garagae

Ace, Andy, Kena, and Vic’s Danatole Kid Hcs

@melchirits

* THE KIDS
* * helo naught xhildern, it’s danatole child time
* THE KIDS: Fyodor(Theo) and Lucette (Lucy) Dolokhov-Kuragin
* Dickle
* every close friend/relative gets One Name to suggest
* all of them are really good and considerate…………..until they go to balaga, a family friend
* they tell balaga that he has One Chance……. And the name he choses is dickle
* “ok balaga you have one shot at this, don’t fuck it up”
* “ok ok hear me out. dickle.”
* anatole is dying
* dolokhov is having a heart attack in the background, im fucking wheeding
* “ok but give me at least three chances”
* “hear me out: succulent butterfly or FUCKING NUTMOBILE” “why’d you scream the second one?” “Because it should be in all caps” “get the fuck out”
* “you had one chance, WE’RE NOT NAMING OUR GOTDAM SON DICKLE”
* “but can the middle names spell dickle, what about troika”
* “balaga please get out of our house it’s midnight”
* “how about pikachu. Or ash ketchum.”
* fedya, screaming from the background, heart attack paused: “YES”
“i think i thought of the perfect name” balaga literally gets to anatole’s height by climbing him and whispers, “the loud THX noise from that one movie.”[a]
* “name the child the THX noise” “balaga,,,,its been four days please leave”
* he Won’t give up
* Other balaga recommendations:
* FUCKING NUTMOBILE
* lucas steele, and variants
* paul pinto
* razor boy
* succulent
* marvin
* paul pinto in khakis
* lucifer
* succulent butterfly
* lampost
* trash can
* naruto
* pikachu
* ash ketchum
* kukas steeke
* THX noise
* fursuit
* (anatole kicks him out after that one)
* ALSO
* “fedya you are the father”
* “so are you”
* “oh shit true”
* the first child (theo) grows up and learns that they were literally almost named fucking nutmobile and is ready to deck both balaga and their dads
* balaga is like “im gonna teach your kid how to drive”
* anatole astral projects while Everyone it holding fedya back from destroying balaga
* balaga teaches the kid how to drive anyway bc fedya and anatole can’t stop him
* so the kid gets pulled over by a cop the first time they drive (w/balaga) bc of course
* the police person is just like “I KNOW YOU” and balaga screams “FLOOR IT”
* “green means go, red also means go probably, yellow means speed up”
* “balaga why is my kid crying” “,,,,,,,,,,reasons”
* balaga calls theo dickle forever bc he can
* Lucy has Fedya’s Determination and she does everything balaga does better
* balaga cries into a wine bottle on the pavement
* “balaga eating saltines and chugging wine on the sidewalk”~Quote from Ace
* one time balaga takes lucy out for night lessons
* fedya wakes up as this is happening and has a panic attack because “where is our kid oh dear god”
* he literally sprints out into the driveway and balaga screams “FUCKING FLOOR IT” and lucy’s doing all sorts of pro maneuvers
* while balaga ends up hanging on for dear life because “oh so this is what it’s like to be my passenger”
* “lucy lucifer”
* balaga has a corkboard full of parking tickets he never paid, he hoards them like trophies
* (balaga voice) speed limit 420 haha nice

* “Balaga that says 42,,,”
* “if i put four engines in my car,,,”
* balaga owns a school bus that’s decked out like a monster truck
* balaga works for uber AND lyft, like a double agent
* one time he gets an uber and lyft at the same time so hes like fuck it and gets them both
* fuzzy dice on rearview mirror
* balaga’s car is named nutmobile & it has a nut sticker
* balaga sleeps in his car in a walmart parking lot at night??
* on lucy’s first birthday balaga teaches lucy how to say fuck and fedya decks him in the street
* balaga picks lucy up from school or something one day and he saw her and just yelled “HEY LUCIFER”
* lucy whips around like YEAH FUCKASS WHAT DO YOU WANT, she was like 14
* BALAGA IS LITERALLY AT ANATOLE AND FEDYAS HOUSE ALK THE TINE AND HE IS JUST YELLING LUCIFER ALL GHE TIME AND FEDYA ID LIKE SHUT THE FUCK UP BALAGA
* balaga runs like naruto
* balaga was the babysitter literally all the time
* balaga worked as a gym teacher for a month before getting fired
* (“what’d he get fired for?” “nothing you can prove”) ~Andy and Ace
* someone else parks in his parking spot and he just keys the car
* balaga worked as a librarian for two hours before being fired for telling the kids to shut the fuck up
* balaga never gets fired from uber no matter what
* Review: 5/5. Almost died but i got to my destination, 30 minutes away, in 2 minutes.
* “LUCY, HYPERDRIVE”
* balaga has completely taken over anatole & fedya’s garage
* they try to walk in one time like “is this is fucking dead rat” and he shoots them with a paintball gun and says “no this is covfefe”
* Balaga goes as a gc egg shaker for halloween w the kids
* “No you just hear the beads and then theres tiny egg man” ~Kalvin
* “yeah the guy who lives in our garage uhhhh tiny egg man” ~Theo
* lucy draws balaga and he says “hell yeah fanart,” hangs it up on like the ceiling of his car
* when lucy and theo play mario kart she always chooses rainbow road
* chooses monopoly for Family Game Night
* “lucy please we’ve been playing for three days” “no it’s blond dad’s turn”
* anatole’s dying on the floor, fedya’s crying, theo’s dissociating
* theo’s a hide and seek master

