which character should you fight (ft. Gen 1 FE:A dudes)

Chrom
Winner: You
look at this guy. look at his fashion choices. look at his nerd-ass lying on the ground in the smash trailer. someone needs to set this boy right. you may incur the wrath of everyone you dont want to fight but hey. do it for us. do it for all of humanity. (warning: he may try to marry you after. or before. or during.)

Frederick
Winner: who do you fuckin think
why would you even think about fighting frederick why would that thought ever cross your mind i mean 1. have you seen him. he has grown ass men and seasoned warriors on their knees praying, tears or sweat - fuck if they know - dripping down their faces just from his workouts. he’s the one who has to carry the bullshit of an entire kingdom, including his lords. 2. it was his ass that carried your slovenly ass through the first four chapters of lunatic/+ so how about you show some fucking respect. get fredereckt

Virion
Winner: You
are you kidding me? punch him in the crumpet. take his tea and pour it out in front of him. you get some on your clothes? no problem, rip his godforsaken cravat off and mop it up. if you’re a girl you might get away with it. otherwise he might fuck you up. who cares, it’s worth it.

Stahl
Winner: Stahl
fighting him will accomplish nothing. you’ll go up to him all ready for a tussle and he’ll glance over at you with a sleepy lopsided grin and a “oh hey, what’s up?” and that’s it. you’re done. you’ll lose all will to fight. his chill is contagious. and if you do somehow retain your fighting spirit? he’ll knock you flat on your ass. probably apologize too. it’ll be embarrassing for both of you. i mean the dude was trained by frederick after all. but i mean he’ll probably help you up and offer you food so idk. if you’re starving go for it.

Vaike
Winner: 50/50
look, i know what you’re thinking. look at all those muscles. the dude is ripped. fight him anyway. do it. he’ll probably forget his axe somewhere so you probably wont die. fuck him up. someone has to for the abomination that is “teach just got tenure.” Let him atone.

Lon’qu
Winner: Depends
If you aren’t a girl, you will be sliced into pieces so thin tharja might mistake you for her mesh body suit. if you are…. i mean you can try, but he’ll run. you can win if your cardio is good enough. go. chase him. Be Free.

Ricken
Winner: You
okay he’s the nerdiest of nerds but he’s also a fucking child so. idk man you can fight him if you want but what’s the point. if anything getting beat up by you will fuel his teenage rage and he’ll keep it stewing inside himself until he’s big enough to fight back and then you’ll have to deal with years of pent of rage and a napoleon complex but on a full sized being and no one wants to play therapist in a scrap. it just isnt worth it. i mean unless you’re like itachi uchiha then by all means go ahead

Gaius
Winner: You, but only with careful planning
ok so gaius isnt the toughest cookie, but he doesnt want to fight and he has access to the assassin class and i dont know about you but in my experience fighting assassins is no bueno. you get one punch in maybe if you’re lucky and take them by surprise but then youre dead and you cant fight for shit anymore. BUT if you take all his candy, his blood sugar will get low, making him weak and agitated. this is the optimal time to fight him. make sure he knows you’re the one who stole his candy. make sure he can smell the sugar on your breath. note: he may not spare your life if he gets the upper hand.

Gregor
Winner: Gregor, but you win friendship
i’ll be frank, gregor will beat the everloving shit out of you and there is nothing you can do about it should you choose to fight him. he’ll do it laughing and smiling, not even realizing he broke three of your frail ribs with one pulled punch. but he will absolutely take you out for a round after and exchange drunken stories with you. so fight him. even if he refuses, pay him to fight you. he cant say no to money and nothing is more valuable than fire-forged friendships.

Libra
Winner: Libra
why the fuck do you want to fight the priest. fuck fine, you know what? fight him. see what happens. he’s the only one who will pray for your immortal soul while you bleed out. but guess what, jackass? the gods are gonna see you tried to fight a priest and they’re gonna send your ass to the void anyway

Henry
Winner: ???
man fuck i dunno what this guy’s deal is. on one hand he’s a dark mage genius who was raised by wolves and then sent to a horrific boarding school/orphanage making him literally the stuff horror films are made of. on the other he can be a pretty nice guy if you’re his friend and he’s kinda fucked up so he might let you win. his crows will probably peck you to death either way though so its a lose-lose situation.

Basilio
Winner: Basilio
same deal as gregor, except basilio is hard-mode. he might accidentally kill you while you fight and his friendship is an even rarer flower. you gotta be charming. you gotta be smart. you gotta be somewhat strong. but if you do manage to get your ass beat and stay alive in such a way that he wants to grab a pint with you, take that beautiful budding friendship, hold it close to your breast and never let go

Donnel
Winner: You
he’s by far the sorriest character you get at recruitment. if it weren’t for that pot on his head, a feather falling too hard could kill him. but he’s a farmer that works day in and day out just so his village can survive. do you really want to fight the paradigm of the wondrous and wholesome rural life we should all aspire to? you capitalist pig.

i hope i didn’t forget anyone