funny stories

Is my physics teacher a fucking ninja?

I just want to tell y’all about my old physics teacher, Mr. K. One day this man decided the class next to us was being a little too loud for his liking. So, instead of walking down the hall like a normal ass human being, he gets on one of the desks and takes out one of the ceiling panels. He then proceeded to pull himself into the ceiling and crawl over to where the other classroom is. Prying out another ceiling tile, he drops his torso out of the ceiling before promptly telling them to be quiet. Obviously there’s screaming and laughing from the other class because “HOLY SHIT MR. K IS IN THE FUCKING CEILING!”

At this point you may be thinking, “what about the other teacher?” Well, all of the science instructors (the male ones to my knowledge) were involved in a giant DnD campaign, where their friendship and tolerance towards each other became hella strong (accept for the one guy who’s character was a bard. Every time they met an enemy he tried to seduce it. No one liked him.) Needless to say the other teacher didn’t give a single shit. After all the commotion, Mr. K finally returned to his classroom, dusty and victorious.

>be me

>about 13 years old

>basically naivete incarnate still

>just discovered the world of fanfiction.net

>have an account and a few stories posted so far

>currently working on a fanfic of Spirited Away

>get a comment one day

>commenter asks if I can put lemons in my story

>I think it’s an odd request but will do anything to please a fan

>write the next chapter acknowledging the lemon request and say that the chapter WILL CONTAIN LEMONS

>about halfway through the chapter I wrote a giant duck running past the protagonist with an armful of lemons

>duck says “MY lemons” then runs off

>feel pleased with myself at having granted my fan’s request

>years later I find out there’s another meaning for lemon in the fanfic world

>lemons are sex scenes

>my commenter was asking me to put a sex scene in my story

>at 13 years old I unintentionally trolled the shit out of some random person

>whoops

things that actually happened in my high school

1. in the middle of am homeroom (so like 9am in the morning) a kid just broke out a pint of ice cream and started eating it. and i guess it wouldnt have been that bad except once people noticed, everyone started whispering and pointing until half the class was surrounding the table literally BEGGING for some. the teacher actually had to stop reading the morning announcements and give a speech on how you shouldn’t give death threats over ice cream.

2. this kid i was sitting next to once went home bc he got a massive headache after staring straight into a lightbulb for 2 minutes bc he “was bored and wanted to see what would happen.” he ended up taking 3 advils after that, got paranoid and made the entire table search “how many pills of advil does it take to overdose” on a school computer.

3.  there was a HUGE ASS fly in the room and the teacher thought itd be a great idea to kill it by throwing a folder 4inches thick with papers in its general direction; it ended up going across the room and hitting a poor, innocent kid in the face so hard that the other kids at the table scrammed and started yelling “EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF”…and when i tell you that this fly was huge,,it was literally so MASSIVE that this one girl almost started crying when it flew near her, someone actually tried throwing a cup of coffee at it, and another person started screaming ZIKA VIRUSSSS and something about how they weren’t vaccinated. and mind you the majority of the students are dressed in fancy attire bc of the national honor society ceremony that was later in the afternoon. in the midst of all this chaos, this one kid stands up, doesnt say anything and literally just ninja slams his bare hand onto the table and kills the fly all in one fluid motion, all without saying a single word. the entire class just broke out in thunderous applause, including the teacher, and then class continued as normal as if the past 10 minutes didn’t even happen

4. during first period a teacher who lost a ton of weight over a 2 year period was giving serious advice about the importance of living a healthy lifestyle while this kid right in front of the teacher’s desk breaks out a FULL mcdonalds breakfast meal and distributes it among the table

5. kids that were in apush and ap spanish held a joint prayer vigil the day before ap exams began, so that ap students could literally hold hands and pray to survive exam season as well as mourn our high grades. everyone who went was required to bring in fake candles and food, while someone else conducted a prayer service. a special invitation was sent using our school emails, you had to rsvp in order to attend, and it was suggested that you wear black. our ap teachers knew about this, and they agreed it was a good idea somehow

So the other day I was volunteering at the animal shelter and was just minding my own business with the cats when this old lady comes in and goes, “Are you part of the tribe?” (I live adjacent to a Native American reservation). I looked down at my shirt and realized I had worn my tie-dye shirt with the word “PRIDE” written in large letters across the front of it.
“No..?” I say.
“Oh. Are you a lesbian then?” she says.
Speechless and mouth opening and closing like a fish, I ponder what to say. Lie and shove myself back in the closet? Eventually I decide to risk telling her.
“Yes…?” I reply hesitantly, wincing at the impending backlash that from prior experience in similar situations have come to expect.
But instead of dousing me with holy water, the woman just laughs.
“Me, too! I bet you don’t run into that many older dykes around here!” she says.
Then she sets down her old boom box and starts playing classical music all the while telling me all about her glory days back in the 70’s and 80’s and all the underground lesbian hot spots in our small town that she wishes she was still young enough to go to (she’s in her early 70’s).
And that’s the story of how a baby dyke and a dusty dyke became best friends in one of the cat adoption rooms at an animal shelter.

