funny office quotes

  • Arthur Weasley: Well, I manage my department, and I’ve been doing that for several years now. And, Merlin, I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way.
  • Molly Weasley: Your department’s just you, right?
  • Arthur Weasley: Well, yes, Molly dear, but I am not easy to manage.
3

James Flint: The plantation was actually plan C. Back in London was plan B, and plan A was marrying him a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met him.

Black Sails/The Office

(not pictured: plantation on fire in the background, as they make their honeymoon getaway)

27 Inspirational Ron Swanson-isms That Will Help You Lead A Healthy And Fulfilling Life


1. “There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.”

2. “Never half ass two things. Whole ass one thing.”

3. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know, I don’t really care about them.”

4. “I like saying ‘no.’ It lowers their enthusiasm.”

5. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

6. “Son, there is no wrong way to consume alcohol.”

7. “The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”

8. “If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.”

9. “I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.”

10. “Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.”

11. “Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.”

12. “Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.”

13. “If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.”

14. “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don’t believe in love, what’s the point of living?”

15. “Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.”

16. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying, and that’s skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

17. “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.”

18. “I got my first job when I was nine. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.”

19. “Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.”

20. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.”

21. “Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.”

22. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

23. “I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.”

24. “An ideal night out, to me, is stepping onto my porch area and grilling up a thick slab of something’s flesh and then popping in a highlight reel from the WNBA.”

25. “Do not waste energy moving unless necessary.”

26. “I was born ready. I’m Ron F**king Swanson.”

27. “I regret nothing. The end.”

  • Thomas(whispering to Jimmy): From time to time I send Alfred letters. From himself. From the future.
  • Alfred(reading a letter): At 8am today someone poisons the milk. Do not drink the milk. More instructions will follow. Cordially, future Alfred.
  • Alfred(knocking a cup of milk out of Mr.Carsons hand): NO! you'll thank me later.