futuristic food

This isn’t a new trend, especially if you watch Food Network, which is a black, heartless pit of pretentious pomposity and Bobby Flay. For some reason shows like Chopped insist on featuring savory ingredients in desserts and vice-versa all the time. It’s weird and confusing and makes you wonder if there’s more to food than you realize until you try a lavender chocolate one day and realize it tastes like someone poisoned you with air freshener. No, exotic flavor mixes are not necessary in the grand scheme of eating. Would you like a quince and jicama smoothie infused with turkey bacon and flax? None of those words makes sense, not to a mind that relishes sanity.

The futurists of food agree, however, that this could be big in 2016. And it shouldn’t be, because it includes things like savory, vegetable-flavored yogurts and ice creams. These things have been slow to catch on over the last few years, but that doesn’t mean large-scale manufacturers aren’t willing to waste millions putting this shit out to market so we have to suffer through its existence for a few months until the brand goes belly-up and people realize savory unsavories are dumb as fuck.

Right now at places like OddFellows Ice Cream Co. in Brooklyn and the Bay Area’s Humphry Slocombe, you can get flavors like tobacco, smoked chili and huckleberry (that’s all one flavor), edamame, prosciutto melon, scallion, and delicious foie gras. In fairness, I have never sampled the ice cream at OddFellows, and maybe all of that shit is delicious. Maybe. Maybe somehow the food engineers at OddFellows are so advanced they made a foie gras ice cream that, upon sampling, would prompt me to say, “Ooh, what a delight!” instead of spitting it like snake venom across the room and cursing, “Fuck this vile organ-meat-flavored shartsicle!” It could happen. It’s possible that someone made ground-organ-meat-flavored ice cream I’d enjoy. The world is full of wonders and shit. Let’s all take a moment to jizz on a rainbow.

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