Inspired by none other than Troye Sivan.
One look, dark room
Meant just for you
Time moved too fast
You played it back
Buttons on a coat
No proof not much
But you saw enough
The first time Troye ever saw the way Connor looked at him was in a crowded place. It was during one of their nights out at a party a few months back with some of their friends, and Troye was seemed to be downing one drink after another that particular night.
“Slow down there, big boy,” Sam, their mutual friend, chided playfully at Troye who was at his fifth drink. This gesture was accompanied by a squeeze on Troye’s shoulder, which caused Connor’s heart to feel like it was actually being kicked about in his chest. He was jealous all right, jealous that someone else could touch Troye, tease Troye in public, and it wasn’t him – just because he wasn’t out yet to anyone outside his close circle of friends and didn’t want anyone else to notice. He caught himself biting his nails as he thought multiple times during the night about how unfair it was that this other dude was flirting with the guy he liked and that Troye didn’t seem to mind it at all.
Troye was standing directly across the bar table from Connor, and was surprised to catch his friend just gazing at him a few times throughout the night. He was drunk for sure, but not too drunk to not notice the way the other boy looked at him before quickly shifting his gaze elsewhere, almost as if he was embarrassed at getting caught.
Troye was drunk and mostly flirting back at Sam, but little did Connor know that he was also stealing glances at him whenever he could. Little did Connor know that Troye definitely noticed the way he was staring at his moving lips. For some reason, realizing this and watching the other boy back from his peripheral vision made his heart beat faster than the beat of the music blasting at the party.
At the end of their night, Connor made a point to accompany the drunker, younger boy up to his hotel room, worried that he would crash on the floor somewhere if he didn’t.
“Are you all right Troye boy, do you need anything else?” Connor asked as the boy landed safely on his bed.
“Yes…can you help me get out of my coat pleeaaasssse?” The words slurred out with a silly smile on his face.
Connor sighed but couldn’t help laughing at the boy as he headed over to the bed to help him. Their fingers brushed as Connor took over Troye’s fumbling attempts at unbuttoning his coat, and Troye comments “Your hands are so warm Connor, you are so warm…” before breaking out in a fit of giggles. To this Connor’s face flushed bright red, and this only sent Troye in another laughing fit when he noticed.
“There, all done,” Connor said as he helped Troye shrug the coat off. “Goodnight, Troye, I’m going off now.”
It wasn’t until Connor left the room that he whispered back “Goodnight,” and thought about the way Connor looked at him that night until he drifted off to sleep. He thought, there’s definitely something here.
Small talk, he drives
Coffee at midnight,
The light reflects
The chain on your neck
He says look up
And your shoulders brush
No proof, one touch
You felt enough
Flash forward to a few months after that night, their gazes, gestures and hugs grow more and more intense, and they both knew – and kind of acknowledged, briefly – that they were indeed more than close friends. Others would undoubtedly call it dating, but they were both too scared to put a label on it; they enjoyed each other’s company, but didn’t want to rush into anything for fear that it might taint the dynamics they had at present.
That time Troye stayed in LA, he stayed for close to a month, leaving him and Connor to sneak in a lot of time to spend with each other in between work and meetings. They had talks, random coffee runs at different times of the day, and lots of chances to just be close to each other. At the time, it was enough.
You can hear it in the silence, silence
You can feel it on the way home, way home
You can see it with the lights out, lights out
You’re in love, true love
You are in love
It wasn’t until it was time for Troye to go home that they felt the heaviness of being apart truly weighing down on them. Their drive to the airport was filled with silence; all that they had to say before parting had been said the night before. They lay side by side in the dark on Connor’s bed, both staring up at the ceiling. Connor was going through his schedule for the next few days, reminding Troye of when he was free to Skype and when he was not. He rambled on, unaware that Troye was only half listening, and was preoccupied with something else in his head.
Troye caught Connor off-guard when he suddenly turned his body to face Connor’s and laced his fingers into the older boy’s hand. Connor turned his body as well to meet Troye’s and whispered, “Hi, what’s wrong?”
“I love you…Connor I’m in love with you.” He blurted. It was the first time he’d actually said it. It was different from texting, different from the sweet thank you’s and you make me happy and even his I love you too’s when Connor says it first. Because he was sure that this was the real thing, there was no mistake that he was in love with Connor fucking Franta and he couldn’t take it back even if he wanted to.
And this time Connor responded with “Tro, I’m in love with you too,” and Troye knew that this too was different from all the times Connor has told him that he loved him.
Morning, his place
Burnt toast, Sunday
You keep his shirt
He keeps his word
Goodbyes only became harder each time and it felt like Connor had just landed in Australia before it was time to leave again. Sydney had been bliss, but Perth was perfect. Sleeping in Troye’s bed, and then waking up to the sound of Mama Mellet cooking up breakfast was perfect. It was so goddamn hard for Connor to leave then.
“I miss you already, I miss your stupid flat hair, I miss your stupid face…heck I’ll miss your smell,” Connor chuckled before adding, “You and your smelly sweaters.”
“Take it with you then,” Troye took off his BUTTER GOODS sweater and threw it in his boyfriend’s face.
“No, no, it’s too obvious! I’d like something more me, please,” Connor pleaded sweetly while reaching over with the intention of planting kisses on his Tro’s bare stomach. However he was cut off as Troye pushed him away and headed to his closet to get out his maroon sweater.
“Perfect.” Connor smiled a little too widely.
And for once you let go
Of your fears and your ghosts
One step, not much, but it said enough
You kissed on sidewalks
You fight and you talk
One night he wakes, strange look on his face
Pauses, then says, you’re my best friend
And you knew what it was, he is in love
“I’m bored, ConNOR,” Troye exclaimed at Connor and kicked his sides with his right foot. Laptop time on Connor’s couch was fine, but this was the first, and also one of the very few nights Troye gets to spend in LA with his boyfriend, and Troye couldn’t help but feel restless at the thought of not doing much to commemorate it.
Connor looked up to meet Troye’s eyes and instantly understood how serious he was being.
“Okay get up you twink we’re going somewhere!”
“ConNOR where are we goingggg,” Troye whined as he got dragged by the hand out of Connor’s apartment, but he knew that there was little point asking.
Connor only stopped when they reached an empty sidewalk not very far from the apartment, and he let go of Troye’s hand, only to move his grip; one hand in his hair and the other on his shoulder. Connor started closing the distance between them, only to be disrupted.
“What the FUCK, Connor? Someone could see us,” Troye hissed, confused. But Connor knew that the younger boy was just worried for him, not being out and it being his neighbourhood.
“Tro, listen, I don’t care,” a smile creeped up his face, “You wanted to do something…and I know you’ve always wanted to kiss freely in public so I thought why…not…kiss…me…in…public?” Connor stepped forward to meet Troye with each of those last few words.
“You DICK.” Troye leaned in to meet his lips to Connor’s and they stood there kissing, for what felt like ages before they walked hand in hand back home.
That night, Connor tugged on Troye beside him, until he woke up.
“What’s wrong, Connor, have you even slept yet?” Connor shook his head and whispered, “I’m ready, Troye. I’m ready to come out.”
Troye smiled, sensing that the amazing kiss they had earlier had something to do with it.
So it goes
You two are dancing in a snow globe, round and round
And he keeps the picture of you in his office downtown
You understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars
And why I’ve spent my whole life trying to put it into words
And Connor knew he had nothing to fear any more, he was in love with life and in love with his best friend and felt so goddamn free as he made his way to the airport, Sydney bound.