funny zodiac

The signs roasting someone

“Why are you missing a teeth?”
Aries: “Because I used to ask stupid questions too." 

“Without the ugly in this world, there would be nothing beautiful.” Taurus: “Thank you for your sacrifice.”

“Are you getting smart with me?” Gemini: “How would you know?”

“I lost two pounds this week! This is progress motherfuckers! This is progress!” Cancer: “What, did you take your make-up off?”

“It really makes me happy when two ugly people find each other and fall in love!” Leo: “So who’s the lucky guy?”

“See? I do know a thing or two.” Virgo: “What’s the other thing?”

“My dick is so hard.” Libra: “To find.”

“When I die, I want my epitaph to read ‘Mistakes were made’” Scorpio: “Wasn’t that already on you birth certificate?”

“Do you know who my dad is?” Sagittarius: “Does your mum?”

"What are you looking at?!” Aquarius: “How many guesses do I get?”

~After being given advice by Capricorn~
“Taken, not appreciated.”
Capricorn: “I didn’t ask for the title of your autobiography.”

“I have people throwing themselves at me.”
Pisces: “Yeah, but only after they’ve run out of bullets and thrown the gun.”

Important Dates for the Signs in January - 2017

Z O D I A C G U I D E  / /  I G

Aries: 21, 29, 30

Taurus: 9, 11, 30

Gemini: 8, 16, 29

Cancer: 9, 14, 29

Leo: 9, 14, 26

Virgo: 9, 19, 29

Libra: 10, 14, 28

Scorpio: 2, 13, 25

Sagittarius: 5, 9, 16

Capricorn: 14, 26, 29

Aquarius: 7, 23, 24

Pisces: 5, 17, 21

Recipe for each Sign

Aries: 1 tbsp of cinnamon, 3 baseball trophies, 2.5 lbs of sexy, a pinch of crazy.

Taurus: 1 pound of Doritos, 1 pound of chill, a bottle of wine. Bake at 69 degrees for an hour.

Gemini:  argue with a box of funfetti cupcake mix until your head explodes. Douse it with Smirnoff and serve cold.

Cancer: 7 cups of sugar, 1 quart of black coffee, 4 slashed tires.

Leo: 5 ounces of orange juice, 1 tube of toothpaste, a year’s worth of witty jokes, a tbsp of narcissism.

Virgo: a library card, 3 cups of sarcasm. Don’t add salt, Virgo is salty af already.

Libra: 10 cherries (pitted), 22 drunk texts to your ex, a liter of tears.

Scorpio: Add a handful of metal utensils to a microwave and heat for 30 minutes.

Sagittarius: 3 quarts of coconut milk, 2 sticks of dynamite, 1 tsp of wanderlust.

Capricorn: a stack of Benjamins, 3 glasses of chocolate milk, 1 pair of sensible dress shoes. Pour over ice and drink with a bendy straw.

Aquarius: 1 can of emotional swerve, 1 season of Ancient Aliens, a whole jalapeno.

Pisces: a gram of weed, 2 energy drinks, an acoustic guitar. Bake until inspired.

The Signs As My Favorite Fall Out Boy Lyrics
  • <p> <b>Aries:</b> "WHOOOOOA WHOAAAAAAAAAAA WHOA WHOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoAH"<p/><b>Taurus:</b> "we're going down down sjdbkmlabdbgjfhnmaround!!"<p/><b>Gemini:</b> the best of us can find happiness in miIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiSERY<p/><b>Cancer:</b> "fall out.......boi"<p/><b>Leo:</b> "DIGYDIGGY EEEeEeEeWWWW WE DONT FIGHT FAIR!"<p/><b>Virgo:</b> *surfing music*<p/><b>Libra:</b> *doesn't even like fall out boy*<p/><b>Scorpio:</b> "*Incoherent screaming*"<p/><b>Sagittarius:</b> "DID YA GAHBAHAHHH IN THE MALIBU-u-U"<p/><b>Capricorn:</b> oh oh oh ooooooooooh<p/><b>Aquarius:</b> OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH<p/><b>Pisces:</b> "*slightly less incoherent screaming*"<p/></p>
The Signs Driving