My mum is so savage lmao

My cat was jumping in a bin bag so I was trying to get a picture and when my mum asked why I was so determined I said that I wanted to be relatable and post it saying “when your cat is you” and then my mum WITHOUT HESITATION replies “let’s put him in a closet then”

I AM STILL SHOOK

My friend played me throwback songs to what he listened to in high school. One of them was sandstorm by darude and he started telling me about how they banned this song at all the school dances because during freshmen winter formal everyone got so insanely pumped when the song started playing that a flock of kids charged and lifted their school’s 16 foot Christmas tree and threw it off the balcony

Okay so one time in 7th grade at the very end of the year my home room teacher was moving classrooms and our English teacher was moving into the old one so we had a bunch of cardboard boxes left empty and so kids were just hanging out under them like hermit crabs and then we decided to take a picture and everybody got into a cardboard box and I was a pretty tiny kid so after we took the picture I tried to close the box and I FIT PERFECTLY INSIDE so the kids in my class and I thought it would be funny to prank a teacher by taking the box with me in it to a teacher and they told our teacher about it and he just said “Okay, which teacher do you want to go to?” And everybody decided to take me to our English teacher. Her current classroom was on the other side of the school. My home room teacher chose five people to escort me and my box on a spinning office chair down an elevator, across four hallways, and up a flight of stairs to our English room. They were giggling the whole way there and when we got there I hear them tell her the box was for her, she asked what was in it and then she opened the box and we stared at each other for five seconds before I croak out “hi”. She closes the box and I hear muffled yelling. I get out of the box and her home room is staring at me like I just came out of narnia and my classmates are laughing and I just walk away and that is the story of when I became a box.

I was on the bus and these kids near me were arguing loudly and using wild hand gestures and looking like they’re gonna kill each other so I pop out one headphone and I hear,

“NO OKAY YOU CAN EAT SALSA AT ROOM TEMPERATURE OR COLD BUT YOU CAN NOT HEAT THAT SHIT UP!”

They were arguing about salsa.

They were looking like they were gonna kill someone over salsa.

don’t get me wrong, high school is stressful af but it’s also such a weird time?? last friday i was in ap world history which is supposed to be filled “”smart”” kids when this one student pulls out a water bottle that has 4 fish in it and passed it around the class so everyone could see it and i genuinely feel like that sums up my entire high school experience so far 

  • So in one of my classes, my prof has this policy that whenever a student is late in order not to be marked absent he/she must either perform a talent or tell a joke.
  • One morning as the late comers were doing what they could to be exempted there was one more student who came in extra late.
  • So after the 'last' person told his joke which was "I'll be doing a joke (waits ample amount of time)...the elections" (drops mic).
  • She went up to the podium and grabbed the mic.
  • "I guess I'll perform a talent...
  • I know! I'm good at back flips!"
  • That would've been interesting enough but I forgot to mention- She was 8 months pregnant.
  • As she was about to do a backflip the entire lecture class yelled
  • "NOOOOOO!!"
  • And there was this one girl in the back who yelled
  • "THE BABY!"
  • My professor had this fuck-if-she-dies-i-no-longer-have-tenure look on his face.
  • She stood straight up. Took the mic.
  • "That was a joke."
  • Needless to say she was never asked to perform a talent or tell a joke again.
Today, I fucked up by calling a locksmith when I was "locked out" of my car.

I’ll preface this by saying I’m usually not a stupid man but I was at the end of my third 16 hour shift in a row and I was very tired. I’ll make this quick:

I got off work, went out to my car, hit the button for the doors on my remote unlocker – as usual. Nothing happened. I tried it a few more times, battery must be dead. I stand there for 10 minutes, mashing the little button, hoping for enough juice to open the doors. Nada.

I call a locksmith, explain that I’m locked out of my car. He says he’ll be right over. 20 minutes later he arrives. He walks up with his tools, inserts a thing that looks like a blood pressure cuff in the door jamb. He starts making conversation as it inflates, pushing the door open:

‘So locked your keys in the car? No problem sir, I’ll have it open in a minute.’

‘No, my keys are right here, my key fob is dead,’ I replied.

He stops and for about 10 seconds doesn’t say a word. He sees my keys in my hands. Takes them from me, inserts them in the lock and opens the door.

I was mortified. I was so in a habit of opening the doors with my remote fob that I entirely forgot that keys could be used to unlock cars manually. He started laughing so hard I thought he was going to have an aneurysm. After he stopped laughing, he told me there was no charge. The story he’d have to tell was worth the drive out.

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I go to the same Japanese restaurant every year for my birthday, but I HATE being sung to, so I made my family promise not to say anything. I thought that I had made it all the way through the meal without being found out when I heard the sound of drums & singing. Just as I was about to yell at my family for ratting me out, the guy who cooked for us turned around, winked at me, & said, “You thought I would forget your birthday?” As embarrassed as I was while being sung to, it was quite the sweet surprise. (:

Double Power.

> Get a duckling from my cousin.
> No idea why but holy sh*t, those things are cute.
> Play with it like it’s a dog.
> Runs free in our garden. Would get over the fence every once in a time but always returned.
> Actually grows up into a giant killing machine.
> Leaves me and family alone, but attacks strangers when getting to close.
> One day, neighbour kids make a bet. Saw it all from my window.
> Don’t know everything but they dared one of the kids to kick my duck.
> Kid jumps over the fence, kicks my duck from behind.
> Duck turns around and attacks him. Ripping his clothes etc.
> Enjoying the view from inside my house.
> Anyways, an hour later parents of the kids infront of our door.
> They want the duck away because ‘it is a danger for the children’
> Tell them to f*ck off.
> They call the cops, animal protection etc but they didn’t do anything because we did nothing wrong.
> 2 days later they bring a new duckling. Trying to make me get rid of the old one and take the new one as a pet.
> “Accept” the duckling.
> Didnt get rid of the other one.
> Now I have 2 killing machines in my garden.

Petty Revenge: Your daily dose of the best petty revenge stories.

Have I ever told the story of the time where I had a bladder infection and also a kidney stone, and still sat my 2 hour film studies exam? And when I told my dad to take me to the hospital to get myself checked out after wards, he was like, “Why didn’t you just call up and explain why you can’t take the exam today?” and I was like, “Chill dad i’ve had cramps worse than this.” and he just sat there for a while before muttering, “Women scare me.”