funny instructions

“Instructions for Taking Care of Yurio” -- Otabek Altin

Thank you for agreeing to look after Yurio while I am away. I appreciate it. He can be rather difficult at times, but I promise that his heart is in the right place. He has a small temper… 

Anyways, here’s some tips that might help:

DO:

  • Feed and Water — gets angry when hungry or dehydrated
  • Praise his grandpa’s prozhkis
  • Remain calm when he throws a fit
  • Bring cats (he likes them even if he says he doesn’t)
  • Nod when he badmouths Victor and Yuri and JJ and rest of the world
  • Call me if/when Yurio is too much to handle
  • Clean and pick up after him
  • Take him to the mall if he is bored
  • Save him if his fangirls are chasing him
  • Keep him busy and out of trouble

DON’T:

  • Assume he’s an angel because he looks like one
  • Make a move on Yurio while I am away
  • Mention JJ
  • Mention Victor’s promise to be his coach
  • Question his fashion
  • Suggest he should move his hair out of his face. He knows it’s there and he will tell you to “Go to Hell” –don’t take it personally
  • Take things personally when he cusses you out
  • Assume he’s angry when he looks angry, yells, or kicks things
  • Assume he is happy just because he is not frowning
  • Call the cops

Actually, on second thought, I think I will just take Yurio with me.

I think Siri is trying to kill me.

I moved to a new area, and the GPS on my phone has been a lifesaver. I don’t know how lost I’d be without it. 

But lately, it’s been…doing some strange things. 

At first it was kind of funny. The GPS would instruct me to take a turn where there was no intersection, like it wanted to run me off the road. Or it would guide me to the rocky overhangs that fall away into the sea - the “scenic overlook” of the highway by the beach. 

But for the most part, it gets me where I need to go, and Siri’s mechanical voice in my car is almost like a friend. 

Which is why I’m so confused right now. 

Because I followed the path the GPS told me to, and it’s saying I’ve arrived at my destination…but this doesn’t seem right. I don’t see a movie theater anywhere. I just see some big, unmarked buildings - warehouses maybe? There’s a big chain with a padlock across the door of one. 

At first I thought the whole area was abandoned, but when I stopped to check the map on my phone and figure out where things went wrong, people started to appear. I didn’t notice them at first; I was busy typing out this text message, because the story’s hilarious, right? 

Ha. Ha. 

They emerged from between buildings and started to approach the car. They’re dressed weirdly, wearing cloaks and hoods, and I thought I saw a bloody symbol carved into the forehead of one but I can’t be sure. 

Some of them are carrying knives. Some of them have ropes. 

Someone jabs a blade into my tire; I feel the weight of the car shift sideways as a low hiss escapes it. 

…If you get this, send help.

You can use the GPS from my phone.