*They watch Buzzfeed Unsolved
* lucy & theo go ghost hunting, lucy’s humming the ghostbusters theme and theo’s shaking like a leaf in the corner with ten vials of holy water on him
* “hey demons it’s me, ya boi” “LUCY NO”
* “COME AT ME DEMONS!” “L U C Y P L E A S E”
* Theo is Dipper Pines
* lucy is always ready to Deck People (kalvin style)
* lucy has a pokeball in her backpack to throw at people she doesnt like
* the guys at school call her “hellraiser” and the girls call her “lucifer”
* theo and lucy are Not Straight in the slightest
* lucy is pan, theo is gay & ace, & also trans
* lucy makes so many innuendos she got detention multiple times because of it
* theo can play literally any instrument and spent his money on bookfairs in elementary school
* Theo knows that anybody who plays violin is a basic bitch so he plays viola instead
* “Fyodor jr.!” “Sorry dad, you’re basic.” ~Convo with Anatole
* theo quickly become better at gambling than fedya, it switches from fedya letting him win to him actually getting demolished, fedya cries
* lucy does the thing where it looks like you’re doing ballet but then you go over to someone and kick them in the face
* lucy literally carries around a bag of glitter to throw on people when they say/do something stupid
* lucy’s ringtone is the THX noise and it’s always so fucking loud
* ippolit kuragin is the cool uncle but also cryptid
* is a fashion designer in NY apparently
* unrelated: (dolokhov voice) me me big anxiety
* theo stans all the murder musicals
* also is totally straight for phillipa soo
* also stans all things LMM
* lucy’s contact pick for Blond Dad is That anatole pic
* lucy is team valor and theo is team instinct
* fedya’s valor, anatole’s mystic (prettiest logo???), balaga’s instinct
* everyone outs poor anatole for being on team mystic
* “so uh anatole what team did you pick?” “mystic” “oh because they’re smart and stuff–” “no, they’re the most aesthetic
* the kids are highkey competitive about pokemon
* anatole does that thing where he does 600000 soft restarts to get a shiny starter
* he REALLY LOVES alolan vulpix!!
* lucy has an embarrassing collection of photos of anatole
* Balaga insists on giving the kids The Talk
* theo didn’t talk for a week after but it could have gone much worse
* someone: so how’d It Go?
* theo, shaking, looking up with the purest fear in his eyes: it could have been worse
* balaga teaches theo to curse
* also, someone @ theo : “fuck, i mean shoot! im so sorry!!”
theo, drinking a glass of vodka: what the fuck you can swear around me i literally fuckimg 21 years old what the shit
* theo, quietly: in the heights is better than hamilton
* lucy, a floor down: EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME
* once lucy asked balaga “hey do you sell drugs”
* and balaga was like “no why, do you need them? bc i can get you them”
* everyone sees theo as the calm kid, but if you talk shit about his family he Will duel you in a denny’s parking lot @ 3am hamilton style
* there’s always the option to go live in the garaga with balaga
* Theo’s secret dating the Andreirretasha kid, Nico(lai)
* They are the cutest couple™
* Okay some Mama Helene™ bs
* Helene was the mom, Fedya was the dad
* “Helene and Dolokhov arm-in-arm,”
* Lucy looks like a mini Helene, Theo looks like a mini Fedya
* The only difference between Helene and Lucy is while Helene has the green-hairpiece-thing, Lucy wears a mauve bow
* On Lucy’s fourteenth bday, Helene bent down to eye-level, look soulfully into her eyes, and said this:
* “Lucy, as my daughter, i feel as if you should have this..”
* It’s a necklace that says “Bitch”
* Lucy was 13 when she started her drunk text collection
* On Lucy’s 16 bday, helene gave her her most prized possession
* “Lucy, I want you to have this, I was going to give it to you later in life, but you’ve come so far already..”
* She pulls out a book from her purse, written in fancy calligraphy on it are the words “Burn Book”
* “Lucy this is everything that someone i know has done wrong, treat it with care…”
* It was one of the only times lucy has ever cried
* You bet your ass there’s an entire section dedicated to Anatole
* “Anatole, age 1-6, Anatole, Age 7-10, Anatole, Age 11-13, Anatole, Age 14-18, etc”
* Theres even some stuff about Cryptid-Uncle-Ippolit
* “Hey dad? Remember when you and uncle Pierre tied to guy to a bear for shits and giggles?”
* Theo is on the spectrum
* Helene got him a fidget cube
* He and Lucy do sibling costumes
* Theo is a gangly mess of limbs like how does the kid function
* Theo was cis-passing when he started dating Nico
* When he told him he was trans, Nico just shrugged and kissed him alot
* Yeah so I love these kids and might write a fic

ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND THE FUCKING WATER SYSTEM IN MY HOUSE JUST EXPLODED IN MY GARAGE AND I HAD GO RESCUE IT AND TURN IF OFF I FELT LIKE SOME WATER SUPER HERO AND THE WHOLE GARAGAE IS FLOODED AND THE WATER WAS EXPLODING INTO MY FACE AND INTO MY EYES WHILE I WAS TRYING TO SAFE EVERYTHING AND NOW MY WHOLE BODY IS DRENCHED AND ITS 1:35AM AND IM VERY STRESSED