kudos go to Ziggler for making the effort to make everyone look good, including a “Diva”.  Probably because Ziggler does business.  I was going to call him professional, but he models his life after pornstars and makes obnoxious twitter posts.  Still, he never called anybody by any slurs on Twitter like a certain person who is undefeated at WrestleMania.

Not Taker of course.  Taker’s in character twitter feed would probably be a lot of ellipsis.   It will read like the script of a brooding Final Fantasy character.

PHYSICAL COMEDY IS RUINING MY LIFE

I’m not sure why this is happening with Nattie.   It’s telegraphed now.  She says that she feels it in her gut, and then boom.  Fart.  I’m not sure if this is actually a gimmick.  I guess it could be in the same why “eye twitching” and “lisping” and “murdering fetuses” is a gimmick.  You have to understand, I already said that like 4 things happen on Smackdown, and when one of those things is farting, it leaves me with little else to work with.  The RAW review wasn’t up, so I posted unopposed, and I still lose in quality comparison.  

I’m not against physical comedy, but there is no precedent in the character or appearance of Nattie for it to be happening.  Chris Farley was fat and oafish, so he would fall on tables.  Unless I’m missing something about Nattie’s connection to her father, there is no reason we should be having 90 second diva matches, farting capable wrestlers and women who think it’s cool to wear a whole fox carcass on their head.

With that in mind, I am not touching the Kahli or Hacksaw stuff.  I don’t have it in me mentally.  Kane has really got me embracing the hate right now.

Logan Stallings wishes more things happened on Smackdown, or at least that Thunder was still going.  Edited by K Sawyer Paul.