g:b

To my group of friends:

I’m sorry for being such a horrible friend. I’m sorry for being so unstable; I must seem like I just don’t care for you guys. If I am honest, I feel lonely with you guys there. You have each other, but I feel like I’m not included. It’s almost like I’m just a spectator who gets to say a few words, and even though you guys tell me your deepest fears and dreams, I still somehow feel bitterly excluded. 

I admit I’m not perfect. I’m depressed. I’m anxious. I’m insecure in every way possible. I’m picky and I don’t like to talk when I get sulky. I am, if anything, a detriment to the mood when we’re all together.

But it’s because I care that I leave so much. I don’t want you guys to become awkwardly dampened by my mood so I leave. I care so I don’t talk a lot in case I let something offensive or hurtful slip. I care so I carry those random cough drops and Motrin for you in case you’re hurt. I love you guys a lot, but I’m not comfortable there, so please don’t forget about me if I just stop hanging out completely but talk to me sometimes. 

From your moody raincloud 

b,

you still ignite every part of me and i feel like i can finally admit that i will keep choosing you over and over again. i just don’t know how to tell her. fuck, i miss you.

by the time this gets posted, if it gets posted, i hope that i will have found myself in a much better place than i am right now.

c

Dear Benjamin,

You asked for someone to tell you it’s going to be all right: good news! It’s going to be all right.

You mentioned your age a lot in your letter. Being 13 is hard enough even without having to deal with what you’re dealing with, so rest assured that you’re stronger than you think you are. It sounds like you have already taken many positive steps on the road to self healing, and you are trying to surround yourself with people who love you.

I’m an old person compared to you (I’m 24), and while age is scary, it has led me to understand the following:

-You’re 13. This means that from here on out, your world is only going to get bigger. And while that means you will meet many more people like that girl who treats you so badly at school, it also means that you can look forward to meeting your expanded support system, your kindred spirits, your soul mates, people who have gone through and are going through exactly what you are going through.

-Asking for help is paramount. I have a lot of trouble with this, but I know it to be true. Self-reflection and self-care are important, and it looks like you’re practicing those, but when your brain is working night and day against you, you can’t think your way out of this. You can’t will it to go away. You think it’s “fucked up” for a 13 year old to be in therapy? It’s more common than you think. I think everyone should go to therapy! Talking it out can be an amazing way of learning your brain’s thought process and altering destructive patterns. I also understand that medication is scary. I have a friend who struggled (struggles) for years with this. She would go on meds, start to feel better, and then go off her meds because she didn’t want to be taking them. That really screwed her up. The fact is that chemical imbalances in the brain sometimes fuck us over, and sometimes the only way to restore that balance is with medication. That might not be the case for you, but if it turns out to be that way, it’s best to think of it like any other illness. My sister’s immune system tries to attack her and without medication, it would succeed. Those meds are saving her life, and have just become another part of routine, like taking vitamins or eating breakfast. They’re just helping to keep her healthy.

This is getting long, so I’ll leave you with this:
You don’t need to be “fixed,” because you are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. There is not a mold that humans are supposed to fit. We all have our issues, and many of them aren’t visible from the outside. So please don’t think of yourself as a problem in need of fixing. Instruments that are out of tune are not broken, they just need a few adjustments before they can make beautiful music again. And here’s the thing: all instruments get out of tune. They need to be adjusted all the time. It’s in their nature. With the right tools and lots of support, you’ll start to feel in tune again. And I predict you’ll have one hell of a song to play.

-L