Z O D I A C G U I D E  / /  I G

Aries: actually pretty mellow but they can get feisty

Taurus: practically the greatest getaway driver you could have

Gemini: has the most bomb ass playlists going at all times

Cancer: either wayy too concentrated or wayy not

Leo: doesn’t even drive yet so is just chillin

Virgo: has major road rage issues and gets mad at everyone on the road

Libra: speedy driver but is somehow safe about it wtf

Scorpio: literally the best ever no questions asked

Sagittarius: makes everyone in the car nervous cuz is always worried

Capricorn: pretty normal driver tbh is aggressive when necessary 

Aquarius: follows the rulebook and is the best designated driver

Pisces: doesn’t look when they back up and hopes for the best

The signs as undertale characters
  • Aries: Asriel
  • Taurus: Burgerpants
  • Gemini: Gaster
  • Cancer: Chara
  • Leo: Papyrus
  • Virgo: Frisk
  • Libra: Asgore
  • Scorpio: Flowey
  • Sagittarius: Sans
  • Capricorn: Alphys
  • Aquarius: Undyne
  • Pisces: Toriel
Leo & Sagittarius
  • Leo, doing nightly routine before heading to bed:
  • Sagittarius , watches Leo from the shadows:
  • Sagittarius, creepily walks out from the corner of their room: Hello there.
  • Leo, looks at them from the corner of their mirror:
  • Leo: It's November and my grades at the moment scare me more than your dry skin ever will.
Who the signs are to you:

ARIES:

  • Aries: the person you don’t really know well, but you’re always having a great time going out together 
  • Taurus: that weirdo at work you just can’t get along with without any apparent reason 
  • Gemini: that from-time-to-time sex partner 
  • Cancer: your little sister you always have to protect from everyone 
  • Leo: shopping buddy 
  • Virgo: that one bitchy, arrogant chick you couldn’t stand at the first sight
  • Libra: future wife/husband 
  • Scorpio: that one ex you’ll always feel attracted to, even though it will never work out 
  • Sagittarius: crush 
  • Capricorn: that weird nerdy neighbour that looks quite lovely but you never spoke a word to them 
  • Aquarius: that one person that gets everything you want so much
  • Pisces: just a random useless person

TAURUS 

  • Aries: an annoying guy at work who gets all the credits you deserve
  • Taurus: your first love you’ll never forget
  • Gemini: that two-faced bitch you’re a little jealous of
  • Cancer: that person you’re not really best friends with but to whom you can always turn when you feel down
  • Leo: that hot guy you secretly crave
  • Virgo: a childhood friend that helped you become who you are now
  • Libra: your boss
  • Scorpio: your boyfriend/girlfriend
  • Sagittarius: crazy, odd creep that entertains you when you’re sad
  • Capricorn: bff!
  • Aquarius: your loving grandmother
  • Pisces: that one pervert you know who always makes you laugh 

GEMINI 

  • Aries: a huge crush you can’t get over no matter what you do
  • Taurus: high school desk neighbour
  • Gemini: the person you laugh the most with
  • Cancer: your one & only real love
  • Leo: drinking buddy
  • Virgo: that one annoying person that always sees through you not buying your lies like others do
  • Libra: that girl intriguing all the time
  • Scorpio: that bitch with a few kilogrammes makeup on you just can’t stand
  • Sagittarius: best travel partner you’ll ever have
  • Capricorn: your older brother
  • Aquarius: the person you know has a crush on, but you can’t relate, even though you’re enjoying this fact
  • Pisces: the one who does all your homework 

CANCER

  • Aries: you wish you had their confidence
  • Taurus: childhood neighbour
  • Gemini: your job partner who does all the work
  • Cancer: your opposite gender best friend, the prove that girl & boy can be just friends
  • Leo: they’re so beautiful, I wish I had a little of their beauty
  • Virgo: that person that tries to make you believe in how amazing you are
  • Libra: that weird person who never talks but you somehow still hang out with them
  • Scorpio: that one person who talks so sarcastically that you can’t understand if they’re being serious or not
  • Sagittarius: that annoying bitch bullying you all the time
  • Capricorn: that one person you will always like even though it doesn’t work out between you
  • Aquarius: how can you be so arrogant?
  • Pisces: best friend 

LEO 

  • Aries: slaying together!
  • Taurus: that one friend you’re trying to make more social, ‘cause they’re actually pretty cool, but they just prefer to Netflix & chill at home
  • Gemini: that one sarcastic but charming guy you like, but they keep making fun of your attitude
  • Cancer: your spiritually obsessed uncle
  • Leo: your wingman who always steals your girls in the end
  • Virgo: that silent friend who gets crazy as hell when drunk
  • Libra: your personal clown, basically entertaining you through life
  • Scorpio: the only person that knows how to handle your ego, but you can’t trust them, ‘cause they have some kind of power over you
  • Sagittarius: cooking partner
  • Capricorn: your older, smarter sister, but you’re always beating her in being popular & hot
  • Aquarius: the only person you will fall in love with for real
  • Pisces: your boss who’s way too easy to manipulate

