He told me I knew him better than anyone. He wanted to talk to me first when he was scared or extremely happy or sad. Then one day he was cuddling with me and said, “I can feel this with other people too. This isn’t special.” My first thoughts were defensive. Yeah well I’ve been dating you and another man at the same time for almost a year now so look who is feeling similar things with other people also… I can feel this exact way with other men… Case, no you can’t. Not this way. You could sense this statement coming from a mile away, calm down, its okay. Something to stick it to ya. He was telling the truth though not trying to be mean, too much sticking. This must mean he is seeing another girl. Oh wait this means he is apathetic towards me. He can feel this with anyone. Would this be considered apathetic? If it isn’t it feels the same as what I think that word means. Apathy is the worst. The worst. Yeah he must be seeing someone who will be his new number one. Shit.
I didn’t say anything in response. I wanted to pretend. I probably should have so the end could have come sooner than it did. Maybe we could still be friends now if I said something.
I think my youngest cousin is too old for teddy bears. I guess I can give him to Good Will. Do they accept stuffed animals? What if some art fag buys him and cuts him up? What if she is prettier than me? What if he gets bed bugs in Good Will? He hates bed bugs…Case everyone hates bed bugs. He can take care of himself. He doesn’t want you anymore. I hope he gets bed bugs. He can take care of himself.
She was so beautiful. A baby but old enough to have curls on her head. She wasn’t like those other hard ones. Soft soft soft so soft. I held her so tight driving home to introduce her to her new bed In a blanket in my arms. The window was down and the wind felt new, fresh. So fresh and so clean clean. I will teach her how to imagine. As an only child (so far) and her being an inanimate object… imagination is necessary. She doesn’t need to eat or sleep. No wasting time with that. Play play play all day. play play play all day. singin play play play all day play play play all day AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
“What is the matter!?” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” “Casey, stop screaming! What is it?” “She’s gone she’s gone she’s gone she’s gone!” singin “She’s gone she’s gone she’s gone she’s gone!”
Out the window Forever. I held her so tight. Not tight enough I guess. Wait, wasn’t it tight enough? I love her. I swear that was tight enough.
“We will get you another doll don’t worry, Case. ssssshhhhhh.”
When I was 18
I’m a virgin. She’s a virgin. She’s lying to you. She wouldn’t lie to me. Mom, I’m not lying to you. You’re daughter is lying, the test says she is pregnant. Can you get pregnant from sitting on sperm? on a bench? at the beach? in a bathing suit? No.
Fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck I’m not prepared to be the mother of all. Immaculate conception my ass. Fuck fuck shit fuck fuck. An angel didn’t even whisper in my ear. You forgot that part. This can’t be the next coming of Christ because no one whispered. I don’t even have a husband to get jealous. God, you chose the wrong one I swear my story isn’t interesting enough for most of the world to know for centuries to come.
Stop crying you need to do the ultrasound thing. Is that where you go in a tube or when they do the jelly? I hope its the tube.
Its the jelly belly.
Oh. This isn’t a baby. I told you! I told you, mom! I beleived you. It’s a mass. A what? A mass. A what? All we are going to say is “a mass” over and over no matter how many times you want more clarification. We can tell you it’s the size of a football. Football Mass. Sounds like what my mom does on Sundays. Go to church then watch the game.
When I was 19
Cancer free with no left ovary.
I wish they took the right one too. Now you can still have children. I don’t care about having children. Before this all you wanted was to be a mom. What, no I didn’t. Yes, I asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up and you said a mom. I don’t remember ever feeling like that. Well maybe you blocked it out. Anyway you are keeping your right ovary. They said before I’m thirty I should remove the right one too though. That is the same as taking it out now. To me. No it isn’t, just think about it when the time comes. That is easy to say. Case, stop being dramatic.You are well again. I will think about how I need to have a child before I am thirty every time I have sex. How do you know that, you have never had sex. When you have sex you wont be thinking about that. Yes I will. No you wont.
When I was 24
If you get pregnant you have to tell me. Of course I will tell you, it would be your baby too. Yeah but if you didn’t want it you might not tell me and just not have it. I wouldn’t do that. I just wanted to have this conversation to make sure.
One month later…
If you get pregnant I will marry you. That sounds like a terrible idea. I don’t think its a terrible idea. It could make everyone’s life terrible who is involved. Equaling a terrible idea. I think it would be the right thing to do. I don’t. Anyway you telling me that makes me feel stuck and anyway I’m not getting pregnant with you so I’m going to stop feeling stuck and anyway we are doing the things to not be pregnant. We don’t need to talk about this. I just wanted to have this conversation so you know that I will be there.
A few weeks later…
If you get pregnant and the baby is autistic it will hate you. Fuck you, you don’t know that. You are a neurotypical and wont know how to raise the kid properly but I will. This hurts my feelings a lot that you would even think about this and then feel the need to tell me. What good is warning me about this going to do? You are trying to make me feel shitty. We aren’t getting pregnant. As much as you like to think about getting me pregnant. I just wanted to have this conversation so you know that it is a possibility that becuase I have aspergers our child might and might hate you becuase you wont understand them.
One month later…
We broke up and in a song he sings about how happy he is he didnt get me pregnant.
The story of Frankenstein was such a tough read. I wanted to get through it but found myself getting lost and making things up in my head on my own. I didn’t want to keep reading but I didn’t want to be finished.
I don’t get to choose when books end, my ego forgets.
Bad makes bad makes bad makes bad Good makes good makes good makes good
Asian literature is better.
I was told to “give yourself more credit” twice today by two different people. I couldn’t believe they used the same wording.
“I’m sorry I’m crazy.” “I love you in all your shades of crazy and sane. You should give yourself more credit. You are a strong, intelligent, powerful, inspiring human who makes good things in the world. Focus on this, not on the negative things that feel like they are crushing you. …Now, tell me if you see any toothpicks near by.”
The other “give yourself more credit” was opposite of the first one in the way that this person was not trying to help me but fight me.
I had it coming. It did help though.
Made you make something.
I work at a box office and almost listen to people but maybe not the way they want to be heard.
“It had grave reviews!" "They say it’s David Byrne inspired.” “I heard people screaming about it and just had to get off my couch and go!”
“I mean folks are just going nuts. I think its something every age can see.” “I had to change some things around in my schedule just to go through this experience but I’m telling you, you can feel the heat from the audience.”