“So,” said Miko, “I heard you used to study humans.”
“I used to study your *planet*.” said Starscream, still typing, “Many planets, in fact. And by extension, the lifeforms that they produced. Why do you bring this up?”
“Ratchet just told us.” Raf supplied.
“Oh?” Starscream continued to look at the screen.
“Aaaand, we figured…” said Miko, “since… well you’re gonna be here for a while, what with the alliance and everything…”
“–That you might be interested in asking us questions!” Jack piped up.
“And we thought we could ask *you* questions!” said Raf. Starscream actually stopped to look at them properly.
“Think of it as… a cultural exchange.” Miko said with a grin.
“What knowledge do the young of your species possess that I could not have already discovered?” Starscream said with a quirked brow, “I have observed your wars, politics, your biological make up, your scientific endeavors, your social engagements. What use would your information be to me?”
“It doesn’t have to have a use, it can just be a fun fact.” said Raf, “For example, some humans, like myself, like to build computers recreationally…”
“While *I* like to jam out to epically loud music!” Miko said, fiddling with an air guitar.
“Do you have any fun facts about Vos?” asked Jack. Starscream’s wings stiffened. “That’s where you’re from, right?”
Starscream thought about whether to entertain them or to ignore them, but in the end…
“… Vos was a city for flight frames, like myself. It was made up of tall spires that had landing and launch pads installed on them to aid in transportation.” Starscream said with a sigh, “Your fun fact is that the shortest spire was approximately 3 times the height of the One World Trade Center, in New York City.”
“That was the *shortest*?!?” said Miko. Starscream nodded.
“Cool!” said Jack.
“Anything you can think to ask us?” said Raf, looking hopeful. Starscream hesitated again, but decided to press on despite his embarrassment.
“Alright…” he said, turning around and kneeling lower to their level, “What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?”
I’ve been reading this ‘humans are wierd’ stuff, and I think to myself:
It’s a really early morning, everyone’s tired. Then one of the three humans runs into the cafeteria, where EVERYONE is (since the ship is on autopilot), and screams “WHAT TEAM?!?” and the other two humans, one’s alone in a corner, the other’s in a group of buddies, reply “WILDCATS” and then everyone’s wide awake and the humans walk out high-fiving and all the aliens are like “…. What the tiwanoyip…?”
Alien: “Human-Kate, What is–”
Human: “The function of a rubber duck??”
Alien: “Er… No…” *thinks* ’ What the xenophorp does she mean by that?? ’
Alien: *annoyed by a species that they’re trying to examine* “For the planet of- You’re–”
Humans(3 of them): “YOU’RE KILLING ME, SMALLS”
Alien: *very quietly, Intimidated and afraid* “what..?”
Also: Alien Swear Words. Because, Come on. EVERYONE has swear words. Just think about it. (I replaced Hell with 'xenophorp’ and Fuck with 'tiwanoyip’)
Could you do headcanons about Blinky and Draal being confused by human stuff? Because like my favoritest thing is them being all "what is this 'kissing' and 'baby sitting'? You humans have strange customs. Wait, you mean to tell me humans have a profusion of gaggle-tacks? They use them for their beasts of burden to tread upon? Why, humans, why..." XD sorry I love those two.
I, too, love these confused children. Hope you enjoy!
Has a (slightly) better understanding of some things because of his time spent as a faux human, but by no means understands everything. Don’t let him fool you, he would have been a goner if Google and his son were unable to help him.
Why? do humans wear clothes, over clothes, over clothes??? If you’re still cold with two layers on shouldn’t you be buying thicker clothes? Silly human, that’s so wasteful. Comfortable, true, but so wasteful.
Certain foods have a specific time of day they’re meant to be eaten? Balderdash. He’ll have pancakes whenever the hell he likes.
What is the function of a rubber duck?
Humans believe everything truly is art. Humans believe nothing, truly, is art. He’s so confused can you make up your mind please-
Humans have no universal language, written or spoken. How did you learn to understand each other?
Fiction novels. They’re either wild and epic tales of woe and wonder, or trashy prose about wolf-men without shirts on. art?
Draal The Deadly
Thinks that he knows more about human culture than Blinky because he’s watched every DVD he could find in the boxes in the basement.
Microwaves? Isn’t radiation deadly to humans?? It seems so counterproductive to shoot food full of deadly poison before you eat it.
He also maybe gets a bit spooked (just a bit, a tiny bit) by the Lakes’ toaster. Jim has replaced it twice already.
Humans are so touchy-feely?? Like no, stop squishing each other and hit somebody already. He’ll come around eventually, but trolls aren’t inherently squishy and he doesn’t quite get it.
Cats? Are?? Not Pets??????
Okay, cats can be pets, but only in the way that people keep chickens and other livestock as ‘pets.’
Human TV is so annoying. The people on-screen spend too much time smushing faces when they should be fighting the zombies, aliens, and/or Human #5′s crazy ex-husband.
