How would you direct cats?
ok so the house lights stay on for the start of jellicle songs for jellicle cats and slowly go down as cats crawl out from behind the rubbish saying “are you blind when you’re born?” “can you see in the dark?” etc, and just as they’re building up to “jellicle song for jellicle cats” there’s a muffled gunshot and a blood curdling scream. suddenly the orchestra stops, the house lights come back on, and a detective bursts into the auditorium, flashing his badge and saying that everyone must stay where they are, for there has been a grisly murder. jennyanydots has been shot in her dressing room with a gun set on an automatic timer. to make matters worse, fur has been found on the gun, meaning one of the cats is responsible. and so begins an intense and heated debate among the cats as they try to find the murderer among them. each cat comes under suspicion at some point, and as they are scrutinised, dramatic secrets are revealed. grizabella is having an affair old deuteronomy. the run tum tugger sexually manipulates audience regulars for online attention. family man mister mistoffelees is gay. none of this is a performance. eventually, the cats figure out that the real murderer is the detective. the detective is me. but as soon as they realise this, they see that I am long gone. in fact, I was in cahoots with jennyanydots, who is the best cat and was never actually murdered, and who was played in this production by jane houdyshell, the whole time. by now, me and jane are probably at the airport on our way to cuba, with the cats investment money bursting out of our two suitcases. it’s only a matter of time before the cast of cats find jennyanydots’ empty cat suit in her dressing room, and realise they’ve been had. but with the distrust and suspicion sewn among the cats cast, there will surely never be a production of cats again. and that’s it. I’ll have defeated cats.