funnel spiders

I couldn’t resist going again with Floof Wars. Here we see what fugly Australian animals love doing most – plotting to kill every other living thing in Australia. To explain who these critters are:

Cassowary – Massive, eternally pissed-off bird keen to disembowel you with its raptor-claws.  

Funnel Web Spider –  Deadly toxic spider with fangs as big as Dracula.

Inland Taipan - Quite simply the most venomous snake on the planet.

Redback Spider – Enjoys cosy warm house interiors, and killing you.

Tiger Snake – Aggressive deadly snake eager to pwn you.

Blue Ringed Octopus – a painless little sting that results in a quick vomiting death.

King Brown Snake – get bitten and you’re dead in a hour.

Australian Salt Water Crocodile – Doesn’t wait for swimmers, comes looking for you on land.

Box Jellyfish - Been stung? Prepare to die in agony within 5 minutes.

Dingo – always thinking about eating babies.

The Dregs as spiders

Kaz: Funnel Web/ Red Back

Inej: Huntsman

Nina: Black Widow

Matthias: Tarantula

Wylan: The garden spider that makes amazing webs

Jesper: Daddy Spiderman (Daddy Long Legs + Spiderman) #sorryidontmaketherules

Kuwei: Is not a spider, but is Pink Panther. (every time he comes onto the page the iconic ‘da dun da dun’ happens)


far away places i’ve been reading about (moodboards for my favorite locations)


“[Australia] is the home of the largest living thing on earth, the Great Barrier Reef, and of the largest monolith, Ayers Rock (or Uluru to use its now-official, more respectful Aboriginal name). It has more things that will kill you than anywhere else. Of the world’s ten most poisonous snakes, all are Australian. Five of its creatures - the funnel web spider, box jellyfish, blue-ringed octopus, paralysis tick, and stonefish - are the most lethal of their type in the world. This is a country where even the fluffiest of caterpillars can lay you out with a toxic nip, where seashells will not just sting you but actually sometimes go for you … If you are not stung or pronged to death in some unexpected manner, you may be fatally chomped by sharks or crocodiles, or carried helplessly out to sea by irresistible currents, or left to stagger to an unhappy death in the baking outback. It’s a tough place.”  - Bill Bryson, In a Sunburned Country    

Giant Funnel-Web Spider

It’s appropriate we’d follow up the giant fly with a giant spider, isn’t it?  “Funnel-web spider” can refer to several different groups spiders that aren’t closely related but the basics are the same – they generally spin webs in the shape of a funnel to trap prey.  These different spiders count among their number some extremely venomous members, most notably the Sydney funnel-web, a spider with a bite capable of killing if left untreated.  Sydney funnel-webs’ habits are very similar to the description from the Tome of Horrors 4 but the various funnel-webs have diverse habitats and different strategies to draw from.  Like the Sydney funnel-webs, these giant spiders like to build a silk-lined burrow where they lurk in wait for prey to disturb one of the silken “trip lines”, signaling the spider to approach and modeled in the game by tremorsense.  With powerful bites and a frightfully lethal poison, giant funnel-webs are a challenge for many parties and their skill at ambushes can make them a great addition to complicate any adventure.

Driven into the depths of the Aizum Hollows for his vile experiments, the sorcerer Khavren’s grotesque transformation into a drider has made him even more of a pariah than his fascination with the gruesome practice of fleshwarping.  Continuing his experiments, Khavren has managed to turn two funnel-web spiders into monstrously huge specimens, using alchemical secretions to control them and keep them from attacking him.  He spends his days alternatively lamenting his fate and glorying in it, with either the drider himself or his frightful pets laying ambushes on anyone who disturbs his cavernous domain.

Nestled in the boughs of the world-tree Yggdrasil, all the known realms are connected by tunnels and secret passages, ways that the wise and the curious can find with enough effort.  However, these tunnels are not without their own defenders, be they ancient spirits who resent the intrusion, the souls of dead champions seeking honor and glory to enter Valhalla, or other, stranger things.  Some of the most common are monstrous giant spiders, an increasing menace that several practitioners of the seidr view with ever-greater alarm, whispering something about “svartalves” to trusted confidants.