That’s not to say it wasn’t satisfying. He waited seven seasons for them to start courting each other.
1046. After t.v. came to the wizarding world, Arthur was given is his own show were he went and explored the muggle world and found out what the use of everything was. He is coming up on his third season and is still trying to find out the function of a rubber duck.
A-spec trifecta Charlie Weasley whom came out to his family and the response from Arthur was "ooh like a triple A battery" and the twins have to smack each other's backs after laughing so hard they almost choke on their pumpkin juice
Crud forgot to say hufflepuff
When Ron met Harry and explained his father’s fascination with Muggles, shopping for Arthur’s next birthday had been easy.
An encyclopedia! It was pure genius, and would completely satisfy Arthur’s questions, most of which Harry did not know the answer to. Except, perhaps, finally finding out the function of that darned rubber duck.
Arthur had been comparing items, thoughts and concepts to those he had found in his encyclopedia collection for months, and it was starting to get rather tiresome. Even Molly had stopped telling the boys not to roll their eyes; now, all she could do is grimace a little as Arthur made his next comparison. Most of them were rather boring, and only amusing to Harry.
That was until Charlie came home for Christmas.
Arthur’s response to Charlie’s new labels was probably the best they’d heard, and had the twins referring to Charlie as “the battery” for weeks. (Until Charlie made it very clear that he had multiple dragons at his disposal)
(5) the dursleys duck hagrid’s letters which is amazing and I hope that creased parchment gave them paper cuts. children duck from peeves on several occasions, and chaser pucey ducks two bludgers. glad Hogwarts students are agile but if i were a mum receiving these letters from home I’d have questions. (5/10)
chamber of secrets:
harry ducks under a table to keep people from seeing him laughing. joy because harry is actually laughing. someone ducks molly’s soapy frying pan, which i hope is a metaphor but probably isn’t. harry ducks as hagrid tries to pat his shoulder again. ron ducks and vomits slugs, the babe. four random evasive ducking maneuvers. wizards are dodge af. i do not duck this much in my real life. bonus for the only movie add on that matters: “What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?” what were /you using for, Arthur? (8/10)
prisoner of azkaban:
jo’s editor clearly got cottoned on because the we only have three duck mentions. ducking beneath diggory (it starts). harry randomly ducks. and a warning: duck, angelina that's a bludger. (1/10)
goblet of fire:
(13) ducking in and out of tents and to avoid awkward social situations. ‘I don’t think there can be any ducking out at this stage’ which is utter bullshit. i’d be asking for the terms and conditions and finding out exactly what would be worse than facing a dragon??? krum is on multiple occasions described as duck-footed, which i take to mean literally and you can’t stop me. (3/10)
order of the phoenix:
wondering if 'duck' is code for 'fuck' because it's mentioned a lot (23 times) and jk’s editor wouldn’t let her swear. harry ducks his abusive uncle more than once. sirius /ducks bellatrix's jet of red light, but only one. every single adult ducks out of their responsibility in effectively helping traumatized harry james potter. (-10/10)
half blood prince:
FAVE: herbert chortley, junior minister, loses his quackers and impersonates a duck. he will spend the rest of his life believing he's a duck, which is...the dream. harry ducks under and out from the cloak so he can relentlessly stalk draco malfoy. lots of ducking under arms and under tables and ducking and running. (9/10. for herb)
shout out to the experimental charms committee for accidentally-on-purpose creating a poisonous duck. wizarding galleons at their finest??? harry would not duck out of, excuse me while i sob, going to meet voldemort, not when he knew it was in his power to stop it. (4/10 but only because harry lives)
Lego Harry Potter, Ducklifors Jinx turns anything into a duck. (10/10)
make your own rubber duck: the consequences of pilfering muggle 💡
One of my favorite fics at the moment is @waspabi’s “Hermione Granger’s Hogwarts Crammer for Delinquents on the Run.” It’s an AU based on the premise of Harry being found at seventeen, not eleven, and brought not to Hogwarts, but becoming part of an underground resistance led by the five who helped canon!Harry infiltrate the ministry–the first time–and Draco Malfoy. Chapter nine posted over the weekend, and I reread chapter eight to refresh my memory. i’m glad I did, because one of the many incredible details struck me in a way that let me put some of my thoughts about wixen* and muggle culture into words.
NB: i don’t think there are spoilers in this, but if you’re concerned, go read the fic and come back. read the fic even if you’re not concerned–it’s amazing.
“He felt like a lumos in the dark.”
That simple thought from aspabi’s Harry ignited the Harry Potter, cultural studies, and literary analysis sections of my brain Inside Out-style. It’s such a poetic way of demonstrating the way he is assimilating into wixen culture, and how quickly he is doing it. Canon!Harry might still think of something more muggle like a light switched on, but this Harry’s mind is so eager to latch onto having a place where he belongs, an identity that isn’t shunned, that his thoughts are shifting more quickly, likely sub-consciously.