funny hockey posts

a new-ish hockey fan: makes a funny post about hockey, exaggerating for comedic effect.

a Real™ Hockey Fan: Wow. Wow. This is the most offensive thing I’ve ever laid  eyes on in all my years. I don’t even have time to explain how wrong you are. Did you learn all that from Check, Please? Can you name any player other than Snidney Crosbey? I’ll have you know I have been following Hockey from the Womb and I will not stand for a blight upon the the sanctity of this sport… [10,000 word essay about why bandwagon fans are Ruining hockey].

Caps players as emotes

Alex Ovechkin: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )つ──☆

Nicklas Backstrom: ಠ_ಠ

Tom Wilson: (ง •̀_•́)ง

Nate Schmidt:  ♪┌(๏。๏)┘♪

Michael Latta: (☞゚ヮ゚)☞

Marcus Johansson: (✿ ・_・)♡

TJ Oshie: (◑‿◐) 

Karl Alzner:  (¬ 3 ¬)

John Carlson: ¯\(◡‿◡✿) /¯

Braden Holtby: ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

Jason Chimera: ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

Matt Niskanen: (ʘ__ʘ;)

Mike Richards: (。_。 )

Brooks Orpik: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ

Evgeny Kuznetsov: ( ´・‿-)~♡

Dmitry Orlov: (◕﹏◕) 

Justin Williams: (≖‿≖✿)

Jay Beagle: (● ◡ ●)つ──☆

André Burakovsky: ✧ (⊙u⊙)

sports
  • soccer: you kick the ball into a goal on the other side.
  • hockey: soccer, but the field is ice and instead of kicking the ball, you hit it with a stick. also the ball is puck shaped
  • basketball: soccer, except you throw the ball and the goal is a hoop 10 feet off the ground.
  • lacrosse: soccer, except you hold the ball in a net on a stick and throw it to other people.
  • polo: soccer, except with horses and you hit the ball with a stick.
  • water polo: soccer, except in a pool and you have to swim.
  • ultimate frisbee: soccer, except the ball is a frisbee and you throw it.
  • american football: soccer, except the ball isn't actually ball-shaped and you throw it. also you're supposed to beat people up.
  • tennis: soccer, except you hit the ball with a racket and instead of a goal you hit the ball over the net.
  • golf: soccer, except you hit the ball with a stick. also the goal is a tiny hole in the ground and there is no opposing team.
  • track: you run in circles. also there's no ball.
So on Tuesday I somehow ended up clubbing with the HABS

Basically, I went to the Bell Center to watch the Habs game against Bruins (which they lost 4-1 🙄) and I spot my high school friend sitting front row! So I fb msg him and he’s like: YO come to Joverse after the game, I’m going out with Alex Galchenyuk, he’s my buddy and PK Subban os coming with us too… So I go; me and Gally end up chatting in Russian all night, he keeps saying how his last name is of Ukrainian origin and that I’m awesome because I’m actually born in Ukraine. He was acting like a 16 year old boy clubbing for the first time, drinking straight vodka, glass after glass. Also flirting his ass off with me, touching my face, hugging me, etc. (NOW I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHOM I LOVE VERY MUCH SO I DID NOT RECIPROCATE WHAT SO EVER) Now, Subban arrives with his agent, dressed like a fucking PIMP. Wearing a fur coat and a hat, acting all “I’m rich and famous bow to me bitches”. He was a total prick basically. Anyhow, then @h-long paid me a cab to his place cause I was getting a little too drunk to continue thinking logically and not hook up with this hot ass hockey player flirting with me lmao.