VIRGO 

  • Aries: that one guy who gets all the girls you like because they’re hot & charming, but you’re just a shy potato 
  • Taurus: an actual friend
  • Gemini: that one person you feel kind of alike with but you still just don’t like them 
  • Cancer: your boo
  • Leo: that girl you thought was your best friend but she has like 5 other best friends and so you feel somehow friendship wise heartbroken
  • Virgo: that fling you had on a holiday but it was so good you won’t ever forget them
  • Libra: I wish I was as creative & adorable as they are
  • Scorpio: your wife who’s gonna leave you in the end ‘cause she will realise how different you are after 10 years of marriage
  • Sagittarius: that hot girl you totally have a crush on but she’s out of your league, ‘cause well, you’re still a potato
  • Capricorn: the only friend who actually knows how to deal with your weirdnesses and phobias
  • Aquarius: your psychologist 
  • Pisces: a girl you get perfectly along with, but can’t really understand why, because you’re so different

LIBRA

  • Aries: partner in crime
  • Taurus: your beauty idol you always try to copy
  • Gemini: only you can understand both of their faces
  • Cancer: that lovely person having so much bad luck that you always feel sorry for them
  • Leo: that flowers obsessed relative
  • Virgo: your neighbour 
  • Libra: that one boring person that always asks you to go out. You know it’s gonna be boring but can’t say no, 'cause they are actually really nice
  • Scorpio: that person you’re inhumanly attracted to 
  • Sagittarius: fiancé(e) that’s gonna leave you at the altar 
  • Capricorn: fiancé(e) that’s gonna marry you
  • Aquarius: long lost half sister who turns out to be really cool 
  • Pisces: the shoulder to cry on from time to time

SCORPIO 

  • Aries: a huge crush who doesn’t really like you back but you keep trying, even though you know it’s gonna hurt
  • Taurus: your favourite singer
  • Gemini: the best person to have late night conversations with
  • Cancer: a lovely family member you will always support
  • Leo: that bitch needing attention all the time but you’re too busy being self-absorbed
  • Virgo: the sign that 90% of your crushes are
  • Libra: your best freaking sex partner ever 
  • Scorpio: childhood love that never really faded
  • Sagittarius: that one cheater boyfriend you somehow forgive over and over again 
  • Capricorn: your daughter you can act like best friends with
  • Aquarius: unexplainably undesirable person 
  • Pisces: best friend you never dare getting in a romantic relationship with because you know you’ll hurt them

SAGITTARIUS 

  • Aries: your modelling partner 
  • Taurus: that stubborn little shit always trying to ruin your life
  • Gemini: you don’t know it yet but they’re the love of your life 
  • Cancer: that person with an amazing taste in music so you can’t stop admiring it
  • Leo: drinking buddy
  • Virgo: your favourite actor  
  • Libra: your make up artist
  • Scorpio: your witch neighbour, you don’t believe she actually is one but she scares you anyway somehow
  • Sagittarius: best travel buddy 
  • Capricorn: that gloomy person, you never what they are actually thinking 
  • Aquarius: on/off relationship 
  • Pisces: that one person always trying to joke but has an awful sense of humour

CAPRICORN 

  • Aries: your female friend that is amazingly beautiful & kind but just doesn’t believe it and all you do is trying to build up a little confidence in her
  • Taurus: your gay best friend
  • Gemini: lovely & interesting person to spend time with without any real trust
  • Cancer: that one adorable human being you will always wonder about like: how can you be so lovely & innocent?
  • Leo: that one bitch always trying to ruin your life, making drama around you now and then
  • Virgo: that person you get along with perfectly, you understand each other without words, you absolutely love them, but you’ll always stay friends because there’s a lack of physical attraction 
  • Libra: they want you.
  • Scorpio: a fling
  • Sagittarius: that person you like somehow but it never comes to a real relationship, they seem not to notice you the right way
  • Capricorn: YOUR ONE AND ONLY SOULMATE
  • Aquarius: that annoying relative always judging you
  • Pisces: that one fake ass ex you’ll never forgive yourself dating

AQUARIUS 

  • Aries: a friend that always manages to cheer you up
  • Taurus: that lovely person you always wanted to get to know, but you have no idea how to start a conversation
  • Gemini: just… bae
  • Cancer: head up, your crown is falling. Oh wait, which crown?
  • Leo: your most beautiful friend. she’s the only one allowed to be more beautiful than you are
  • Virgo: your long-lost child
  • Libra: that one friend that lives on the other side of the world but you stay friends no matter what
  • Scorpio: a person that life always puts as an interference to you, so you end up hating them
  • Sagittarius: that one relative you never meet ‘cause they’re always travelling
  • Capricorn: that one friend that seems completely heartless to you
  • Aquarius: a bitch you’re always competing with 
  • Pisces: you fell in love with their kindness