Seeking the Talisman of Srul’zarand for their esoteric purposes, a cabal of psychics and occultists have arranged to place the tools to recover it in the hands of a party of patsies.  Unfortunately, the psychic readings intended to scry into the dreams of their mortal opponents and trace the movement of undead foes missed the minor detail that a giant funnel-web spider had turned the only intact tunnel to the Umeran necropolis into its hunting ground.  The spider slew one of the “field antiquarians” they had recruited and drove the others to swear off the expedition, leaving the cabal forced to manipulate an opposing group in the hopes they prove luckier. And if the spider still eats one of them, that’s hardly a problem.

- Tome of Horrors 4 216

i will now play a traditional australian song, entitled “There’s a Fuckin’ Funnelweb on my Window”

*strums guitar*



*low humming* “(is it dead?)”

featuring an optional following refrain entitled “It Wasn’t Fuckin’ Dead and Now We’re Taking Jerry to Hospital”

its-another-fan-acc  asked:

I have a question that's been bugging me for a while. How the actual fuck do Australians survive with those big ass spiders?

ahahahah I actually only usually come across the little ones but here’s a tip for you. The little ones are the one you gotta look out for. Funnel web spider? that shit will kill you. Red back spider, yeah stay away. They’re small but deadly.  


OK, since I’m musing about stuff, what is it about spiders that gives people the heebie jeebies?  These are tiny little arachnids; there are maybe 5 species in the world that can cause human harm (black widow, brown recluse, funnel-web and redback spiders, Brazilian wandering spider), and even those require special circumstances to really deliver life-threatening bites.  Even the most venomous of the five I listed up there, that Brazilian guy, don’t often kill their victim- they can make you very, very sick for sure, but death is rare even without the antivenom.  Again I digress.  If only a few spider species in the world are hazardous to humans, and even then only rarely, why are we so amazingly repulsed by these critters?  It can’t be their appearance- most people don’t get close enough to examine a spider before killing it.  It might be associated with their web-spinning- who among us hasn’t gotten caught up in those long sticky trailing spinnerets that spiders use to get from one place to another?  One Halloween I hung threads off my eaves that draped over adult faces as they walked up my sidewalk.  The responses were hilarious- one woman went so far as to inform me that I had a bad cobweb problem, but only after shrieking and dancing out of the way, waving her arms wildly.  AGAIN I digress.  You see, some of the most beautiful works of art in nature are the webs spun by orb spiders- those garden-spiders whose job it is to capture airborne insects.  I love watching the spiders make these webs, and am fascinated by the symmetry and beauty of a completed orb.  I’m loathe to damage one.
And I guess that puts me over on the “odd” side of the fence again.  When I encounter a black widow spider I’ll relocate it to an area away from human contact in an effort to prevent it being killed.  In my belief, spiders, especially ground-web varieties such as the black widow, reduce the quantity of deleterious insects by a significant portion.  I’ve seen the cricket population in my back yard plummet when the ground spider population increases.  I’m similarly fascinated by jumping spiders- those little guys can move like rockets and jump like you wouldn’t believe.  And they can’t hurt you either.  
The message of this section?  Leave these little critters alone!  Rare are the ones that can cause you harm, and all of them are “beneficial” in reducing the insect population.  

Ready to hear a new theory from your local lamo?

Remember this hecka creepy spider posted on blurryface’s twitter? It seemed really out of place so I did some research. If you zoom in really close, you can see that the spider has two white stripes on it’s back. This (according to what I’ve found) distinguishes it as a funnel spider, or common grass spider. They have an extremely low venom toxicity, and are pretty much harmless. In fact, there are barely any recorded symptoms of bites because the effects are so negligible. 

I bet you remember scrolling down blurryface’s twitter getting increasingly creeped out, then this out of place spider just kinda did it for you. But it’s entirely harmless. What if this was another way Blurryface tried to tell us PLEASEDONOTBEAFRAID but it came out creepy and distorted like everything else, though he’s trying his best? 

This seems compatible with the theory that Blurryface is Tyler and Josh’s insecurities. Though it haunts them (like this creepy ass spider haunts their twitter), it seems like they would want us to know that it could never hurt us. 

It seems odd this would be posted for no real reason or context, especially being so different from everything else.