Today, I fucked up by trusting my friends with my food.
Obligatory that this did not happen today, but during last summer.
I was over at my friend’s house hanging with my buddies. One of our friends being the nice guy he was brought us over Chipotle burritos and we were all eating and watching Esports and shit, getting rowdy watching the TSM match. Just when the game is getting good I decide to go to the bathroom quickly. Here comes the first part of the fuck up.
I left and these cunts decided to put Ghost pepper sauce in my burrito. (My buddy had it in his house because he was gunna have a bet with us to see who could drink some then go the longest without saying uncle and drinking milk.) Now, I’ll be honest, I’m a complete bitch when it comes to spice. I cannot handle much.
So I come back to my freaking burrito and take a huge bite, I chew, swallow and all the sudden I feel like Satan just took a shit in my mouth and the power of ONE THOUSAND MOTHER FUCKING SUNS IGNITES IN MY MOUTH. It hurts just thinking about it…
then my friend, trying to be a nice guy is like, “Don’t worry OP! We got milk!” And proceeds to run to the fridge and grab a gallon as my 4 other friends are literally in tears from laughter. He comes back with 2 jugs of milk and I swiftly drink the first gallon down in about 10 minutes, and was about ½ way through the second when it hits me…
I’M FUCKING LACTOSE INTOLERANT.
Legit man. FML. My asshole felt like pure fucking lava out of god damn Mordor was streaming out of it that night.
I'mma have trust issues over this shit. (No pun intended…) Guar-fucking-anteed.