PISCES 

  • Aries: wait… who? 
  • Taurus: that one person who protects you in difficult situations every time
  • Gemini: they seem so lovely why can’t they stop bullying me?
  • Cancer: cry buddy
  • Leo: that person with a huge heart, it isn’t obvious at first sight but you can trust them with anything
  • Virgo: future husband you will finally feel secure with 
  • Libra: they are so beautiful you can’t help falling in love with them 
  • Scorpio: gossip girl friend 
  • Sagittarius: stupid high school buddy 
  • Capricorn: your long-term love that you can’t forget 
  • Aquarius: that married guy you can’t stop wanting
  • Pisces: bestie
Los signos un domingo en la noche
  • tauro: oigan! alguien hizo la tarea??
  • leo: rayos! por que a mi??
  • acuario: dejaron tarea?!??!?!?!
  • cancer: ¡virgo! amigo mío. . .
  • virgo: *ya la hizo pero no le ayudará a nadie*
  • aries: *se pone desesperadamente a trabajar pero no puede porque está muy estresado*
  • piscis: ohh no *se va corriendo por su libro*
  • sagitario: bueno, a desvelarse de nuevo
  • leo: *se sigue quejando*
  • libra: tal vez pueda hacer un trato con el profe. . .
  • Geminis: hay que decir que no dejó tarea
  • capricornio: aghh pues ya que, a trabajar
  • --mientras tanto tauro y escorpio--
  • tauro: povrecillos se la creyeron, tenemos puente!!! XD
  • escorpio: son tan manipulables
how to make the signs happy
  • aries: compliment them, they usually like compliments on their actions
  • taurus: food. just food.
  • gemini: talk to them about things they might not know about (just cute little random facts). they love to learn.
  • cancer: make them feel at home. let them know you love them and they matter.
  • leo: compliment their looks (this one is very important the lion loves attention)
  • virgo: say thank you let them know you and other people appreciate them
  • libra: offer to give them a massage
  • scorpio: every scorpio is different you have to figure out this complex sign on your own. get to know them let them know you are interested and don’t EVER lie to them
  • sagittarius: let them know they can trust you
  • capricorn: tell them you understand them and let them know you support them
  • aquarius: don’t be clingy tell them jokes they love to laugh
  • pisces: dont embarrass them, EVER, even if you joking. and be kind, not just to them
Never, ever

Never, ever, fight an Aries.

Never, ever, steal Taurus’ food.

Never, ever, lie to a Gemini.

Never, ever, hurt a Cancer.

Never, ever, challenge a Leo.

Never, ever, try to prove a Virgo wrong.

Never, ever, dress better than a Libra.

Never, ever, make a Scorpio cry.

Never, ever, enrage a Sagittarius.

Never, ever, lie to a Capricorn about your feelings.

Never, ever, try to win an argument vs an Aquarius.

Never, ever, underestimate a Pisces.

Cancer & Gemini
  • Cancer, sends Gemini a text @ 2AM: [ i miss you dude] No, I can't send that..
  • Cancer, erases message, tries again: [ it's been a while since we last hung out 😯 ] Yeah, that sounds better!
  • Cancer, sends it & waits:
  • Gemini , reads it & raises an eyebrow: So does Cancer want to actually hang out or want the d...
  • Gemini, replies back: So are you trying to fuck or what
the signs as things said by my english class
  • aries: "if y'all can finally all get above an 80 on this test, i'll buy everyone bagels"
  • taurus: "is it okay if i eat lunch now?" "we're halfway through class, jeremy" "yeah i know but i have guacamole today and i'm really excited about it"
  • gemini: "lucas if you ruin the bagels for us i'll throw you out the window" "lena we're on the first floor"
  • cancer: *pulls fire alarm* "i don't even care. this is what exams have done to me."
  • leo: *banging on the door that only opens from the inside* "guys let me in i'm like the cutest person in this class"
  • virgo: "i'm going to mrs. mccarthy's room so i can steal her whiteboard markers"
  • libra: "can we play a game today?" "lucas you ask that every single day. it's an english class, shut up"
  • scorpio: "i don't even know half the bands on these stickers. i just bought them because they look cool"
  • sagittarius: *finishes a test 30 minutes before everyone else but hands it in anyways* "well, i fucked that one up. see ya tomorrow mrs. saudek"
  • capricorn: "so. . . because i was a c-section i could kick macbeth's ass too?"
  • aquarius: "lucas nobody cares about how you feel oppressed by not being able to wear a camouflage bucket hat"
  • pisces: "go get the baby out of the cabinet, we can use that to teach him"