game red

so i played skyrim tonight, and i thought i’d tell an important story about my journeys:

i was mostly wandering around minding my own business when i came upon whiterun stables and guys - listen. i found the most beautiful perfect horse i’d ever seen. majestic, beautiful, immaculate. i had to have him. so i figured - hey, i took long enough getting here, it’s the middle of the night, no one’s gonna see if i take this horse, right?

this was my first mistake.

so i hop on the horse. i press the big glaring red STEAL button and get my ass on the horse. perfect. 50 bounty from whiterun - well, no plan is ever perfect. and we start walking along - and who runs up to me, but a whiterun guard. “you have committed crimes against skyrim and her people” - he’s very upset. well holy shit! i didn’t think anyone saw me, but you know what, good sir, here, i’ll pay the fine -

“we’ll take your stolen goods, and - “

no. this simply won’t do. i come out of the keep, scheming. i must acquire my horse again.

so i go back to the stables, steal the horse again. it’s the same horse, of course it is, because he’s flawless and gallant and waited for me.

but then - again - the guard, crimes against skyrim and her people - well you know what sir, a cat-man’s pride for his perfect and beautiful horse is not a crime. so i hop off my perfect horse, and get my Destruction ready. i’m going to give this guard what-for. of course, in the process, i accumulate 1000 bounty from whiterun.

well, fuck. this, probably, could be considered mistake number two. i get on the horse again. +50 bounty from whiterun, but in the face of killing that guard, honestly, who’s going to notice one stolen horse? i press the big red STEAL button again.

“alright, RED STEEL,” i tell the horse, “from now on, you and i are fugitives.”

RED STEEL, noble and awe-inspiring steed, and i walk for a very, very, very long time. we can never go back. but - you guys, i found out something else about RED STEEL that made it all worth it:

well, of course. he can fly. my incredible, unkillable, righteous RED STEEL.

look at him, as majestic and all-powerful and graceful as i always knew him to be.

so - did i commit crimes against skyrim and her people? yes. yes, i did. but in doing so, i made an unforgettable friend, and a powerful ally. so was it worth it?

i’ll let you be the judge.

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