gah this came out so bad


I’m not awake this morning. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and I’m dealing with my emotions now.

There won’t be a queue today. I meant to get so much done this weekend but my niece was over and Mom was sabotaging my diet. So I got very little done. gah. But I got to watch the new Beauty and the Beast. It made me smile like the 6 year old girl (almost 7) I was when the animated version came out.

Personal Issue #1 (Medical and Family) - My dad was tested for lung cancer last week. The docs still don’t really know what the “growth” on his lung is. The good news is they don’t think it’s cancer. The bad news he still has to have surgery to remove it to know for sure. It will put strain on him physically of course. But it will also put strain on his job. He’s not supposed to lift anything for 8 weeks. He’s a plumber. My dad sees the surgeon today so we will see. Furthermore, I will likely have a procedure on my right eye next March/April in hope to repair a dystrophic cornea.

Personal Issue #2 (current relationship)- I spent Saturday evening with my FWB, Lefty. I had an epiphany that I wouldn’t be dealing with his shit if I was younger. Realizing some of it could be more compassion in my part. But it’s more that I’m literally and fully doing as Titus Andromedon said and “making like a 30 year old single girl and settle”. Lots of feelings on that including the feeling that I don’t fit in with my peers yet again because I'm unmarried and childless.

Personal Issue #3 (past relationship) - My first bf/first love and I decided to keep in touch recently after not talking for years. When I asked about his relationship status in April, he said “I’ve been a relationship for some time now (with an Asian girl…)”. I had a gut feeling it was more than a gf/bf “relationship." So I put on my stalker cap and found out recently that he's been married 3 years in November and has a 1 and a half year old son. It actually wasn’t as hard to find the info as I thought (I found an Amazon wedding registry and his wife’s FB profile).  Anyway, last night this married man and father text me to talk dirty to his ex gf. I wasn’t having it. Luckily, he picked up on it quickly. I just ended it with "it’s not fair to your ‘relationship’ and it’s not fair to me.” I never heard back and I don’t expect to. Feelings on this as well. I feel sad that all he wanted was sex/dirty talk from me. But I feel strong that I was able to tell him nicely to fuck off.

Issue #4 - Political and social turmoil and the implications of having a history degree and being an empath. I try to stay out of politics on all social media. But in short, history truly does repeat itself and we are in a very scary time.

Anyway, my relationship troubles are just story fuel. Good news is I see my therapist on Wednesday. But I hope for the queue to be back up tomorrow.

Best wishes.